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  #41  
Old 12-21-2012, 08:54 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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The thing is, if OP should ask for what she wants, stressing how important it is to her, and expect to receive what she wants...doesn't the same apply to the various partners?

Are they on another forum somewhere being told to ask for what they want, stress how important it is to them, refuse to let anyone make them feel guilty, and possibly end the relationship if it continues to be a problem for them?
To me? It's the HOW. Are they asking like a request? Or making a demand?

It is one thing to ask your partner something and present it as a request.
  • "Would you be able/willing to spend Xmas with me?"

Partner is then able to say "yes" or "no" freely. You are willing to accept your partner's answer even if it isn't what you hope it would be. No string attached.

It is another to present it as a demand.
  • "Spend Xmas with me or else I'm gonna guilt trip you and be all kinds of bratty!"

Even if the demand is not expressed in that clear of words, that is what it seems like is happening here. To "ask" and then apply guilt trippage or be acting out later if the answer is no? That's emotionally manipulative.

The OP is dealing with this:

Quote:
I just feel like no matter what I do someone's going to get hurt and take it out on me either with over dramaticizing and saying things they don't mean about my feelings for them, or taking it out passive aggressively, or holding an internal grudge and unleashing it weeks later. :/
If the partners use emotional manipulation to get their way as a chronic habit? That's not a healthy way to be in relationship.

Hellokitty could decline invitations that don't fit in her calendar.

Hellokitty could invite the partners to find constructive ways to deal with their disappointment that creates closeness in the relationship -- like set a different date to have special time together.

Rather than the partners engaging in destructive ways (temper fits, acting out, etc) that break down trust and hurt the relationship. If they chronically act out, Hellokitty will have a hard time trusting that they WON'T pitch a fit the next time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-21-2012 at 09:05 PM.
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  #42  
Old 12-25-2012, 04:02 AM
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Originally Posted by PolyLinguist View Post
And if she is poly, occasional loneliness is part of the price. Even on Christmas Day.
I would argue that occasional loneliness is part of the price of being human, a social creature. One problem with the way a lot of people do monogamy is they expect relationships to prevent them from every feeling lonely again.

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By and large, I detect a lack of equity in this kind of discussion. Certainty of togetherness at some key times (holidays, birthdays, common vacations, events involving children) is part of the benefit of lasting relationships (AKA marriage, even if not certified by a piece of paper). Such lasting relationships have corresponding obligations as well, fair is fair.
Togetherness at some key times is not a certain benefit of marriage. Sure, it's nice, but it's not automatic.

My husband works out of town 10 out of every 14 days. He's frequently away during holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It's just part of our lifestyle and we deal with it. We're grown-ups and we understand that life doesn't always go exactly the way we would like it to.

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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
The thing is, if OP should ask for what she wants, stressing how important it is to her, and expect to receive what she wants...doesn't the same apply to the various partners?
There are two kinds of "I want" at play here. There's "what I want from you" and "what I want to do for myself."

"ask for what she wants" and "expect to receive what she wants" apply only to things she might want from others. They're under no obligation to meet her wants.

You always have the right to meet your wants to the best of the ability. You never have the right to insist on others meeting your wants. If their wants coincide with yours, great. If not, too bad, get over it.
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  #43  
Old 12-25-2012, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
There are two kinds of "I want" at play here. There's "what I want from you" and "what I want to do for myself."

"ask for what she wants" and "expect to receive what she wants" apply only to things she might want from others. They're under no obligation to meet her wants.

You always have the right to meet your wants to the best of the ability. You never have the right to insist on others meeting your wants. If their wants coincide with yours, great. If not, too bad, get over it.
Totally agree with this! Just couldn't get it to words in my earlier post (which may sound contradictory to this but I don't see it as such).

One thing is wants (from others), another is personal boundaries (wants for myself). The first is something you ask for, and may or may not get it. The latter is something you don't need to ask for, it is something you enforce for yourself.
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  #44  
Old 12-25-2012, 09:13 PM
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You know, when we have the "high class problem" of choosing which partner or love interest we will spend time with on a holiday, there is another, perhaps better, choice to make. We can volunteer our time serving in a soup kitchen or distributing meals to house-bound seniors who have more pressing concerns. That would solve a lot more than just the power struggle between metamours.
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  #45  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:19 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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One thing is wants (from others), another is personal boundaries (wants for myself). The first is something you ask for, and may or may not get it. The latter is something you don't need to ask for, it is something you enforce for yourself.
That's a much better way to put it. Wants vs Boundaries. Go teamwork!
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  #46  
Old 12-26-2012, 06:20 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You know, when we have the "high class problem" of choosing which partner or love interest we will spend time with on a holiday, there is another, perhaps better, choice to make. We can volunteer our time serving in a soup kitchen or distributing meals to house-bound seniors who have more pressing concerns. That would solve a lot more than just the power struggle between metamours.
:applauding:

Where there's a lot of love to give, there are lots of people who could benefit from that love--all those NYC mentioned, children waiting to be adopted, sick children and babies at hospitals who could use someone to hold them or read to them.
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  #47  
Old 12-26-2012, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I would argue that occasional loneliness is part of the price of being human, a social creature. One problem with the way a lot of people do monogamy is they expect relationships to prevent them from every feeling lonely again.
I quite agree on the first part. Indeed, we are all lonely at times. It is not even a bad thing. I am solidly married, but at times have travelled alone for business and other reasons, and there is a special bittersweet feeling to spend some time on my own, in a foreign place, with no-one to spend my evenings with - somehow evening is the time when I most acutely feel "alone" under such circumstances. I would have the same feelings if I was at home, with my wife away, for whataver reason. For a few days, it can be quite exhilarating - after that, I would find company in any case, one way or another.

The second part I am not sure what you mean. Why is what you say a problem? Especially in the case of people doing monogamy: strictly speaking they have only one "relationship", don't they? Some people do expect constant companionship from their mono partner, but others don't. I and my wife have always had autonomy and a certain amount of "own-time", and we know people who find this strange. But that's their problem, not ours.
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  #48  
Old 01-04-2013, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by PolyLinguist View Post
I quite agree on the first part. Indeed, we are all lonely at times. It is not even a bad thing.

The second part I am not sure what you mean. Why is what you say a problem? Especially in the case of people doing monogamy: strictly speaking they have only one "relationship", don't they? Some people do expect constant companionship from their mono partner, but others don't.
That's why I said "the way a lot out people do monogamy" and not a problem with monogamy itself. It's unrealistic to expect anyone to solve a problem that is inherent in the human condition itself. That, in turn, puts pressure on your partners to do the impossible.

Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to expect their partners to do the impossible.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #49  
Old 02-03-2013, 04:06 PM
Husbandof2brotherof1 Husbandof2brotherof1 is offline
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Default So much in common

We have exactly the same problem. We have been a quad for about 6 months, and face many of the problems you face, we are two couples that fell into this by accident.We have no prior poly experience. We are very much in love. We live 30 minutes apart. Are careers include home maker, finance, banking and investigation. To come out would end three of those careers. We are currently day dreaming and discussing selling both our homes and building a home designed for our quad to live as equals 24/7. I have read other posts from you and feel we have so much in common, I hope we can stay in touch and hopefully compare notes as we go.
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  #50  
Old 02-03-2013, 05:49 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
How do we act about our possessions? We show them off! New iPhone? Show friends. New guitar? Tell friends about it. Went on holiday? Show every mother and her son the photos. And how do people usually respond? "ohhh... that's amazing!"... they very, very rarely say "yeah. I don't really give a shit."
Wow, you and I should NEVER hang out XD

But seriously, no fucking idea. I never even had to consider this kind of problem till a few weeks ago and its causing no small amount of discord in my own world.

Its less about "what people would think" and more about being kept away from family. I could give a fuck, I really could, about people's opinions regarding my romantic life but I have a brother in law that hit the Jesus juice REALLY hard (ironic, considering he married my sister when she was six months pregnant with a baby conceived while she was still married...) and I worry that he'd prevent me from seeing my nieces and nephews whom I am very close to.

I doubt the rest of my family would care, they're very much "live and let live" people, but this kind of thing tends to stir feelings in people you may not have known they had before. I'm already kind of the black sheep of the family so that's not a worry.

I do know that hiding things like this is basically attaching a timer to finding out. That shit WILL go off, its just a matter of time. At some point, someone's story wont match, someone will hear or see something they shouldn't have, someone will let something slip, and the whole cat-bag thing will go off. However good you think you are at hiding something, subtract that by half and then half again just to accommodate for Murphy giving you a solid size 12 in the ass at the most in-opportune time.

Closets are also cramped places, causes a lot of stress. I've seen relationships crumble because of the stress of having to keep them hidden. Its freaking unnatural.

That said, I haven't yet taken my own advice so I might likely be completely full of shit.
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