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  #21  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:11 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
My SO's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know how to deal with her. Everything that SO and I do together is percieved as a challenge to their relationship. She has huge meltdowns. SO will drop everything and run over to help her. I am so tired of the constant drama that I am just giving in and letting her get her way to keep the peace.

Anyone else dealt with BPD? What can I do?
BPD sucks. It really, really does. I've had two roommates with it (one a close friend, too) and it is hard on family/friends/loved ones. The damage that usually results in BPD makes it really hard to control/account for.

Good luck.
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Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #22  
Old 12-27-2012, 04:47 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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When I was working as a therapist in an outpatient counseling clinic, we made it a point to spread out our clients with BPD among the various therapists because they were soooooooooo demanding and challenging! Basically, BPD develops around age 2. Thus, the "all or nothing", thinking...the "black and white" thinking...."you're all good" one moment and "you're all bad" the next moment type of thinking. The "throwing tantrums" one moment, and being sweet and adorable and utterly appealing the next....just like a 2 year old! I don't know about you, but I have no desire to live around someone who is an indefinite "terrible two" in an adult body!! Can they improve? The prognosis isn't good. If I were going to consider involvement with someone with BPD, I'd want it to be AFTER they had made changes. Not "before" or "during". That would be like saying an alcoholic or addict really WANTS to change or be different, but.....until they do...the chance for a healthy person in a healthy relationship isn't good.

The time and energy drain on anyone involved with someone with BPD is tremendous. Your SO can try and set limits and boundaries to the best of his ability, but it's typically going to be an ongoing challenge. I just can't see someone with BPD being a good partner, particularly in poly relationships. It might have an appeal to THEM because they can divide themselves back and forth among partners to survive. But, I don't see how it would work very well for any others involved.

As for DBT.......the therapist typically has to make themselves available at all times at least early in the therapy. What does that tell you about how demanding it can be to interact with a person with BPD even when they're in treatment??!!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 12-27-2012 at 04:54 AM.
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  #23  
Old 12-28-2012, 01:41 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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I have a slightly different perspective...

I would say, first are you her lover too? If not, why are you stepping into her meltdowns? I understand if yr SO wants you to listen to him complain, but if YOU are directly involved with her, it sounds like a bit of co-depepence to me...Unless you are a solid 3, not a V, why are her problems your problems?

Second, I am reading A LOT of snap judgements here. From what I have read about BPD it's an ephemeral "illness' that can apply to a lot of people. Are all people emotionally stable? Not moody? Not afraid of being abandoned? Further, it sounds like (to me) that someone gets fucked by being abandoned by their parents, then they get fucked by being labeled and hated by everyone.. what fun!

I can totally understand that you might find this all tedious with her,,,and want a calmer life. My thoughts would be step away. Let SO have the relationship - NOT you. And if you know she's afraid of being abandoned, why not assure that instead of fight it?

Hope I'm not out of line, but I'm bothered that people jumped all over her when you didn't even describe any of her behaviors....people are like, O she's BPD she must be list THIS and to me, that's a dangerous stereotype.
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  #24  
Old 12-28-2012, 01:48 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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I don't think saying O this mental illness sucks! helps. Mental illness isn't something to be attacked or blamed. It's a matter of dealing with the behaviors and the person (as every person is different) and seeing if your SO wants the person in their life. I don't believe in categorizing a person by a label - saying O my lover has aspbergers or depression so he's like THIS. What are the behaviors? Is the person in treatment? And finally, is this your relationship to accept or reject? I like my husband's meta, but I find her immature in several WAYS. it also bothers me that she's not any kind of activist, and seems to enjoy a somewhat surface lifestyle, thought. But she's not MY gf so...
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  #25  
Old 12-28-2012, 02:06 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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OOOps. I'm sorry if I'm too hardh, and OP, I have empathy for you. I'm more reacting to the respones. My best friend was diagnosed with BPD, and again, who knows if she (or anyone) has it. But she was telling me about the strong negative reaction against t, in both the clinical community and society, and I open this and read it first hand. Any stereotype of any disability or illness really bothers me, comes off as prejudice. that is what I am responding too. But I also think you could just tell you SO -look you chose this person, cool for you, but I don't want to hear you complain...I don't know what your situation is but I have NO go-between with my husband and his lover...I tell him what days I'm free to watch our child and my needs and he figures out the rest with her. Because of our past, I would feel that if I did scheduling with her, I would be tking over his relationship and being co-dependent.
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  #26  
Old 12-28-2012, 02:32 AM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
I am reading A LOT of snap judgements here. From what I have read about BPD it's an ephemeral "illness' that can apply to a lot of people. Are all people emotionally stable? Not moody? Not afraid of being abandoned? Further, it sounds like (to me) that someone gets fucked by being abandoned by their parents, then they get fucked by being labeled and hated by everyone.. what fun! ...

Hope I'm not out of line, but I'm bothered that people jumped all over her when you didn't even describe any of her behaviors....people are like, O she's BPD she must be list THIS and to me, that's a dangerous stereotype.
Ummm...

Schizophrenia has specific behaviors and symptoms. So does Bipolar disorder and chronic depression and...well, so does BPD. Having loved (in a platonic sense) people with all of these issues, I can honestly say that a BPD diagnosis would be a deal-breaker for me. I'd veto them if DH were dating, I wouldn't let a person be a roommate here, I wouldn't allow any part of my life to hinge on the erratic behaviors of someone with that disease. I've lost too much money, time, blood and tears.

Yes, it can be brought down to where a person can function, but that is rare because of the nature of the beast.
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29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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  #27  
Old 12-28-2012, 08:04 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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We are definitely in a V. Chatty (Darlings GF) throws temper tantrums when she perceives that Darling and I are getting "closer" then the two of them. I completely understand the description of the adult two year old. The biggest issue in our relationship is that she wants everything to be "fair", whatever that means. She wants Darling and my relationship to be exactly like their relationship. When it's not she has an emotional meltdown.

Darling has come to the decision that he is willing to let her go if she cannot accept our relationship the way it is. It is our relationship. He is tired of her controlling him and realizes that is what has been happening for years. He says he just didn't have a reason to change it until I entered the picture. He and I both hope that the DBT helps her.

We have separated our relationships more now. Although I still have some contact with her, it is much less. This helps so much.
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  #28  
Old 02-07-2013, 04:02 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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Darling effectively broke up with Chatty. He realized that he had only started a relationship out of pity (her husband started seeing Darling's wife and Chatty was not dealing well) and then seeing her just became a habit. He really only wants to have her as a close friend. He loves Chatty as a friend but is not in love with her. He knows that their romantic relationship was not healthy. Chatty has Borderline Personality Disorder and he has allowed her to become completely emeshed with him.

He wants to divorce his wife and legally marry me. His wife is okay with this arrangement. She and he have been roomates for many years and she is involved in a long term relationship.

At first Chatty was upset and angry, blaming me. Then she all of a sudden (like the next day) became calm and agreeable to Darling. Now she is taking everything very well. Almost too well. I am cautious. Very cautious. Based upon past experiences, this seems too good to be true. Call me paranoid but I see something brewing. Darling, ever the optomist, is estatic that she wants to just be friends. I have had limited contact with her for over a month and Darling wants to re-introduce her into our life as just a friend.


Am I being paranoid or should I prepare myself?
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  #29  
Old 02-07-2013, 06:52 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
My SO's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know how to deal with her. Everything that SO and I do together is percieved as a challenge to their relationship. She has huge meltdowns. SO will drop everything and run over to help her. I am so tired of the constant drama that I am just giving in and letting her get her way to keep the peace.

Anyone else dealt with BPD? What can I do?
Couple of initial questions. And no I didn't read the three pages previous.

1. Is this actually diagnosed BPD by a mental health professional or is this a label someone's assigned to her? (If yes, got to 2.)

2. Is this something for which she's receiving ongoing care? Either in the form of medication, therapy, or both.

3. How much does your significant other and you know about BPD?

I have more experience with BPD than I'd care to have as a result of work and it can be an incredibly difficult problem to deal with, especially in interpersonal relationships. BPD frequently has other associated problems, it rarely manifests on its own. Most frequent are problems with anxiety, depression, and bipolar behavior if not the full blown disorder.

Talk to your significant other, be sure they are aware of what BPD is and how someone with it operates. Borderline people often create a pretty strong whirlwind around them that is extremely easy to get caught up in.

If she's not getting help currently, she needs to get it. BPD cant ever really be "cured" but you can help someone adjust their thinking patterns and help them be better equipped to handle daily life. If she is getting help but there's no improvement, consider getting her to a new therapist. Plateauing when you've been with one therapist for a long period of time isn't unknown. If its genuinely that intolerable to deal with her, talk to her about medications but keep in mind that you dont have the right to demand that she take medication.

There may be a point you reach where you just really cant handle it anymore and that's not an evil thing. Again, something I have FAR more familiarity with than I ever wanted. Dealing with someone who has some sort of disorder is incredibly taxing and you only have so much to give as a human being. You have to try and keep in mind that this is not fun or enjoyable for her and that if she had a choice, its doubtful she'd have chosen to have a disorder.

Quote:
At first Chatty was upset and angry, blaming me. Then she all of a sudden (like the next day) became calm and agreeable to Darling. Now she is taking everything very well. Almost too well. I am cautious. Very cautious. Based upon past experiences, this seems too good to be true. Call me paranoid but I see something brewing. Darling, ever the optomist, is estatic that she wants to just be friends. I have had limited contact with her for over a month and Darling wants to re-introduce her into our life as just a friend.


Am I being paranoid or should I prepare myself?
Prepare yourself.
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  #30  
Old 02-07-2013, 07:11 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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Her BPD is diagnosed. She has been in therapy for years and has recently begun DBT. She is also medicated. We both know quite a bit about BPD (this relationship has made me do a lot of research). Darling seems to understand but holds out hope that she will not react negatively. I on the other hand see patterns and think that this is the calm before the storm.
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