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  #1551  
Old 12-19-2012, 10:46 PM
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Change is always hard because it leads to the unknown. Maybe rather looking forward into the unknown ahead of you, you may want to look back at other scary changes and how those worked out in the end. It sucks that you have to go through it to come out the other side though. <3
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  #1552  
Old 12-19-2012, 11:13 PM
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I feel you, lady. I've had a bunch of lovers since my gf and I got together (though not in the last year and a half, aside from my bf), and now that she finally has someone new in her life I'm constantly having to beat back feelings of "But why don't you love me anymore???" and I feel dumb about it. It's a natural human thing, I think. Ask for reassurance from your partners, take care of yourself, and find productive things to focus on. Only time will show you whether or not you ever had anything to worry about, but from here it seems like you're very well loved and like things really will be ok.
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  #1553  
Old 12-19-2012, 11:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
These and other words in your post have me thinking that you're judging yourself for having these thought-feelings which you don't think you should be having....

Try being compassionate toward yourself in this, accepting that this is indeed what you're feeling and that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Be curious about the thought-feelings rather than holding yourself in contempt about it.

This will allow you to become more intimate with yourself and will open up possibilities of insight and healing.

Also, allow trusted other/s to help you to "process" this stuff. When you're ready and it feels okay to do so.
What River said!

Hugs!
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  #1554  
Old 12-20-2012, 05:21 AM
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Thanks all. I am greatly appreciating the support.

It bothers me that there are some of the people in our lives that have said I have no right to have the feelings I do. That I am a hypocrite and that I should understand what it feels like to have other loves so why can't I get myself together and just let it go. Its brought up some shame for me. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, do they not think I would of at this point? I have to go through my emotions and pick them apart until there is nothing left to gnaw on. I think that is the only way I can see to be able to get to a place of peace.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-20-2012 at 05:24 AM.
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  #1555  
Old 12-20-2012, 06:46 AM
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Do these people who are giving you a hard time know that this is happening in the context of Mono pursuing his new relationship in a way that most poly people (or so it seems to me from my reading here, at least) wouldn't find ethically acceptable? I mean, it seems like that must be having an impact on your ability to be cool with things. You dont have the option to meet her, come to trust her, the stuff that normally a poly person suffering new-metamour-jitters could do to reassure themselves.
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  #1556  
Old 12-20-2012, 07:33 AM
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Well I'm not exactly sure. There is only one that I know of and the rest are who Mono has been talking to (he has talked to the women he is curious about and his female friend too). I don't know what they know other than what I mentioned.

I don't think the way in which Mono wishes to conduct his relationships comes into play when all that they see (assuming, based on my conversations with non-poly people and some stuff he's said) is my sitting here whining about my needs and boundaries when I have several other people to call upon to fill them. The understanding is not there when none of the people he spends time with, talking to, are poly as far as I know or know us at all as a family.

Most people he tells about our dynamic seem to want to know why he doesn't have someone else and why PN doesn't. It seems there is some belief that I am not letting them. I can't do much about that assumption.

From what I understand this has effected Mono's image of himself and part of this began with his need to be free enough to blow them off by saying he could have the same. Thing is that need for freedom seems to of lead to adding to that he wants to have a completely separate life, coming in and out of mine as he chooses when he wants to be near family. Hiding portions of his life from me. It would make him look more presentable to others if he was completely a free spirit with no ties to us other than what HE wants. He could then look better in their eyes perhaps and not have to feel anything negative when they say I am the center of the universe around here and I should suck it up as I am being hypocritical. I think he thinks he has no control and looks wimpy or something. That is for him to talk about though.

I don't want to put words in Mono's mouth. I have been trying not to. I have been trying to speak from where I am so please take anything I say as from that perspective. I can only guess from what he has said. I am not an authority and really unless he says it here himself I would like it if what I say can be considered my interpretation of his words.
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  #1557  
Old 12-20-2012, 01:33 PM
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I would advise to stop talking about your feelings with people who are judgemental about them. I am sure it is doing much more harm than good.

*hugs*
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  #1558  
Old 12-20-2012, 06:51 PM
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The issue isn't that Mono wants to add people to his life, it's how your relationship is changing. These outside people only see it through their glass window as they look in. They don't see (or don't care) how the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you is shifting and causing fears and insecurities to rise to the surface. This is new and unexplored territory for the two of you and there are so many twists and turns that with just a few missteps, things can go catastrophically wrong. Of course you are going to be terrified and unsettled.

How many people freak out and see all the things that can go wrong, when their military spouse is deployed for the first time (or the first time in their relationship)? This is really no different.
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  #1559  
Old 12-21-2012, 06:11 AM
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Thank goodness this Christmas will be a quiet one this year. I need a break and some peace. Silence will be welcomed... oh ya, I live with three boys and video games are coming in from Santa. Likely not to be quiet around here.

We are all hunkering down at home this year on our own. Just the four of us. Derby leaves tomorrow with her husband and the kids to go to her home town to visit. Brad is spending time at home with his family. I will make Christmas treats with him tomorrow night and he and his boy are coming over Christmas Eve to spend some time with me and exchange gifts. We are spending time with PN's mum on Christmas day and time with my parents at the island home on Boxing day for a couple of nights. Mono, LB and I will go up. This weekend PN is taking LB to visit his dad on another island and Mono and I will have the day together. We have several parties to go to together this weekend also. PN is keeping it low key and not going out much. I will be spending a lot of social time with Mono it seems. Such as it usually goes for us.

I am looking forward to Solstice tomorrow morning as it is a time when I clear my thoughts and mind and think about the year ahead. As is the tradition I go and take a coffee down to the ocean and watch the sun rise.
Its a clear night, perhaps that means a clear dawn.

In the past years Mono has been with me. Most of the time LB is too and sometimes PN. Sometimes my parents have come too. This year it looks like Mono, LB and I will be there.

It seems significant this year for some reason. Maybe because of the hype of the Mayan calender ending, maybe due to the struggles I have been having of late... maybe there really is a shift about to occur for me and my life. If there is I wish for it to mean that everyone is satisfied with the result of that shift. I wish for everyone to not be harmed and only to be helped in their life.
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  #1560  
Old 12-25-2012, 02:50 AM
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I had a wonderful Solstice. I felt as if there was a shift. We stood and watched to sun come up on a mild morning. I felt grounded and in my body.

I'm holding on to that as best I can now in light of recent information and consequent continuation of fear, disappointment, sadness, lack of control over a decision due to lack of information.

I am wondering how long my other partners can hold out on my inability to not be able to move right now. I am unable to be with anyone but myself for the most part and its slowly taking its toll. Its much easier to go through stuff alone I think. Having partners means support, but also some responsibility to them in terms of working on our stuff together also. I don't seem to be able to do that right now.

More to come. Things are all too new and still in process. I wouldn't know where to start right now.
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