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  #11  
Old 12-27-2012, 12:23 AM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
There are resources that could help you:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

But there is NOTHING that is going to be like "Here is the map for having a poly V. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. There! Guaranteed!"

All people are not the same and what interpersonal relationship skills and abilities that they bring to the table are going to be different.
Yeah, I'm starting to get that. Thanks for the info. I've read Opening Up, so has DH, but the other resources are nice.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I gather you told her how you feel and she's deciding if she's willing to see where the romance there could lead then? And you are waiting for reply? And the waiting is making you antsy?
Pretty much, that. She's busy with her BF, and is willing to explore this...but later. Later is left ambiguous, and I feel off kilter after having been in marriage where timelines where never in question.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What guilt/shame are you feeling? Are you talking down to yourself in your head? Your chosen faith path is there to help you become your best self and help you tend to your spiritual health and support you. It is not there to cause you pain. Does your adult path have room for your relationships to grow? For you to grow? Do YOU give yourself room to grow/change over time?
Guilt and shame is from the upbringing. I left that faith because of its judgmental outlook, but apparently I haven't really shaken all the damage I picked up as a kid. As an adult, I think I can let this grow and go where it will. As for me...I don't really change much or often except to become much less frivolous and more pragmatic as I've gotten older and dealt with all he hands life deals.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So DH gets upset. You are not out to get him. You are not doing anything behind his back. What's the fear in seeing him upset? What the plan for conflict resolution? Perhaps knowing what the plan is there, since you like to know what's going on would help calm you?
That's an irrational fear, because he won't blow his top and he will come with concerns and we can talk about them like adults. I'm just scared that this will mess with our relationship. It won't end, because we could always just go back to where we were comfortable and regroup, and I know that in my head. In my heart, I fear he's going to lose it.

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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why? Because you know she's still your friend even if she's thinking the romance layer over still? She's not going to bail on the friendship?
Yeah, pretty much. I plan on her being my friend for a long time. She plans for that, too, regardless of where this goes. Our blow up over this was me telling her I thought I had feelings for her, and was going to need to take a few months of space to make them go away. She asked what I wanted, and I kissed her. That threw her for a loop and she told me that, whatever else, she didn't want to lose her best friend. We then argued about how this all plays out while we both cried, and decided to not make decisions in a rash way. I had, honestly, expected her to say that she wasn't interested and then we could move on from there. This "You know, I'd like to see how this rolls, but not this second. I don't know when I can try this out, but if you're up for it then" was unexpected and leaves me feeling in limbo...worried and scared and hopeful and nervous and anticipatory all at once. She indulges my very obvious crush (lets me hold her hand and I got to kiss her goodbye for the holidays) but I worry. Knowing she and BF are my friends, and that they're working on building friendships with DH as well, puts me a bit at ease.
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #12  
Old 12-27-2012, 12:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm not seeing that anything horrible is actually happening here. Your people are not wigging out or rushing into things or anything. Mainly it seems to be you dealing with your own anxiety? Could you be working yourself up? "What iffing" things too much?

Sounds like your main need is hearing both people reaffirm their commitment to you. That YES, she will still be your friend. That YES, he is not going to blow his stack at you, he is still committed to being your husband and committed to the marriage. Could that help assuage the anxiety?

If so... maybe could ask them for that. To verbally reassure you that nobody is going to go anywhere and leave you stranded. That however it is that it ends up, they are going to see this through with you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-27-2012 at 12:34 AM.
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  #13  
Old 12-27-2012, 01:10 AM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm not seeing that anything horrible is actually happening here. Your people are not wigging out or rushing into things or anything. Mainly it seems to be you dealing with your own anxiety? Could you be working yourself up? "What iffing" things too much?
I am very anxious, and I think that's a huge part. She's being reserved, which is fine but new for her. He's wonderful, as always. I just haven't "dated" in 15 years and the up-in-the-air makes me nervous and antsy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like your main need is hearing both people reaffirm their commitment to you. That YES, she will still be your friend. That YES, he is not going to blow his stack at you, he is still committed to being your husband and committed to the marriage. Could that help assuage the anxiety?
This would be good to hear from her. He does that kind of reassuring all the time, but I feel the need for it a lot right now. When she's back in town (multiple events over the holidays) I'll ask her if we can make time for that kind of chat.

__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #14  
Old 12-27-2012, 03:06 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I generally like making my own way. Often though I think a roadmap would be lovely. There is no such thing sadly but if you poke around the board you will see people 'doing' poly in all kinds of ways. Some will make sense to you and some will ick you out. You don't even have to identify as poly - maybe open or 'just her and him'.

Also, you are in a situation where it is all brand new, unfamiliar, rather scary, and contradicts much of what you 'know' about, well, everything. And you don't know how it will all shake out, you can't know. I hate ambiguity with all of my being. I bet you do too. Now you find yourself with nothing but ambiguity. It's ok to hate that. It will resolve itself. I remind myself of that when in a similar state - that helps sometimes. Acknowledging the discomfort helps sometimes. Dark chocolate helps sometimes. Maybe cute girl can give you a framework of when she will be able to think about you and her? She may not be able to so that but maybe a set time to check in with each other about it?

Best of luck! Really you are doing much better than you think.

Last edited by opalescent; 12-27-2012 at 03:08 AM. Reason: Typo hell
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  #15  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You can practice or embrace polyamory without the need to identify as polyamorous. Many of us here, including myself, do not ID as poly yet still have multiple relationships.
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The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #16  
Old 12-27-2012, 02:14 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You can practice or embrace polyamory without the need to identify as polyamorous. Many of us here, including myself, do not ID as poly yet still have multiple relationships.
I'm still a little new to be embracing it, I think, but it is good to know that it is a flexible and accepting culture.
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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