Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-26-2012, 07:53 PM
UpsideDown's Avatar
UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Default All edgy...need help with words

I don't want to be "poly." As I said in my intro post, I feel like I can't (yet?) ID comfortably with that, as it seems (from reading people's thread and from the people I know) to not have the kind of fixed structure that I like. I've never had anything, specifically, against poly...I've just always felt it wasn't for me.

Enter this whole confusion where I'm still head-over-heels with a wonderful man with whom I've build a life (DH), and have these impossible-to-supress romantic-y feelings for my closest friend (CG). If she wasn't openly bi- and poly, I'd never have told her. If DH had said it wasn't something he could deal with, I'd never have told her. But, she is and he was, and now she and I are in that dunno-if-this-is-going-anywhere, lopsided-unrequited (maybe?) crush place that makes me want to yell and throw things a little bit, because I don't have information and I do better with more of that then less.

Whatever. I've managed to dredge up all of the guilt and shame that I was raised with, and it's dogging me a bit. I thought I had put it to bed permanently as DH and I started exploring the kink world a decade ago, but it's rearing like it never has before. I'm having nightmares where I'm getting reprimanded for breaking my marriage vows and where DH is yelling at me because I've already done the hold-hands/kiss-a-few-times thing with CG and he thinks it is unfair that he doesn't get to do that, too (In real life. he's contentedly not looking to date anyone, ever, especially as I have no real idea how I'd handle that or if I could be okay with it). With CG, I couldn't give less of a hell who she dates or sleeps with...with DH I still feel like I'd have a lot to work through before it was something I could even think about being okay with...if that ever even came up.

Part of me wants to apologize for all the shit I've brought up, ask them both to blame it on a new medication (there isn't one, and they both know that, but whatever) and see if we can try to go back to the really nice (if fraught, only on my end, with some "wanting" of her) orderly friendship that we had before. I know that isn't possible, though, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel I can't call myself monogamous, not really, but have this uncomfortable reaction to the poly label...is there some sort of other wording that people use?
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-26-2012, 08:27 PM
ahpook33 ahpook33 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 21
Default

You do sound like you are poly to me, because you are open to the idea of a romantic relationship with your friend, and not keeping secrets about it from your (husband? Boyfriend?). You're poly, but you're extremely choosy as well.

Poly has never meant slutty, but of course occasionally some people are. I don't think it is "poly" that makes you uncomfortable. Probably some negative connotations that got mistakenly attached to the word somewhere along the way. Any idea what those connotations might be?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-26-2012, 09:22 PM
UpsideDown's Avatar
UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahpook33 View Post
You do sound like you are poly to me, because you are open to the idea of a romantic relationship with your friend, and not keeping secrets about it from your (husband? Boyfriend?). You're poly, but you're extremely choosy as well.

Poly has never meant slutty, but of course occasionally some people are. I don't think it is "poly" that makes you uncomfortable. Probably some negative connotations that got mistakenly attached to the word somewhere along the way. Any idea what those connotations might be?

Husband. And yeah, I'm really choosy when it comes to both friends and...whatever this all is. I dated on guy before I married DH, and this is the first "other" to come up since then.

I don't think it is necessarily negative connotations with poly that make me not feel like it suits. I think that the open-door, "autonomy is the greater good" type of outlooks don't really fit me. However, that doesn't mean they are negative. It also isn't that I think poly means slutty...I surely wouldn't describe CG or her BF that way. Okay, maybe her BF, but only to his face and in jest. It's just that sex is SO important to me, wrapped up in layers of love and promise and vulnerability and spirituality and connection...that it isn't something I've ever done with someone other than DH. Ever. The fact that I'm even considering something even semi-sexual with CG is a huge thing, and I can't see "casual dating" as a part of that for me (or him)...so the local poly-dating-snugglefest-makeout sessions that occur around here don't really fit either, you know?
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156
Default

Breathe, breathe. You don't have to know all the answers this minute. Some things take some time to manifest or to unfold.

Sounds like you could have a low poly-saturation point (just want those 2 people) and you want it to come in a serious romance shape. Maybe even a Closed / polyfidelitous / committed shape. That's totally fine. You guys have yours be however it is you want it to be for you.

It's normal to feel discombobulated. There's no map here. No template. No guide. You and your people are figuring it all out on the DIY and until you find "the new normal" it is natural to feel a bit "unreal" about it all.

Go slow, take it easy. Nobody ever died from going slow. As long as all are mostly content here, you are all going to be ok.
Quote:
Part of me wants to apologize for all the shit I've brought up, ask them both to blame it on a new medication (there isn't one, and they both know that, but whatever) and see if we can try to go back to the really nice (if fraught, only on my end, with some "wanting" of her) orderly friendship that we had before. I know that isn't possible, though, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to do.
Why is it not possible to return to friendship and not pursue the romance with CG? If that is what you prefer?

Quote:
I feel I can't call myself monogamous, not really, but have this uncomfortable reaction to the poly label...is there some sort of other wording that people use?
Who needs to know the label? Does it matter? Can you just make up a word for yourself?

Quote:
she and I are in that dunno-if-this-is-going-anywhere, lopsided-unrequited (maybe?) crush place that makes me want to yell and throw things a little bit, because I don't have information and I do better with more of that then less.
What's all this anxiety stemming from? What is it you need to hear from either her or him or BOTH to be able to calm down? What reassure?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-26-2012 at 10:52 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:48 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,395
Default

Have you heard the word polyfidelitious?

I will bow to Gala girl for advice on managing your emotions (as I regularly go to her blog for advice on managing my own).

But, I thought it might be of benefit to you to know-that there are many people who are poly (they love more than one) but closed.

I prefer a closed dynamic myself. I find the "what if" to be overwhelming at times even in a closed dynamic. LOL!

So-don't beat yourself up for not being poly in SOMEONE's way.

You love two-ok. That's good.
You don't want all of the autonomous freedom that some people practice. Ok, that's good too.

It's like kink:
some people have marriages that are kinky.
Some prefer their marriage to stay vanilla.

Nothing wrong with either.

If you want a more poly-fi, closed dynamic. That's ok.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:34 PM
UpsideDown's Avatar
UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Default Frustrating

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Breathe, breathe. You don't have to know all the answers this minute. Some things take some time to manifest or to unfold.
Yeah. I am breathing. This is just a lot new and a little discombobulating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It's normal to feel discombobulated. There's no map here. No template. No guide. You and your people are figuring it all out on the DIY and until you find "the new normal" it is natural to feel a bit "unreal" about it all.
Not having rules or structure is hard for me, in any situation. I like maps and templates and guides, and do not like re-inventing the wheel. Seems I have no choice in that, but until we figure out our own rules and map, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Why is it not possible to return to friendship and not pursue the romance with CG? If that is what you prefer?
l
Because I think I'm more scared than not wanting to pursue it. I didn't want to be open to this, but I can't deny that I want it (whatever it eventually becomes). Pretending it isn't in my head seems like a lie, and DH is all kinds of encouraging. I just don't know what she wants, because she hasn't started figuring that out yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Who needs to know the label? Does it matter? Can you just make up a word for yourself?
I need a word or label, because my mono-ID seems to have fallen apart-ish, and I don't feel like "poly" fits, really. I know many poly words, "compersion" for one, are made up, but I feel silly doing that. I had "monogamish" suggested, and it seems flip.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What's all this anxiety stemming from? What is it you need to hear from either her or him or BOTH to be able to calm down? What reassure?
I need to hear from her, and I need to get over my Baptist-induced guilt/shame over the thing, and worries that DH will become upset, even though he isn't now. She's thinking about it, and what we have is nice, and I'd be fine if it stayed at holding-hands and occasional kisses, but it's still very middle-school awkward for me.

Nights like yesterday, or the time DH and I and she and her BF went to our family birthday party for my son, are reassuring.
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:37 PM
UpsideDown's Avatar
UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Have you heard the word polyfidelitious?
Yes. Can that be used if it really is mono-DH and I, and I and those two, and her and her various other people? I've previously understood poly-fi to be more closed-off than that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I prefer a closed dynamic myself. I find the "what if" to be overwhelming at times even in a closed dynamic. LOL!

So-don't beat yourself up for not being poly in SOMEONE's way.

You love two-ok. That's good.
You don't want all of the autonomous freedom that some people practice. Ok, that's good too.

If you want a more poly-fi, closed dynamic. That's ok.
That's good to know. Thanks.
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:46 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,395
Default

Sure-
polyfi could be any number of people included and there are technical exceptions too.

For example;

We are basically poly-fi.
The three of us (myself, husband and boyfriend) are a poly family with our kids.
But husband is free to find another partner if he wants and has filtered through a few over the years.

The key for us is that we agree to discuss new potentials before adding them.

E, the lady Dh dated for 2 years, she was more fluid and open and none of us cared if she had other lovers (which she did). She had at least 2 couples and a live in boyfriend that were steady and frequently dated outside of that group.
The "rule" or boundary we had regarding her was that DH and she had to use protection always AND she agreed that anytime she had sex with someone new OR her other partners did, she got STI testing and let us know.

BUT-that didn't change the fact that we are still basically poly-fi.



Try to take yourself off this topic for a minute-consider a word like "runner". What is the definition of a "runner". Do you have to run at a certain speed? Certain distance? Certain times per week? What is it that makes a person a runner?

I think you will see that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in that example; and that is true for MOST words in our language.
Even in the mono world, there are many who consider themselves mono-but they have affairs (so they have sex with multiple partners)
or they are secretly in love with their best friend their whole lives (so they have multiple love partners)
or they have any number of random exceptions to the rule, like "it's ok if it's Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie".


Don't assume you have to pick the strictest or most lenient definition of a word.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,156
Default

There are resources that could help you:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

But there is NOTHING that is going to be like "Here is the map for having a poly "V" shape configuration. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. There! Guaranteed!"

All people are not the same and what interpersonal relationship skills and abilities that they bring to the table are going to be different. So are their wants, needs, and limits.

Quote:
I need a word or label, because my mono-ID seems to have fallen apart-ish, and I don't feel like "poly" fits, really. I know many poly words, "compersion" for one, are made up, but I feel silly doing that. I had "monogamish" suggested, and it seems flip.
So you are in transition. Could call it that. "I'm in transition." Or in a time of discernment as you figure yourselves out. Could call it that. "In a time of Discernment."

Whatever the latest "news" happening in the inner newspaper that is YOU? The masthead still is "UpsideDown" -- YOU. Your name. You are YOU, always. Whether 1 year old you, or 10 year old you, or 100 year old you -- you are still you. Getting to know all sides of you as they emerge can sometimes be startling or disconcerting.

Especially if there's something you didn't know you had in you, because the circumstances to trigger it hadn't come up before. Breathe. It's ok. You are still you. You don't get to choose how you feel, but you do get to choose how you behave.

Quote:
I need to hear from her, and I need to get over my Baptist-induced guilt/shame over the thing, and worries that DH will become upset, even though he isn't now.
I gather you told her how you feel and she's deciding if she's willing to see where the romance there could lead then? And you are waiting for reply? And the waiting is making you antsy?

What guilt/shame are you feeling? Are you talking down to yourself in your head? Your chosen faith path is there to help you become your best self and help you tend to your spiritual health and support you. It is not there to cause you pain. Does your adult path have room for your relationships to grow? For you to grow? Do YOU give yourself room to grow/change over time?

So DH gets upset. You are not out to get him. You are not doing anything behind his back. What's the fear in seeing him upset? What the plan for conflict resolution? Perhaps knowing what the plan is there, since you like to know what's going on could help calm you?

Quote:
Nights like yesterday, or the time DH and I and she and her BF went to our family birthday party for my son, are reassuring.
Why? Because you know she's still your friend even if she's thinking the romance layer over still? She's not going to bail on the friendship?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-27-2012 at 12:16 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-27-2012, 12:04 AM
UpsideDown's Avatar
UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 61
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Try to take yourself off this topic for a minute-consider a word like "runner". What is the definition of a "runner". Do you have to run at a certain speed? Certain distance? Certain times per week? What is it that makes a person a runner?

I think you will see that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in that example; and that is true for MOST words in our language.
Even in the mono world, there are many who consider themselves mono-but they have affairs (so they have sex with multiple partners)
or they are secretly in love with their best friend their whole lives (so they have multiple love partners)
or they have any number of random exceptions to the rule, like "it's ok if it's Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie".


Don't assume you have to pick the strictest or most lenient definition of a word.
This was incredibly helpful. I think one of the things that calms DH down is the fact that she's already an emotional-partner of mine. It's "only" a change on the romantic/sexual axis, which is more-than-enough.

Thanks.
__________________
29, married to DH, the best guy in the world. 2 kids, dog, house with fence.
Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:25 AM.