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  #1  
Old 12-24-2012, 10:04 AM
mrcalzon02 mrcalzon02 is offline
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Default sigh.

me and my wife are having issues looking for a third. we had someone here locally who seamed interested but ran into issues... turned she had a dis-like for me the male half. but a healthy interest in her. things seamed like they might work out. she eventual opened up that she had no interest in me at all. this meant that we needed to keep looking. we have a very narrow list... while its something we feel we might have been able to deal with.. my wife is not bi so have to look else-wear. Its sad, she's a wonderful friend that we do truly care for. one of the reason's we even asked her is we both already had a feeling of trust with her. sorry if this is a little ...random trying to figure out how to word all of this... it is a strange process for us. any one else have negative attempt with people who knew them Before the ploy question?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:04 AM
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Have you considered both simply dating separately and seeing what happens?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:52 AM
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I don't quite understand why you are looking for a gf for the both of you if your wife is straight.
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't quite understand why you are looking for a gf for the both of you if your wife is straight.
This is what is throwing me, too, actually.
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:06 PM
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I think a lot of couples who are starting to explore polyamory think that a tried would be an ideal relationship because it seems less threatening than dating separately (like maybe you won't be jealous if your partner falls in love, if you are also in love with the same person). In reality, it doesn't work that way. Solid triad relationships do happen, but it's sort of a fluke-- there are far more people looking for them than living them.

It's a difficult thing to achieve, and if your wife is not bisexual, that's going to make it a little more of a challenge. Or do you envision your wife simply having a platonic friendship with your other girlfriend?

(Your intro post suggested that you are hoping to bring in another, younger girlfriend who can have a baby, so the three of you can co-parent together. That's a pretty tall order.)
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Old 12-26-2012, 03:18 AM
mrcalzon02 mrcalzon02 is offline
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yes, we are thinking of different answers to our situation now, we may go to a more open marriage and see how that works out. we have a lot of talking to do... yes it is a tall order.. we might need to widen our search. I think dating separately might have a chance. we will need to consider these choices...i guess that might be the only way we might find the solution we are looking for.
our end goal is to be able to raise kids together. it is a tall order. we are going to keep looking.
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  #7  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrcalzon02 View Post
me and my wife are having issues looking for a third. we had someone here locally who seamed interested but ran into issues... turned she had a dis-like for me the male half. but a healthy interest in her. things seamed like they might work out. she eventual opened up that she had no interest in me at all. this meant that we needed to keep looking. we have a very narrow list... while its something we feel we might have been able to deal with.. my wife is not bi so have to look else-wear. Its sad, she's a wonderful friend that we do truly care for. one of the reason's we even asked her is we both already had a feeling of trust with her. sorry if this is a little ...random trying to figure out how to word all of this... it is a strange process for us. any one else have negative attempt with people who knew them Before the ploy question?
A third what?

a narrow list? Are you grocery shopping? Girlfriends are people, not check-lists.

It sounds more like you're looking for a second wife who will basically be a free, live-in nanny. Unsurprising if women aren't knocking down your door for that...
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  #8  
Old 12-26-2012, 10:06 AM
mrcalzon02 mrcalzon02 is offline
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we should have a thick hide about this(it is the internet were talking to.) but it still hurts when you insult or be little us. we came here for advice and to share in what might lie ahead.

Yes we have a list. so? the list is common sense things like, Must not be drug addict, or must not be Clinically insane. live-in-nanny is that what you call a mother? We didn't go into this thinking it would be instant. how many people can say they are really okay with dating someone who is married? that is a must have,and its on the list. Lists are organized Lists are easy. people are not lists weed out those who cannot think. we where not born yesterday.we are aware that we are probably going to need to start as casual and then If things develop from there who ever is with us is not going to be Blindsided by the question "Gee you willing to have a kid" out of nothing. Any parent can tell you them more help the Better! you know the old saying "it takes a community to raise kids" and its Us who would end up the nanny's. not her, the child would be hers we would be helping her taking as much or as little part as She was willing... maybe you are right and we aren't cut out for this, we still intend to try.
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  #9  
Old 12-26-2012, 06:25 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrcalzon02 View Post
we should have a thick hide about this(it is the internet were talking to.) but it still hurts when you insult or be little us. we came here for advice and to share in what might lie ahead.
Perhaps the advice you've just received is to point out how you may very well be coming across to women you proposition.

You say:

Quote:
we have discovered the much desired option of having and raising a child is not going to be a choice with the wife. ...we would need to seek out other's who might help us, not to mention we both enjoy the idea of having another lover in our life.
To me, this DOES sound like you want a fun sex toy for the two of you that can also give you (the two of you) the baby you want.

If you approached me saying this, my answer would be...no. No. And NO again. It would sound to me very much exactly like what Schrodinger's Cat said. I would very much believe that you were asking me to bear a child FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE, not my own child.

Like a critique of writing or music or acting you're about to put out in the world...isn't it better to hear it HERE than hear from the rest of your town, from your family, your co-workers, from people who know you, that this woman is telling everyone how it felt to her? If you think you feel bad hearing it from a stranger on the internet, how are you going to feel hearing it from family, friends, and co-workers?

If this is NOT what you're looking for, if we're off base, it would be helpful to you, to clarify your own thoughts by explaining HERE, before you try to explain to other women in your town, exactly what you really want.

As you say, this would be HER child as well as yours. Any time she wants to pack up and leave, that child likely goes with her. Are you ready for that? For the legal issues that could ensue? For paying child support for a child who might be living in New York or Hawaii?

Why not adopt a child? Why not hire a surrogate? Why not a child where YOU AND YOUR WIFE are the legal parents, rather than you and another woman, who has a life, thoughts, feelings, and will of her own?
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  #10  
Old 12-26-2012, 07:06 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrcalzon02 View Post
we should have a thick hide about this(it is the internet were talking to.) but it still hurts when you insult or be little us. we came here for advice and to share in what might lie ahead.
I think this is fair, on both ends. Yeah, you need to toughen up a bit about asking for advice on the interwebs especially when what you are looking for is so...common a search for married couples. On the other hand, being nice to the newbies is always something to shoot for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrcalzon02 View Post
Yes we have a list. so? the list is common sense things like, Must not be drug addict, or must not be Clinically insane. live-in-nanny is that what you call a mother? ... maybe you are right and we aren't cut out for this, we still intend to try.
Again, I kind of see this. If what you're looking for is a triad of some sort (although it doesn't sound like your wife is sexually interested in women, so...), then all the same criteria that people have for roommates apply. Not a drug addict or a sociopath, responsible, etc are all good qualities for roommates. Then you're trying to have a child with this person. Okay, so that adds on all the issues that come with surrogacy/open-adoption...that they have an accepting family, that they aren't bad at making life choices, etc.

Hell, I wasn't looking to date, and I've found I still have an internal list: kind, intelligent, funny, respectful, quirky, patient, dedicated. Those are all requirements for long-lasting friendship, and, apparently, whatever else there is in the world.

Take a breath and start slow. Best advice I've been given.
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Developed a fast and accidental crush on then-best-friend, CG (cute-girl) and world fell apart after telling said girl. Came here for advice and info in case it became a thing. It didn't, but the friendship exploded. Turned world a bit upside-down, hence the moniker. ::sigh::
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