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  #81  
Old 12-30-2009, 03:32 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I thought about this, came up with a list of my needs and what I can and cannot deal with in a relationship, posted in on LJ, felt empowered, decided that if I'm going to be in a relationship, it is MY relationship too, and I should be able to make MY rules as a pre-condition for the relationship, and re-phrased the list into theses rules:

1. Don't worry that I'm going to "steal your husband"- I really like being in a household with more than 2 adults, so it's much more likely that I'll end up spending so much time at your house that it makes more sense for me to just move in. I'm very willing to do tons of laundry, so you might end up thinking this is a good thing.
2. You can set boundaries, and draw some new lines as new emotional minefields are encountered, but overall boundaries need to get progressively looser, not more restrictive.
3. I cannot be a dirty little secret. We can discuss who to tell, who not to tell, we don't need to list our relationship status on facebook so people we went to grade school with can be shocked by our "lifestyle", you don't have to try to explain polyamory to my Dad, but I can't deal with living my life in the closet.
4. If you're going to veto me, do it before I get involved with your partner. If you need to think it over before you're sure, I can wait, but I cannot be in a relationship with possible retro-active veto hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles.
5. We need to talk or IM or something, if anything is bothering you let me know.
6. Drama is bad, think things over before going off.
7. No relationship bonsai! Let it grow freely into whatever it's going to be, or don't bother planting the seed at all.
8. I get to love and be loved, and get to say so, and no one can freak out about this.
9. If/when the relationship gets labeled or that label gets changed, it will be an accurate descriptive label. If we cannot think of an word that accurately describes it, we will make one up. We will not mislabel K2 as a molehill to make it seem less scary.
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  #82  
Old 12-30-2009, 05:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
4. If you're going to veto me, do it before I get involved with your partner. If you need to think it over before you're sure, I can wait, but I cannot be in a relationship with possible retro-active veto hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles.
Very good point. I never thought of that. We have always considered veto power before anything gets too deep, I hadn't thought of it in terms of a time limit. Interesting thought.

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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
7. No relationship bonsai! Let it grow freely into whatever it's going to be, or don't bother planting the seed at all.
I love this! I am totally going to use this line. Thanks again
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  #83  
Old 12-30-2009, 05:47 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
4. If you're going to veto me, do it before I get involved with your partner. If you need to think it over before you're sure, I can wait, but I cannot be in a relationship with possible retro-active veto hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles.
If a partner has veto power, that's pretty much a deal-breaker for me.
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  #84  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:04 AM
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If a partner has veto power, that's pretty much a deal-breaker for me.
The same for me.

~Raven~
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  #85  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:14 AM
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Except if the person is TOTALLY DESTRUCTIVE AND UNSTABLE, as was the case I am thinking about in my relationship with my husband. He was so in love with her and she was using him up to the point he forgot his family... it was crazy! (This was in our early days of Poly)

I told him my concerns and he chose to end it. If he had his reasons and things could be negotiated, then fine, I am willing to listen, but we had done that and he was vaccant and not able to participate in our family. To me, when kids are being affected, that warrants veto power.

I have the utmost respect for my husband and his choices in people he has in his life. I always make sure to give him lots of space to explore....

I just thought I better say this as veto power should never be taken lightly or be a power and control thing... to me its meant to preserve our primary relationship because of our child(for want of a better term) as far as I'm concerned...

Actually, come to think of it I never knew the term until after this situation.
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  #86  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I told him my concerns and he chose to end it.
This sounds different to me than veto.

As I interpret it, veto is where a partner overrides the other partner regardless of what they would have or have already chosen. Much as the President can override Congress.

Discussing, weighing pros and cons (including a partner's concerns) and arriving at a choice seems quite different to me.

~Raven~
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  #87  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:28 AM
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hm, we had a thread way back this spring discussing this.... perhaps a new thread?
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  #88  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:28 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I think preserving the primary relationship is definitely very important, but I don't see vetos as a constructive way to preserve them. Listening to a partner's concerns and discussing them definitely seems constructive. But a veto wouldn't address the concerns for me and would make me feel less secure about the relationship.
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  #89  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:44 AM
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Because of the veto (if I can call it that as I expressed concerns that he took very seriously, which lead to him deciding to end it) we were able to re-focus on one another and our family. We gained prospective, and prioritized. He even thought of trying again with her to see if it helped having some time away.... he realized he had been completely delusional and that she couldn't offer him or us what he/we were looking for.

I can see that this is a different perspective than perhaps she may of come from. She was the one being vettoed. That totally sucked for her for sure... she didn't get it. She took it out on me and it meant the end of the relationship I had with her boyfriend. They both thought he was a wuss and that I was a control freak. To bad really, cause that is not how it went down.

It never was resolved, but I still talk to the boyfriend every now and then. What it boiled down to was that they are more of the open/swinger variety of poly and we are not... different strokes kind of thing. We just had a different idea about where it was going. He was in love with her and she was not at all. She used him for that in my opoinion... where as she just thought it was fun to fuck him and wasn't it cute that he was in love with her.... hahaha... lalalala.
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  #90  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:45 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I'm okay with a partner having veto power before the relationship starts- I wouldn't want to share a partner with someone I didn't like, or someone who was bat shit crazy. So, I can understand wanting to discuss it, ask questions, go over STD status/safe sex guidelines, etc, and I can understand the non-involved person being more practical and thoughtful about it than the 2 people who are looking at each other all googly-eyed.
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