Miscommunication: How it happened
Chipmunk has Thursday and Friday off this week, It is agreed that She and Airyn will have Thursday, and Airyn and I will have Saturday. Airyn suggests that He and Chipmunk make one of her half days special so he and I can still have Friday. Chipmunk says she may spend some time with her family on Friday. Tuesday is a half day at work for Chipmunk, I tell Airyn that as is per his spreadsheet (He asked me to help him update it) He and Chipmunk really don't need more time on Tuesday. I tell him that if she will spend the majority of Friday out that I'd be ok with giving them some time on Tuesday.
Chipmunk says she'll spend Friday at her mom's place, and Airyn suggests that they go out to eat that day. I say ok, and offer to do my errand earlyish in the morning so they can have a couple hours early in the morning. This is agreed too, and I again update Airyn's spreadsheet.
What I am hearing is that they'll have a couple hours early in the morning, and about an hour or so for lunch. What Airyn is agreeing to is having the entire time Chipmunk is home from work for the two of them. When I'm done updating Airyn's spreadsheet I ask him to look it over. I pointing out where he's out with Chipmunk on Tuesday, and Thursday, and our time on Friday and Saturday. I tell him that this is close to even, and that we should work at sticking to these plans. I also point out that I'm only guess when Chipmunk is being dropped off at her mom's and when she'll be coming home. He tells me it looks good.
I get to work Tuesday morning, and call to let him know I'm here (this is a normal part of our day). While we are on the phone Airyn is telling me about what I hear as a change of plans. Now they are not just going out to lunch they are also going to the Mall, and Half-price books to get gift cards, and Christmas cards for Chipmunk. Knowing Chipmunk's shopping habits it sounds like an all day thing. I remind Airyn that I had planned to run a few errands that morning, and ask if he would rather I wait till Wednesday so they can have the car sooner. He tells me this isn't necessary. I point out that I'll be out at least an hour from 9am to 10am. He say that he and Chipmunk will probably get up while I'm out, and do breakfast and coffee before they will be ready to leave so this will work out just fine.
For me this is a change of plans, but plans are always fluid for Airyn and I get that so I roll with it. I'm expecting to have a moment to talk with him about he and I at least going out for a walk or something on Wednesday.
So Tuesday morning, I head out run my errands, and am back home before 10am as I had promised. They join me in the living room just around 11:30am, and are getting ready to head out for lunch. I remind them on their way out that I'm wanting to get to bed at a reasonable time and that they are picking Wolf up from school (Something that had been at least agreed between myself and Airyn, not sure if he talked with Chipmunk about it or not). I'm just heading into the bedroom to get ready for bed it's right at 3pm and they come home. Airyn and Chipmunk tell me about their afternoon. They didn't run to the mall or half-price books, they spent a long time at the restaurant they picked out, and then walked around and shopped close to the restaurant. Ok sounds like they had a good day. Then Airyn tells me that tomorrow (Wednesday) they are going to run to the mall, and Half-price books to take care of Chipmunk's shopping. Great now they have made plans and are telling me what they are doing, not asking if I want to go, or if it's ok. Just this is what we are doing tomorrow cause we decided not to do it during our time today.
So Airyn and I are arguing over this, but he has to leave to get Wolf, and after he leaves I realize he and I had agreed to two very different plans for Tuesday. He comes home and eventually asks if I'm mad about today (Tuesday) or tomorrow (Wednesday). I tell him I upset about Wednesday, that I have told him multiple times that I was fine with today until I found out that they had made plans for tomorrow. I point out that I figured out we had agreed to the plans for today form very different perspectives. He is telling me that If I'm not OK with something I need to tell him up front. I tell him that if I had known they were going to be gone all day and I wouldn't get the opportunity to have time the next day I would have. He tells me he did say he was taking a half day to spend out with Chipmunk, and I point out that it is my entire day he was talking about. I then tell him that I showed him on his spreadsheet that I had set a couple hours for the morning while I was going to be out, and an hour for lunch, which was what I had agreed to. That he looked it over and agreed also, how then am I supposed to know he means something different.
He's telling me I should ask him to clarify, and Tell him I did. That I asked over the phone when he sprung the plan changes on me at work. I then also pointed out that last week when I tried to get him to clear up what he was planning (With Chipmunk meeting up with her grandmother) that he didn't clear it up till after we had pissed off Chipmunk. And I tell him he still has not been clear. That he expects what we'll drop Chipmunk off at some half way point and she'll be the only one getting out of the vehicle, that no one is going to be getting introduced? He says yeah it'll be just like dropping her off at her moms. Nope we will be meeting up some where. He say probably at a restaurant. Ok that's more clear, and in that case then yeah we can drop her off, she can go in on her own and meet up with her family.
So basically the whole things was a confusion over the times he and I were talking about. Airyn felt that I was saying he could not be spontaneous, that everything had to be planned. I point out that when he told me he was changing his plans that I just rolled with it, and wasn't upset till I was told about them making a shopping trip plan for the two of them that didn't involve me, or consider me. I tell him I get that he's spontaneous, and then I tell him that he could have gotten up early as he had said and had time to check his messages before going out for the day. Then he would have known I wanted to talk with him about Wednesday. He didn't, and All I had the opportunity to talk with him about was him needing to take care of the issue between Chipmunk, and Wolf, and him keeping up with his spreadsheet.
I also told him that I'm not touching it any more. That it does me no good, that if he's putting his plans on there and showing it to me then I can see what he actually mean. That me putting what I understood of his plan on there and showing it to him he did not see it. We have different styles when it comes to this. I get that I'm a numbers and logic person, he's more spur of the moment, nebulous planning type.
I didn't understand that when Airyn was saying "Chipmunk's half day" he was referring to the entire time Chipmunk was home on Tuesday. I understood him to mean it was the day she only works half a day. And he completely missed what I was showing him on his own spreadsheet. He also explained after we calmed down that the "planned" shopping trip was going to be quick, go to the store Chipmunk was buying holiday cards and get out. That it wouldn't be like her normal shopping in the mall of several hours. He admits that he messed up in not paying attention to the times we agreed to via his spreadsheet, and that he should have been more clear in what he was talking about for the shopping trip. He also says I cshould have just asked them how long they were refering to. I accept that I could have asked this, and told him it didn't occur to me as he had pointed out last Saturday that any time we run errands with Chipmunk it takes 2-4 hours.
So now he'll be updating the spreadsheet himself or it won't happen at all. And when they are making plans I'll have to get him to explain how long he is talking about. He also tells me that no matter how he explains what plans are being made I always have the option to tell him what I am interested in doing. Saying, "wait a min, I'd rather do . . . " I told him that I'd try, that the way they expressed their plans really felt like I was being told what was planned, and not being given the option to state what my opinion was.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
|age difference, ffm, fmf, third partner, triad fallout, triads|