Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 12-22-2012, 08:08 AM
amk amk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26
Default Wife Ok

Well, after seeing a neurologist, my wife received good news. She doesn't have what they originally thought. "Overwhelming Relief" is the only way I can describe what we are both feeling. She is still experiencing symptoms, but the doctor explained a medication interaction may be to blame.

On the subject of our resumed discussion of the possibility of an open marriage, my wife has taken a strangely frustrating stance. I told her that, for now, I am open to discussion, but that I am not ready to open our marriage to other partners as I need to work on my own insecurities first before I can agree to anything. She seemed crestfallen and immediately closed off to me.

Later, when I reapproached her about my own questions, desires and fantasies, she completely closed off communication and refused to hear anything about what I would want. I had indicated an interest in the possibility of someday trying a four-some (two couples) as a sort of icebreaker into polyamory. She rejected the idea fairly quickly indicating that she isn't interested in having me present for any of her experiences. I asked her if her experiences were all that mattered? How can she expect me to be willing to agree to what she wants when she isn't even willing to discuss what I might want. She dismissed my ideas and hasn't spoken of it since.

I am completely confused by this new stance. While I am trying so hard to be open minded and understand her, she seems to be rejecting any form discussion where I am concerned. It is almost as if she wants me to sign off on her doing what she wants to do without regard to what I might want. Is this spiteful because I put a pin in the Open Marriage idea or is she just uninterested/uncomfortable in discussing what I might want? This is strange to me after she was so open and honest with me about what she wanted.

My wife also identified that I have been clingy around her. I know she's right, but didn't initially no what to do about it. Later, I formed a set of goals designed to help me become more independent.

I realized that I had been far too dependent on my wife for my own emotional stability and self esteem- thus why I was feeling clingy. Having identified the problem and after proactively engaging a solution, I have already noticed results. My wife isn't as annoyed when I'm around and seeks me out to spend time with me (after only 5 days). So, I'm on the road to a better more self-sustained me. Perhaps this is all for my betterment.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 12-22-2012, 11:48 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,249
Default

Congratulations on the good news.


How soon after the news did the open marriage talks start ....on the ride home ?

We're you too clingy when they thought she might die or were you a rock ...or is that what she was looking for in a rock.....a clingy rock?


It sounds like she has a plan with one particular guy in mind and you keep mucking it up ( in her mind you keep mucking it up )

I'd say it sounds very unreasonable to not even listen to your ideas.

I don't know what was on your list of fears and possible negative outcomes but I know this. Someone who says their not sure they want to be married anymore and doesn't know why is being naive by making assurances that x, y and z aren't possible. Most or things are possible it just some risk factors are cut down. And feeling are ever changing and can't be predicted. Yours included.

Is your wife sure now that she wants to be married and why? Has she sorted that out by herself or with the add of a professional?
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 12-22-2012, 12:55 PM
amk amk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26
Default

How soon after the news did the open marriage talks start ....on the ride home ?

I waited just over a week. I felt like that was sufficient time for she and I to process what had just happened.

We're you too clingy when they thought she might die or were you a rock ...or is that what she was looking for in a rock.....a clingy rock?

The clinginess started after everything was over.

It sounds like she has a plan with one particular guy in mind and you keep mucking it up ( in her mind you keep mucking it up )

She referred to more than one, but she may have specific plans for one in particular.

Is your wife sure now that she wants to be married and why? Has she sorted that out by herself or with the add of a professional?

She has told me that she loves me more than anyone else, doesn't want to lose me and wants to stay married for sure. I don't know how that will change if I decide that polyamory isn't for me, but she says that it won't matter...I have my doubts. She feels VERY strongly about polyamory and has told me more than once that she will ALWAYS desire to have sex with other men, regardless of what I decide.

As I said before, I am not deciding anything until I am OK with me. I need to figure out how to rid myself of my crushing insecurity.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 12-22-2012, 03:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,249
Default

It sounds like she has more of a swinger mentality than a poly mentality. Sport fucking vs falling in love and romantic relationships. How much time is she willing to devote to such activities. 2 other partners. How much time will be taken away from other things. How much time are you willing to donate if asked ?


So now she has changed her mind form not sure about wanting to be married ? Or changed it back to wanting to be married?

And your insecurity is based on her falling in love and leaving you? Which to me sounds like a very very legitimate fear .....at least the falling in love part...there are millions of stories of swinger having very specific ground rules to guard against that and ....wooops it happens anyway. And unfortunately the leaving part happens too . I know it's not one for one but read this forum you'll see that it happens. I'm sure the swingers forums has all kinds of similar stories.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 12-22-2012, 11:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,606
Default

Glad wife is ok! May want to postpone talk for longer than a week tho. That's scary medical news to have to digest!

Having a foursome (casual sex) is not the best doorway to polyamory (a longer lasting, romantic relationship which could have a sexual component in it.) Could that have turned her off when you said that? Not just because she doesn't want group sex, but because it sounded like it was sex only?

That said, it is true. It's not fair of her to want to talk about only her wants, needs, and limits. And not want to hear or discuss where your wants, needs, and limits may lie.

What behaviors of hers make insecure feelings well up in you? Not willing to listen/talk fairly? Anything else?
What behaviors of yours make insecure feelings well up in you? Clinging and looking to her to be your self esteem meter?

Maybe if you list more out it could help point to areas that need resolution? You sound like you found something of a path.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-22-2012 at 11:14 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 12-23-2012, 02:24 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 271
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by amk View Post
Has anyone in a monogamous relationship had polyamory suggested by a spouse and eventually decided it was for them, too? What was the journey like?
Kind of.

Early on in the relationship we acknowledged that although we wanted to be together, there were sexual experiences we had not yet had, and so we both wanted the freedom to pursue said experiences.

It wasn't until maybe a year or so later that SO explained his desire to have another girlfriend, and over time after mistakes were made and miscommunication on both ends, I had a panic attack. I was searching for answers, felt lost and ambushed, and needed to know I wasn't crazy to be feeling how I felt.

It's been just over a year since joining this forum and I'm so glad I did. I have come a LOOOOOONG way from where I was. I myself made discoveries that have centered me, and allowed for a deeper understanding of what poly means for us as a couple and as individuals.

Side note - I believe I have always had poly-leaning tendencies but just never called them that, or thought there was a name for them.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 12-23-2012, 05:18 AM
amk amk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
Side note - I believe I have always had poly-leaning tendencies but just never called them that, or thought there was a name for them.
This concerns me a little; I never seriously considered poly before my wife brought it up. I have been completely content with her and only her. That said, I am working hard to remain open minded and give what she wants (or seems to want) real and honest consideration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Having a foursome (casual sex) is not the best doorway to polyamory (a longer lasting, romantic relationship which could have a sexual component in it.) Could that have turned her off when you said that? Not just because she doesn't want group sex, but because it sounded like it was sex only?
The foursome I suggested are close mutual friends of ours that are married and have been poly in the past and are currently poly-closed (hopefully I got that terminology right! LOL).

My comfort level with poly is a major issue (obviously) and I thought that being with people that I am already comfortable with would help. Perhaps that was a mistake. I thought that since we already know them and have a close relationship with them (they have posed a foursome to us before) that it might be good for me, regardless of what my wife wants.

I guess I feel like if she wants me to feel comfortable with everything, maybe she should make some concession to what would be helpful to me even if it isn't something she is super interested in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What behaviors of hers make insecure feelings well up in you?
Right now, when she talks about specific people she wants to have sex with, it makes me feel insecure for a host of reasons. I have been through a lot in the last year (medically, physically, emotionally, spiritually) and I don't have a lot of "coping mechanism" leftover. I feel like I can't satisfy her needs, so she needs to go elsewhere (that sums it up pretty well).

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Not willing to listen/talk fairly? Anything else?
What behaviors of yours make insecure feelings well up in you? Clinging and looking to her to be your self esteem meter?
She never seems to want to discuss anything I'm interested in. It's nearly always all about her (which is a polar switch to a year ago). After 12 years, it's really destructive to my self-esteem to have my absolute best friend in the world no longer expressing the same compassion, empathy, desire and love (seemingly) as she used to. She has always been a major anchor point for my ego and self-esteem. Also, I am in a very ego driven field where I need to put on a mask regardless of how I actually feel and be professional (police). Now, I feel stripped of that ability and everything is just RAW all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Maybe if you list more out it could help point to areas that need resolution? You sound like you found something of a path.
I am working on a plan to rid myself of the tether from my ego to her view of me through self-reliance and self-discovery. I have often sacrificed or stifled my own desires for that of my family. I think the results of that over the last 12 years are crashing down upon me now. I need to find my own voice, find my own self-esteem... within me. Only then will I be secure in myself and have a better idea of what I can handle in the way of outside partners (hers or mine). To sum it up, I'm still confused, but I have a plan to become a more enlightened, better me. The outcome between she and I doesn't matter as much as me being in a better place to deal with it, whatever it may be.

Thanks all, for listening.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 12-23-2012, 06:33 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 814
Default

I can certainly say that I am very sure that group sex or swinging was NOT what I wanted. If my husband had suggested a foursome as a gateway to poly I would've said no way is that happening, and might have closed down if he didn't seem to see a different alternative. Might as well have asked me to go up on stage and masturbate for a crowd of strangers, a foursome idea is just not something that would be in my comfort zone unless I already had some close friends that I thought might be people I was open to trying it with.

I am not sure how you approached it, perhaps what she heard was "this is only OK if we have a foursome (or you masturbate on stage) first" and it was so alien to her she shut down, perhaps having some of the same feelings you had when she first brought up opening up your relationship. Maybe if you bring it up again with a preface of "I understand this might not be what you want or are interested in, but I want to talk about our feelings about all the aspects of this, and I am open to listening why you don't like my ideas, just like I hope you are open to listening to why I don't like yours, my goal isn't to talk you into anything, but to see if we can find common ground and build from there"

Have you read any any books on poly? Maybe if you get Opening Up and agree to read it together so you have a somewhat objective voice guiding you through these conversations it might be useful. Come on, $14 bucks is cheaper than a counselor!
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 12-23-2012, 07:33 AM
amk amk is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26
Default Compromise?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I am not sure how you approached it, perhaps what she heard was "this is only OK if we have a foursome (or you masturbate on stage) first" and it was so alien to her she shut down, perhaps having some of the same feelings you had when she first brought up opening up your relationship. Maybe if you bring it up again with a preface of "I understand this might not be what you want or are interested in, but I want to talk about our feelings about all the aspects of this, and I am open to listening why you don't like my ideas, just like I hope you are open to listening to why I don't like yours, my goal isn't to talk you into anything, but to see if we can find common ground and build from there"
The way I brought it up was to ask her what it is that she is interested in experiencing with other potential partners. I gave her the space to express her desires, then commented on them by expressing that I wasn't comfortable with that yet. She asked if I had given any thought to what I might be comfortable with. I had thought alot about it. I told her that any seaway into polyamory would be easier for me if she were part of it and I used the example of a foursome.

It really does intrigue me and I was just being honest with her. She shot it down without a thought (or so it seemed) and I was left feeling like I don't have a say in how this works between us. Aren't my desires for experience valid, too?

I wasn't crazy about her having sex with other men, but in the interest of not being a closed-minded partner, I listened and didn't say "no" to anything she broached. I just wish she could have afforded me the same courtesy because now I feel rejected and angry.

Why doesn't my voice matter? Shouldn't this be a partnership where we both decide what works for each other? I feel like she wants me to go along with whatever she wants without compromise or concession to my own desires, concerns or interests. Why doesn't what intrigues me matter?
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 12-23-2012, 07:45 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 814
Default

Hmm, I am going to be honest and say you seem defensive, which you have every right to be, but I'll point out that if you were my partner and reacted like that to me in a discussion or that attitude was coming through in your tone, I'd be put off and closed down.

Of COURSE your voice matters. However, if somebody is put off strongly by a certain experience (my mom was a swinger, I am very put off by the idea of a partner asking me to do that, and would dismiss it out of hand), even if you find it something you'd like, just realize that it's not likely you will get them to want to agree to it. Let's say she specifically asked for a MFM triad, if you KNOW you don't want to be in a MFM triad where you have sex with her boyfriend, I imagine you'd just say "No I don't want that" and not be interested in further discussion?

That's why I suggest the book, and exploring alternatives to what you suggested. It's also why I suggested the phrased response I did, it opens up the conversation again and gives her the opportunity to respond to what you wanted even though she closed down and didn't address it before. Hopefully it gives you both a chance to remember that you're both coming at this discussion from a place of loving each other (or I hope you are) and to not close down or get upset with each other, but to be able to calmly discuss what you and and how you can both compromise to both be OK with the situations...OR at least to realize that you both can't come to common ground and make decisions based on that.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
fears, insecuries, open marriage, polyamorous, wife sleep with other men

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:53 PM.