Redpepper's journey

[redpepper]

Thanks for your words nycindie.

Yes, he has said that before this year. He has said that this year even. However, he has also encouraged me to pursue my relationship with Brad from the get go saying he understands now due to his having fallen in love with another himself. He gets it and doesn't want to stop me from what my hearts nature is as he thinks his might be similar and he wants to explore that. I'm confused about it all, for sure.

Thing is that he doesn't want to communicate about it and hasn't been. I think he thinks he shouldn't have to. He wants it to be his own thing and for me to never know who he is involved with or ever meet them. That he shouldn't have to let me in on his feelings at all. We differ in this way. I talk about everything.

I am concerned that when he goes out on his own without me knowing and when he has been doing this, that he is actually going to move his love away from me and I will just be family to him. His home base where he belongs, yet not someone who is passionate and in love with any more.

I realize that love changes and mellows with years, but we have always been very close and passionate. For me that has not changed and for him it has when he has had his thoughts of others. I am concerned that a divide such as the one he is asking for will mean a split rather than achieve what he wants which leads me to believe that we are actually done. I wait for some input from him.

Yes, I wanted and enjoyed his monogamous nature. I grew to trust it eventually and now I don't trust anything. To his credit he managed to say something before getting into his thoughts so much that I lost him forever.

I am wondering now if he actually thought he couldn't ask for me to not pursue others. I would not of started anything with Brad had I known what was going on for him back then. I met Brad before I knew he had a crush. I was encouraged to go out and meet people. To go and find a distraction. I didn't expect to find another bf. I didn't know anything except his encouragement and friendliness to Brad. He likes him, was happy for me and on the surface seemed to be okay with it all.

He was having trouble being close to me and explained to me that it was just his retirement worries that made him distant. I knew nothing of anything else until he told me in June (his love for his friend started in Jan when I was dumped and he needed some fun) some of his feelings about one person. He thought, and told me, that it was likely just a one shot deal with her. That I should carry on with Brad as he's a good guy and he likes him and wanted him around.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

but I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get 2 more bfs, and he has drawn away as he said he would. Your style of doing polyamory is not his... he's off doing his own thing... He lost the feeling of specialness he had, I think. His RP having 5 lovers was too much for him to handle.

I could be totally off base. Just my outsider's perspective.

I am sorry he won't communicate and make a new agreement, or a clean break. You're in limbo and that is a terrible place to be.

I have avoided commenting for the most part. Because I felt that it was better for me to remain uninvolved in the conversation-in case either of you needed a safe place to talk-and contacted me as I have both of you in the past.

But-having seen this brought up:
It was the first thing that crossed my mind as well.
I did see where he had said things changed-but even whilst he was promoting your pursuit of Brad-my impression was that it a "I can't change her-this is hte path of pursuit she desires even having been told the consequences-therefore I will promote her doing it and go on with life."

I COULD BE WRONG. I never spoke with Mono directly about any of it.
It was just my personal impression.

But-I do think it's worth a heart-to-heart discussion between you. Maybe it's true and even he isn't looking at it.
Or
Maybe we're all offbase.

Or maybe we're all off base and if you talk about it you two will clarify what it is and that will help.

I don't know.

But-I'm sending lots of hugs to all of you as always!

[redpepper]

Thanks LR. Yes it could be the case. I have asked several times since meeting Brad and he has said otherwise but maybe I just haven't been looking at other cues. Maybe I should be considering simplifying my life more.

[redpepper]

I really don't know what to post that isn't more of the same really. We got back from our trip, Mono and I, we had a great time and I understand a lot more of who Mono is now having met his family and friends and having seen places where his stories took place. We connected to each other again as much as is possible under the circumstance and now that we are back, I wait, and try not to have a break down. End of story. At some point I have to figure out how to open this conversation up again. Find the courage.

[LovingRadiance]

Hugs.
I wish one of us had the perfect answer.

Sorry you are struggling!

[redpepper]

Trying to feel my feet, live through my heart and consult my brain these days. My life is separating from others I fear. Darned abandonment issues. I realize its stupidity on my part, but I am immersed in it just the same.

Mono is going to spend time with his female friend and develop a friendship with her. He has decided she is worth the effort it would take with me to work on a friendship with her. All others are put on hold until such time as he feels like doing the work towards something more than looking and being curious. PN is talking about one of his female friends and is considering consulting her about something more. No one wants to end our family life and no one is leaving yet I am FREAKING the fuck out! I'm losing my mind with fear.

Please don't judge me. Something is wrong with me and I can't figure out how to cope with it or fix it. I hear people saying I am being hypocritical and that I have several loves so why shouldn't others, but that doesn't mean I am not emotionally moved by change and the process of incorporating others into our life through others. The threat is huge still, regardless. That change and what it means is still hard to adjust to. It makes me want to run, end everything, break up with everyone and live like a hermit. How cowardly that would be.

[River]

It's gonna be okay, Red.

The important thing is to make space for all of the feelings/thoughts/fears... to emerge fully into awareness, but from within a space of self-acceptance and self-gentleness and self-warmth.... Welcome the feeling-thoughts in an atmosphere of trust in the process. It'll be fine.

[redpepper]

Thanks River

[River]

[River]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I realize its stupidity on my part, but I am immersed in it just the same.

These and other words in your post have me thinking that you're judging yourself for having these thought-feelings which you don't think you should be having....

Try being compassionate toward yourself in this, accepting that this is indeed what you're feeling and that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Be curious about the thought-feelings rather than holding yourself in contempt about it.

This will allow you to become more intimate with yourself and will open up possibilities of insight and healing.

Also, allow trusted other/s to help you to "process" this stuff. When you're ready and it feels okay to do so.