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Old 12-24-2012, 06:22 AM
Julee Julee is offline
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Default New to this mindset and seeking guidance

Hello everyone! I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum, as I don't really know a suitable person to ask for advice about my newfound situation. I apologize in advance if my intro is too detailed; I just want to give a fuller picture for (hopefully) more precise insights and advice.

I am a bi-curious young woman and have been in a monogamous relationship with my straight boyfriend, L, for a little over three years, living together since only a few months after starting our relationship. We are very serious and plan on getting married. However, despite our relatively new kinship and young ages, we have been--and worked--through a lot of issues: cheating, two instances of me cheating on him in the first three months of getting together, one instance of him cheating on me one month into the relationship, and two instances of him kissing girls after over a year of being together, which was the hardest for me to deal with since we had already fessed up to and moved on from the early cheating.

Despite a rocky start, we were able to be honest, communicate, and figure out what we needed to change. I feel that we can get through anything together, and I hope that isn't dismissed as being young and foolish/cocky, because we are on a completely different wavelength than any couples we know our age.

Starting about a year ago I've gradually let L know about my inkling towards lesbian porn, and finally several months ago we got to a point where we would watch it together. This kind of forced me to deal with my unresolved sexuality; deep down I always knew I wanted to mess around with a girl, but had no desire to act on it since I was with L. I lied to myself about it for a long time, but it was too much for me to contain. At first he struggled with this and sometimes got jealous, but then embraced it and started suggesting a threesome. The idea was enticing but still stung a little, mainly due to my body insecurities, not at all because of any shortcomings on his part.

Now I've lost weight, and L moved on from the threesome idea to having a triad, because he doesn't want to have sex without romantic feelings, and neither do I. But I don't know if I want it as much as he does, and I'm worried that the idea appeals to him so much because he's let a fantasy go wild out of being dissatisfied with me. We're very open with each other, and I don't hold back from him intimately, but I don't know if he would even be consciously aware of wanting a triad for those wrong reasons, if that were indeed the case. We've talked in detail about what we would want and expect and we're definitely on the same page. We're so much closer after this. But I'm still scared that I'll end up getting my heart broken, even though I trust him and his (conscious) intentions.

Are there any words of wisdom to share? Has anyone been in the same situation that cares to share their successes or failures with a FFM triad and what contributed to those successes or failures? And how likely is it for a man to want to sincerely attempt a triad as a means to fix his lack of satisfaction in the bedroom instead of just breaking up?
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Old 12-25-2012, 09:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Julee,

All people are different, and all relationships are different. L could be looking to fulfill a fantasy as some kind of fix, but you can't really know that for sure unless you ask him outright (and even then he might have to do some introspection to know).

It sounds like you and L generally communicate quite a bit, which is a big advantage toward your success in this FFM triad prospect. I would just take things really slowly, and check up with each other often along the way. Other than that, your prospects are good, even though true love always comes with some risk.

This is a good site, with much info and many resources. Take your time, to look around, and see what threads call to you. Continue to post any thoughts, questions, or concerns you may have. It's quite a busy site, so ping your threads from time to time as needed.

I am personally in an MFM triad, so my advice for you is necessarily generalized. But like I said, take it slow, continue to communicate, and learn as much as you can about how poly works. Polyamory.com is a good place for learning that stuff.

Welcome aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 12-28-2012, 09:59 PM
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Fish1470 Fish1470 is offline
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Hiya Julee,

I can only really echo what Kdt said, communication and honesty are key. My wife followed a similar path to yours, coming to her bisexuality realization recently. We did the whole threesome thing, here comes the honesty, did I partake to support her exploration? Yes, I wanted her to feel that it was something we had embraced together, that said I know I had my own selfish reasons for agreeing to it.

I wish you well and can only offer that although very few things are without personal agenda trust, communication and open honesty can go a long way. Just remember this new found sexuality is your need, your want and not a simple opportunity for L to live out a fantasy... That I think is the hardest part for me from his point of view, to not let the support I show Kat be because of a simple sexual fantasy.
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