Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

View Poll Results: Better to leave or stay?
Talk it out 2 15.38%
Throw in the towel 11 84.62%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 13. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-24-2012, 02:25 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,386
Default

I just finished answering your other thread about age gap, in which you talked about trying to get pregnant. I just wanted to add, make sure the problems in the relationship are fixed before you try for a pregnancy. I obviously don't know you personally so I don't know if it's your case, but a lot of people seem to assume that having a kid can "fix" a relationship, that once the baby is there things will fall into place.
That is NOT true, and having a baby can rock the healthiest of relationships. In a relationship that is already rocky, it can be disastrous. So, I'm not completely sure how to help your specific relationship, but at least delaying your own pregnancy would avoid worsening it even more.

Other than that, a lot of talking seems to be in order, and make sure you know what you want and stand for it.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-25-2012, 04:24 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
If I can't keep her happy and am always wrong when do I throw in the towel and say it is over?
Quote:
Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
But DON'T tell me what I should or shouldn't do.
No comment required.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-25-2012, 06:58 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
No comment required.
But if one were to comment anyway, one might admit to finding it amusing when a person posts a poll that essentially says "what should i do", then writes in same said thread "don't tell me what i should or shouldn't do".

Furthermore, it is worth observing that the OP writes a thread titled "trouble... Etc." and in the next breath declares that they are "trying for a baby" with another member of this "trouble".


Notice that i have not made any assumptions nor have i indicated any judgement about age in this post. I am simply repeating what has been said by the OP and pointing out the functional discrepancies.

If i wanted to be judgmental, i'd talk about the innocent human the OP wants to create and how that baby has no choice about being brought into a fucked up situation. But since i'm trying to avoid being judgmental, i will keep my opinions to myself, since they were not asked for.

Do i at least grasp the gist of it? Or should i start a separate thread with a poll asking that very question?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-25-2012, 08:54 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,437
Default

So you do or don't want advice?
Because you ask for advice and then DEMAND we not give it.

*color me perplexed.... Reminds me of when I was a kid...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-25-2012, 07:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

Quote:
So you do or don't want advice?
Because you ask for advice and then DEMAND we not give it.
*color me perplexed.... Reminds me of when I was a kid...
Doesn't perplex me. It's not the giving of the advice. It's the manner in which it is given and if that manner can be well received or not.

GSAS082612 did not share her preferences for HOW she wants the advice given other than as a poll. People have voted in the poll part. Right now it is 100% to end the relationship, which can be hard to digest.

Some have given additional comments taking a shot in the dark to try to help. Since no additional direction/preference for tone/focus area was given for that part of it, it cannot be helped that it will be a mixed bag.

In future, GSAS082612 could state how she would prefer the advice be presented so she can best receive it in her upset condition. People will either try to do so or not. (In her second thread she has given preferences for how the feedback could be presented. So good for you, GSAS082612, for doing that! I hope you use that skill also in talking to your polyship people.)

Since it seems like you talked to your polyship people... Was a satisfactory conclusion reached? Some kind of solution to try out for the next chunk of time to see if you needs are better met? For your sake, I hope so.

Don't be afraid to walk away though if your needs are chronically not met in this relationship and you are unable to thrive. You are an adult person in an adult relationship. You choose what you are willing to tolerate in return for your needs being met. Don't tolerate shenanigans. Nobody deserves endless nonsense and neglect!

On the reasons I put a "three strikes you are out" in my playbook for how I want to be treated in relationships is for two reasons.

1) If the other person is still on the same chronic issue and I've had to bring it up 3 times to their attention? It show's me THEY aren't seriously trying to mend that.

2) If I've had to bring it up 3 times? It shows ME my needs are still not being met. Prevents me from letting my emotional attachment to the person make excuses for their behavior -- them not being present and responsible in the relationship (oh, they are tired from work, they don't really mean it, etc) and override what is best for my long term health.

Again, I hope for your sake talking to your partners was constructive and led to a possible solution to try out so your needs are going to be met now. But if your needs are not going to be met -- do not tolerate shenanigans. You could start counting "strikes" there. I put my limit at 3. Maybe you put your limit at 5. But wherever it is you put it -- do have a limit!

Did you get all the feedback you needed from this thread? Was there anything else you needed?

Good luck to you in your situation! I hope it gets better for you.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-25-2012 at 08:19 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-25-2012, 09:06 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Does Jerry Springer still have a show?

Ahem.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:18 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
On the reasons I put a "three strikes you are out" in my playbook for how I want to be treated in relationships is for two reasons.

1) If the other person is still on the same chronic issue and I've had to bring it up 3 times to their attention? It show's me THEY aren't seriously trying to mend that.

2) If I've had to bring it up 3 times? It shows ME my needs are still not being met. Prevents me from letting my emotional attachment to the person make excuses for their behavior -- them not being present and responsible in the relationship (oh, they are tired from work, they don't really mean it, etc) and override what is best for my long term health.
I'm curious about this, GG. To which sorts of things does it apply? To me, patience while people work on growth and self-improvement is part of love.

e.g. some people have issues they've been working on for years, things stemming from childhood upbringing or major trauma later on. In those cases, it's not like there's a switch you can just flick after the first strike. None of these are things that randomly crop up after 2 years or anything. They're things I learn about within the first few month and then decide whether or not to accept in the relationship. If I decide to accept them, I don't think it's fair to keep bringing them up unless they start to regress.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

Quote:
I'm curious about this, GG. To which sorts of things does it apply? To me, patience while people work on growth and self-improvement is part of love.
I agree, patience is important. But endless patience is not a right.

Quote:
They're things I learn about within the first few month and then decide whether or not to accept in the relationship. If I decide to accept them, I don't think it's fair to keep bringing them up unless they start to regress.
I agree, and that's what I'm talking about.

That time in new relationships ( to me that's in the 6-24 mos bracket of NRE time ending and the relationship gets serious) where boundaries are being established, people are learning each others wants, needs, and limits and are setting up foundation skills like how to communicate, how to resolve conflict.

In that early relationship time period, the "right to responsiveness" and the "right to clear communication" would be something that could be a deal breaker for me. (You can click on my name to get the full list of my own preferences in relationship.)

I expect my partner to talk to me in appropriate ways, to respond when I ask what is going on. I don't want to be shut out, and I don't want to be a mind reader. But how can one have a relationship with there's no back and forth relating happening?

In this particular case? One problem the OP is posting about is one partner who seems really angry all the time, causes "fire starter arguments" and being pretty fed up with this behavior. Like picking a fight on purpose? That's not a healthy conflict resolution style for a long term relationship. Conflict does not have to be all out war with a partner. It is opportunity for growth and understanding. You may not agree, but you can try to see things from the other guy's point of view and deal with conflict calmly.

If the partner is trying to find new ways communicate and putting in effort, ok. We don't have to expect perfection from the get go! We can be patient as they try to read, learn new techniques, deal with anger better, etc.

But if the partner is not putting any effort at all to address this behavior? Continues to lash out even after being told this is hurtful? Does the OP want to spend eternity with this partner where every future conflict becomes a volatile ordeal to have to get through? That's very draining. It is not loving, kind behavior.

OP could bring it up X times. See if it changes or reasonable effort is being made. I choose 3, she could choose, 5 times, 10. Whatever. Just have some kind of limit. And if limit is reached and it just is not changing and no effort being made? Break it off, or accept this will never change here and is part of the price of admission to be in a relationship with this person.

I think people in loving relationship deserve to be treated with loving, kind behavior. They do not have to put up with shenanigans that are hurtful to their well being.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-26-2012 at 06:19 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-26-2012, 06:01 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Okay, I hear where you're coming from now. I agree, if I can see signs that someone is trying, I'm far more likely to be patient.

For me, I'm closer to "one strike" with certain behaviours. In the early stages of a relationship, I have a tendency to assume that if you'll do something hurtful once, you'll probably do it repeatedly. Sure, mistakes happen. But I'm pretty good at telling the difference between someone being careless once, and just being an inconsiderate person in general. I don't give the latter a lot of leeway.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 12-28-2012, 01:32 PM
Becca Becca is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 56
Default

When I was 18 (and 21, and 25), I was far more likely to put up with bullshit in bad relationships. When I love, I feel intensely loyal, and it is very difficult to make decisions about what I need to do to take care of myself.

But the most important thing I've learned over time is devote more energy and loyalty to myself. That has given me valuable relationship skills, and has helped me develop healthier and stronger relationships with my lovers.

To the OP: Those of us who are significantly older than you have had the experience of living through and learning from some hard knocks, and of course we would like to somehow communicate to you what that's like, and what we've learned. You, of course, are not going to be able to hear that. And honestly, you shouldn't. There's no reason for you to "skip ahead" and try to look at things with the jaded eyes of a 30-something or 40-something or 50-something, etc. They say you shouldn't trust anyone over 30, and there's a reason for that. Be 18. Experience 18.

You describe a mess of a relationship, but this is the time of your life to be experiencing that. I could suggest that you leave this couple in the dust and go out in search of happier, healthier relationships, but you're not going to know what those relationships are like unless you ride this one into the bitter ground.

Meanwhile, though, take notes. Keep a journal. Learn from your mistakes. And try to do something generous for who you will be in 3, 5, 10 years: don't do anything permanent. Avoid the heavy drugs, and the babies, and over-spending on credit cards. Be very cautious about student loans-- you can't wipe those out in a bankruptcy.

As for this relationship, try talking to your partners about your feelings. Use "I feel" statements, rather than "you should" or "you do this" or "you do that." Pay attention to what works in conversation, and what causes arguments. Speaking with a low tone, quiet voice, can sometimes keep the arguments from starting. Don't keep a tally of who has sex with who. Keep a tally, instead, of how many nights you feel alone and sexually frustrated, how many days you feel unhappy with the relationships, as opposed to how many days you feel satisfied. Use that to judge how much more energy to put into this. And good luck.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
ending polyamory, jealousy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:40 PM.