Exploring my desires

[Feynman]

I'm a straight male in a long-term relationship with the love of my life. For all intents and purposes, we're practically married.

I fell into a polyamory situation quite by accident when I realized I had feelings for a childhood friend several years into my current relationship. I opted to be extremely honest about everything since I had cheated previously with a prior girlfriend and absolutely hated the guilt and damage that it caused. My current girlfriend was eventually okay with it, but the childhood friend moved on and I'm back to a very happy monogamous relationship.

My current girlfriend is still open to me having another relationship in the mix, but I'm not in any kind of rush. I'm really here to see if I can understand the psychology behind my motivations and desires. Notably, I go off the deep end when it comes to jealousy--extremely hypocritical--at least when it comes to other males. It's probably deeply-rooted insecurities of some kind, but I'm not exactly looking to fix that about myself as it hasn't caused any problems for me yet (I trust my girlfriend enough that it hasn't gone past a kind of joke and she's been fine with the way I am).

[kdt26417]

Hey Feynman,
Welcome to our forum.

Emotions are not always rational; sometimes, they are trigger-related. I'm sure you'll be able to learn much as you check out our various threads and boards, and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns.

You're most fortunate to have such a supportive girlfriend. It sounds like the two of you are well-matched with each other. If another poly situation comes upon you in the future, you'll be prepared (as prepared as any of us can be).

Hope you find this to be a beneficial site, as I have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

[JaneQSmythe]

#1.) Your user name really caught my eye - Richard Feynman was one of my childhood heroes (I read his autobiography when I was about 10) - any relation?

Originally Posted by Feynman

I opted to be extremely honest about everything since I had cheated previously with a prior girlfriend and absolutely hated the guilt and damage that it caused.

#2.) Good on you for realizing that honesty is definitely the way to go!

Originally Posted by Feynman

I'm really here to see if I can understand the psychology behind my motivations and desires. Notably, I go off the deep end when it comes to jealousy--extremely hypocritical--at least when it comes to other males. It's probably deeply-rooted insecurities of some kind, but I'm not exactly looking to fix that about myself as it hasn't caused any problems for me yet (I trust my girlfriend enough that it hasn't gone past a kind of joke and she's been fine with the way I am).

#3.) (And this is the one I really wanted to address) My husband (boyfriend at the time) was always ok with my pursuits of other women...but decidedly NOT ok with a sexual relationship with another guy (although he was ok with everything up to the sex, and agreed with poly "intellectually"). We never addressed this, for 19 years, because we BOTH assumed that, although I had identified as poly the whole time, I was looking for that "missing feminine energy." (Turns out that I just don't like most men .)

When Dude, unexpectedly, entered the picture - a.) I handled it poorly (you can read my "Journey" blog here if you want the sordid details) and b.) we had to address an "elephant in the room" issue that we had ignored for 19 years. After 3 months of darkness, and another 3 months of careful consideration, we ended up where we are now (and have been for 2 years) - a functioning MFM Vee.

You are posting on a poly forum, so lots of us here can help you explore your motivations and desires - since many of us share them. I would point out though that your, yes "extremely hypocritical" theoretical "off the deep end" jealousy when it comes to your girlfriend having another male partner may have to be addressed if this is a long-term endeavor. You don't mention her sexual or relationship orientation but, at some point - if this goes forward - unless she is strictly mono, she may look at what you have (are considering having) and decide that she wants the same.

Just my two cents.

JaneQ

[Feynman]

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

#1.) Your user name really caught my eye - Richard Feynman was one of my childhood heroes (I read his autobiography when I was about 10) - any relation?

Unfortunately, no relation. He's also a hero of mine. I still haven't "come out" to the world, so I'm choosing to remain anonymous for now and chose Feynman as a pseudonym as a kind of statement about what is important to me.

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe

You are posting on a poly forum, so lots of us here can help you explore your motivations and desires - since many of us share them. I would point out though that your, yes "extremely hypocritical" theoretical "off the deep end" jealousy when it comes to your girlfriend having another male partner may have to be addressed if this is a long-term endeavor. You don't mention her sexual or relationship orientation but, at some point - if this goes forward - unless she is strictly mono, she may look at what you have (are considering having) and decide that she wants the same.

I don't disagree, but I'd rather approach that topic slowly and from a distance. So far, my tactic has been to be extremely honest about that as well, so that everybody involved knows where I stand, as unfair as it might be. My girlfriend and I are extremely communicative, so we have that going for us. I do my best to make up for the unfairness in other ways--compensating by conceding on things that matter most to her.

My girlfriend is straight. She's not opposed to sex with women, but has never sought it.

[Stevenjaguar]

Part of being okay with the idea of her having another man is realizing that relationships can come to an end and it really doesn't matter if there's another man or not. The best you can do for her is to be there for her and share her thoughts and feelings and needs. If she wants another man in her life you're better off having her satisfied and fulfilled, and what's more you helped make it happen. At least that's the way I looked at it and it helped a whole lot.

[kdt26417]

Making progress a little at a time is good. It helps ensure that the progress will stick, for one thing.

I recommend continuing to read (and participate in) the various threads on this site. It will give you more opportunity to do some introspection. No rush, just a good opportunity.

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by Feynman

Notably, I go off the deep end when it comes to jealousy--extremely hypocritical--at least when it comes to other males. It's probably deeply-rooted insecurities of some kind, but I'm not exactly looking to fix that about myself as it hasn't caused any problems for me yet

I commend you for recognizing this about yourself, and acknowledging it openly to others. And you are correct in that as your girlfriend is currently mono, this isn't something you have to 'fix' right away. Other's have suggested looking around here - there is a ton of stuff about jealousy and also specifically about men not wanting their female partners to have sex/relationships/connections with other men. (Do a tag search for OPP - One Penis Policy - to get you started looking at those threads.)

And it seems like you know that this may well be a problem for you at some point. You're right. Even if your girlfriend never expresses any interest in another man, this deeply held set of beliefs may bite you in the ass anyway. I say 'set of beliefs' because it is my belief that this form of jealousy may be connected to a wider grouping of beliefs about yourself, what 'men' are and how they should act, what 'women' are and do, how they are 'supposed to' interact, and so on. Those underlying beliefs may influence you and how you view her and your relationship in ways that are not easily seen. And things that are not easy to detect - in my experience - are the ones that can torpedo relationships. Of course, this may not true for you at all. But I encourage you to do what you are already starting out to do and deeply examine these feelings of jealousy. It can only help you, even if you and she remain monogamous.