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  #21  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:56 PM
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"said basically", was my way of saying, I implied that in their minds. If I had spoken that sentence/explanation to you, it would have come across perfectly. So don't worry about mistaking it for what I factually said, that's just the internet talking. I never ever said something so lude or direct. I only lightly made a suggestion in the midst of smiles and drinks one night at a party. It went over very well, and was not awkward.
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  #22  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:57 PM
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I enjoy the analysis and all, but are we getting to my original question at all, about feeling like a tool?
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  #23  
Old 12-18-2012, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying it came about the other way? You told a man she crushes on that you are cool with him having a casual sex or poly relationship with her without her blessing or knowing you were going to do that? She didn't initiate first contact?
Not sure if I ever clarified this. But no, they had been flirtatious and making advances towards each other long before I even learned from her (my SO) that she was interested in him. That was a source of surprise for me, I was taken aback, but the fact that she found the time to divulge everything showed me I can trust her, as opposed to springing more on me. I am not the jealous type, but I do like my world to be real and known, no hiding things. It's not necessary. I am already an open accepting person. Anyway, I digress... I never told the guy such direct information, but the implication was completely known, and no, it wasn't before she told me she wanted him, nor was it before she spoke to him that it could happen. And he had in fact asked her to come meet her after work at his place a couple of times, all before I went and verified with him that she told him that (at the party where I lightly suggested the verify).
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
I enjoy the analysis and all, but are we getting to my original question at all, about feeling like a tool?
Here's your original post. I took liberty of trimming out details to get to the actual question bits:

Quote:
I told him and my SO, that they can play with each other sometime.
Quote:
The response I got back from the dude, was somehow condescending or something. I'm having trouble fully processing it. But I felt like a tool, in that moment.
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That is how I processed it. Wonder what everyone else's thoughts are?
I have given you my thoughts on the situation.

GENERAL:
I stated that I do not think poly people are "tools" just because they are poly.

SPECIFIC:

I am not him. I do not know if he actually thinks you are a tool. I can see you FELT like he thought you were a tool and this hurts you. I am sorry it hurt you.

I have pointed out places in your communication style where you could change it next time. So you are not leaving room where you could be misperceived as a tool or a cuckhold and then you don't have to feel like a tool as a result of weak communication.

What other question is there? What else do you need feedback on?

The only other place I see where change could happen is you becoming more direct with stating your preferences. That means changing you "hands off" method of EXPRESSION. Not the "hands off I do not micromanage you" policy. But how you talk to her about him (or other potentials.)
"I've already told her her my opinion of him. That he's a lowlife who owns pawnshops, is charming and cute, is young and probably immature, and if she wants to play with that, go ahead."
is a different thing than

"You are free to choose who you want to be with. But me? I do not like him and I do not have a great opinion of him. I would prefer you not get mixed up with him."
Both ways she is free to pursue what she wants. Both ways you are not micromanaging her. But if the first method of expressing yourself to her is not feeding you, try the other way. See if that way of expressing yourself serves you better.

Maybe you would feel less of a tool or less like you are getting used or "just along for the ride" if you KNOW FOR SURE you preferences have been articulated and taken on board before decisions are made. She may still choose to date him, as she is free to.

But your preferences being known for SURE (vs being implied) could matter in your comfort.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 07:27 PM.
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  #25  
Old 12-18-2012, 06:47 PM
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I gave my situation as an anecdote, to the concept that Polys are Tools. I would like to discuss that logic more. My personal situation is probably best discussed in my blog. I want to explore here: "Are Polys' Tools? Why or Why Not?"
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  #26  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Gotcha.

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  #27  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:22 PM
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That said GG, I just wish I had more time to discuss with you today, but I'm working hard on some music. I want to respond, point by point, and have a rich thorough discussion. Don't ever get me wrong. I love that. But I don't have the time to be patient in going down that line, today. But I am still very curious about proving or dispelling the myth of POLYS ARE TOOLS because they allow each other to be ignorantly used(or abused) for other's pleasure. And by ignorance, I'm talking about how even with 1000 poly beliefs someone might still be missing that aspect of themselves, that they are being taken advantage of.
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  #28  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:29 PM
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If the polytool = cuckold then yes. But we have to separate the factual with the fetish. I guess in either case the tools are ok with it and in the case of the fetish they likes it... and are turned on by it.

However I think it is really player specific. I don't think a broad general statement would work but look around how many tools do you see
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  #29  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:54 PM
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Well, inviting someone to have sex with your partner without any emotional or loving connection is treating her like a tool, I think, and that's just being open, not polyamorous. No wonder he answered the way he did - the way you presented it, he was basically handed an opportunity to "play with" a "toy" or object rather than develop a relationship with a person (yeah, lucky girl she is ). I guess, if you view her as your property to grant permission for others to use, to give away or not, then maybe you could consider yourself a tool.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-18-2012 at 08:56 PM.
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  #30  
Old 12-18-2012, 09:09 PM
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Furthermore, the OP has no business suggesting that "polys are tools" because most of the "polys" I have seen on this forum and/or have met in real life do not relate to others the way the OP describes in this thread.

THe REAL question(s) should be "Is the OP a tool" and "How many tools can you fit in a box".
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