Life is complicated. So much more now than a few days ago...

[Lost421]

Yeah, I know how delicate a situation this is and I don't want to wreck it by taking things too quickly, or by just being a rebound for her. We've been friends for almost three years and I don't want to lose that with her and I don't want to screw up her friendship with my wife. I genuinely care about her and I want her in my life, I can't deny that. I really don't want to screw this up by being impatient.

The last couple of times we've talked she sounds more intent on leaving him and my wife and I have offered our home as a place where she can take some time to get back on her feet, and she seems more intent on coming here. She still wants to tell me about her feelings for me when we talk, and I've been trying to tell her we can take things as slow as she needs to. I've taken some of the advice offered, I'm focused on being her friend for now, I've put a lot of my feelings of affection for her on the backburner. I'm worried she's not going to wait for the right time because she wants to feel good about something in her life, and that it's going to mess things up. I can see how it will mess things up if that happens; she needs to take the time to regain her emotional equilibrium so that she can come at how she feels about me from a good emotional space instead of out of some need to feel good about something in her life (which is what I think might be happening).

It's a difficult situation; she's planning on coming here when she leaves her husband for good, it's closer to her family and far enough away from him for her to feel safe. I am worried that when she gets here though that she's going to want to jump right into a relationship with me. At first I wanted the same thing but from all the advice I'm getting I realize that's a bad approach to take. Now I want her to take some time to sort through her feelings to see if she really wants what she says she wants, because I don't want it to blow up in our faces. She doesn't really have anyone else to help her out with a place to stay, so we can't really just tell her she has to find somewhere else to go when she leaves him, but if she's here all the time I'm worried something is going to happen before it should happen.

[GalaGirl]

She still wants to tell me about her feelings for me when we talk, and I've been trying to tell her we can take things as slow as she needs to.

Tell her this has to stop if she's going to live with you. You are NOT interested in her at this time. Not when she's smack in the middle of a divorce and leaving crazy abuser man. The last thing YOU need is to be the new dating partner in her life, and have abuser man come hunting her down, you down and your other partner to boot! SAFETY first.

If she cannot get that crush of hers under control, withdraw the offer to open your home to her. I am not joking. The leaving time is a dangerous time and the abuser doesn't have to limit his abuses to her. It can move on to YOU.

but if she's here all the time I'm worried something is going to happen before it should happen.

Like what? She makes a move and you maintain strong boundaries and could say something like:

"I like you, you are a good friend. But at this is just not appropriate at this time. You are fragile. Sort out healing from all this break up stuff and get yourself stable first and settled into your own flat and into your new life. I am not interested in being a rebound person or any of us new roomies adding complexities and weird at an already fragile time. Let's keep it in the friend bucket. Thank you for the compliment though. It's flattering. But let's let it go and do not share this with me any more."

Then stay silent about your own romantic interest. Give it a year or so. You can always approach her later once things are STABLE in her life and she is NOT your roomie if the magic is still there for you. Then you can see if she's still willing from a stable place and not from a fragile "cling to whoever" rebound place.

YOU can control your OWN behavior even if she starts coloring outside the lines with hers. And if you are not able to or worried you cannot?

Take back the invite to live in your home then. Help her in other ways instead -- like money or helping moving to a flat, or pointing her to the local resources for women's shelters and domestic violence. If anything, the www.speakoutloud.net website.

Try to be chivalrous here... and be SAFE.

Galagirl

[Lost421]

This is all good advice, thank you. My plan is to continue to be her friend for the time being, and definitely while she's living with us, but I'm not sure how she's going to feel about that. I guess I'll just have to hope for the best...