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  #11  
Old 12-18-2012, 07:09 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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maybe you would feel less like a tool if the situation was more about her, instead of about you... what I mean is, why would you be the one telling the guy he can play with her?
If she likes him, and wants to pursue something with him, she can ask you if you're ok with that. And you say sure honey, within boundaries such and such (and that could be anything from 'don't go to our favorite restaurant with him' to certain safer sex rules).
And then she tells the guy: I'm interested in you, and as you know I have a SO, but we're in an open / poly relationship so that's ok, and he's ok with it.

In the situation you describe it's more like you are giving him permission, and he takes it, and I could see how that could make you feel like he's taking advantage.
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  #12  
Old 12-18-2012, 07:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
maybe you would feel less like a tool if the situation was more about her, instead of about you... what I mean is, why would you be the one telling the guy he can play with her?
If she likes him, and wants to pursue something with him, she can ask you if you're ok with that. And you say sure honey, within boundaries such and such (and that could be anything from 'don't go to our favorite restaurant with him' to certain safer sex rules).
And then she tells the guy: I'm interested in you, and as you know I have a SO, but we're in an open / poly relationship so that's ok, and he's ok with it.

In the situation you describe it's more like you are giving him permission, and he takes it, and I could see how that could make you feel like he's taking advantage.
Ok, I guess I just got used to the girls around here not believing I was in an open relationship and me always having to have them talk to my SO so she could explain. So I thought it made sense to let the guy know, that my SO isn't lying, I am in fact ok with it.
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  #13  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:22 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So I thought it made sense to let the guy know, that my SO isn't lying, I am in fact ok with it.
It does make sense for you to verify to him AFTER she sets that up with him. Just like YOU have set it up before when you are the dating person.

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me always having to have them talk to my SO so she could explain.
SHE has him talk to YOU so you can explain. She makes first contact and refers him to you for the verify. That's why I stated previously that I assume this came about that way in that order.

Are you saying it came about the other way? You told a man she crushes on that you are cool with him having a casual sex or poly relationship with her without her blessing or knowing you were going to do that? She didn't initiate first contact?

Could you clarify that please? How exactly did this conversation with him come about?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 08:37 AM.
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  #14  
Old 12-18-2012, 03:27 PM
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Alright...Well this is a guy that I met and became friends with while I was out at a convenience store with my SO. He seemed like a cool guy, new to the island, and a good guy to strike a friendship with. We hit it off right away, and my SO only slowly became his friend because she is a more shy person. As time progressed, and friendship progressed, and we mixed up with the guy at different social occasions, my SO finally said to me that she'd love to have sex with the guy. I gave her my blessing to play around with the guy (kiss, sex, whatever), and everytime she came back telling me how peacefully the dates went (it could be just meeting when he was exhausted after work, or bad timing), but that there seemed to be a hurdle. But I know the guy is a strapping young lad, a real ladies man and beyond, and that maybe he was just respecting that she is my GF and he and I are friends and didn't want to be an ass, no matter what she told him or what advances she made. Not that he's a gentlemen, he owns and operates successful pawnshops around the Caribbean, so he's used to street life/smarts more than your average gentlemen. So anyway, my SO told me she had told him that I give them my blessing to have fun, but my SO told me that he likes a girl who is more of a girlfriend material, and he likes to pursue the girl, he doesn't like easy girls. Anyway, after that we were out at a party and he was there, and he came over to our table and we invited him to sit down and have some drinks with us. At that time, I said "Did [my SO] tell you I'm ok with the two of you having fun?" And his response was cool, smiling "yes she did, yes she did, very nice." But I think when I just said basically "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on" it kind of took the wind out of his sail. We've met many times since, and my SO and I pay him visits at work to shoot the shit and stuff. The other night she went out with him. She said they didn't even kiss. So I don't know what's up with the guy. But it was the second time I mentioned the freedom, that he made me think I was being a tool.

There are missing elements to this story, I can't write the whole book here But suffice to say that should answer your question, or at least give you the texture of things.
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  #15  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:05 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Do you think included in his response was the vibe that he would never reciprocate in a similar situation.....ala TOOL
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  #16  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I am disturbed. What do you mean you don't know what's up with the guy? He's told her.
  • You and GF have told him you are Open, and she is free to pursue a casual sex relationship with whom she pleases
  • He had told GF he prefers someone who is more girlfriend material, he prefers to do the chasing, and he's not into casual sex.

You sound amazed that he prefers this. He's got the right to prefer what he prefers in his own relationships.

As for HOW you communicate that you are in an Open Relationship? Dude, you said that like THAT?

She arranges a meeting for you to verify to him that you are indeed in an open relationship:

You: "Did [my SO] tell you I'm ok with the two of you having fun?"
Him: "yes she did, yes she did, very nice."
You: "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on"
Him: "yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure."
And now you are worried he could think that you are a tool? You are worried about your own emotional well being? Why aren't you more worried about how your speech could lead to hurt for your GF? Her physical well being?

Let's say this one is a decent man who would not hurt her. Fine. Worst that happens is that he thinks you are a tool and she's a flibbertygibbet. No skin off your nose -- not everyone is up for Open relationships or gets them -- swinging, polyamorous, or otherwise.

What if next time she crushes on someone it's a weirdo? What if he's some creeper/stalker/rapist? And you talk to him like that. How has YOUR talking style INCREASED her personal safety when she's with the next crush dude ALONE on a date? Or has your speech DECREASED it?

Could you see how talking like could put her in harm's way?

You have practically held the door wide open for weirdo to foist unwanted attentions on her. And she “ought” to be ok with it because hey, she has a crush and likes him right? And she's into casual sex right, so there's nothing wrong with weirdo sexing her up, right?

Ack!

You could take more care in your words. Something more like

“My GF and I are in an Open relationship. We are both free to date others and let it grow to wherever it may lead. For the record – my being ok with her having the freedom to develop other relationships is NOT me being ok to her getting hurt intentionally or thoughtlessly. Catch my drift? I expect you to treat her with respect should you and she decide to develop something.”
I hope this guy isn't a creeper. Sigh.

I'd suggest not worrying about this guy any more and considering revising your communication style for how you let other people know you are in an open relationship instead.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 05:50 PM.
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  #17  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Do you think included in his response was the vibe that he would never reciprocate in a similar situation.....ala TOOL
No
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  #18  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:48 PM
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PolyPhonic PolyPhonic is offline
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GalaGirl, you took something out of context, and I think got inflamed over it. I never said "take off your clothes". Go back and re-read that please.
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  #19  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Galgirl, you took something out of context, and I think got inflamed over it. I never said "take off your clothes". Go back and re-read that please.
Ok.

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And his response was cool, smiling "yes she did, yes she did, very nice." But I think when I just said basically "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on" it kind of took the wind out of his sail.
???

I am not inflamed. I am disturbed. As in bothered by your communication style in this example -- if those are indeed the actual words that were used.

When all I have is what I read, and that is what I'm reading? It doesn't sound flattering to you, dude. There's room for improvement.

All I'm saying in my feedback to you is that your communication style sounds off. Not as clear as it could be. And you could take better care with your words to minimize it being misinterpreted by less than ethical people. Not just because you could be thought of as a "tool" if you do not find ways to express yourself better. But because it could have bigger ramifications than just that and have bigger effect on persons beyond just you. It could affect her. So you could be aware of that.

I don't think telling a potential metamour that I expect them to treat my partner with respect is "policing" them. It's stating my expectation out in front, and I prefer to do that.

You could choose how you want to form your new method of expressing "we are in an open relationship" to other potential dating partners. I was just giving an example from my own filter of preferences.

Hope the feedback is helpful. GL!

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 06:11 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-18-2012, 05:53 PM
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PolyPhonic PolyPhonic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'd suggest not worrying about this guy any more and considering revising your communication style for how you let other people know you are in an open relationship.
Galagirl
Yeah good thoughts.

I take a hands off approach. Openness comes with independence. I am not supposed to be watching her, taking care of her, being responsible for her. I don't need to be policing it. That is not letting someone have their freedom. "Yeah, you guys can have fun, but no horse play, be back by 2am, and if you hurt her feelings or physically, I will make sure you pay for it." Ok, yeah, I really want my SO telling my other GFs that, yeah sure. That's not an open trusting relationship.

I've already told her her my opinion of him. That he's a lowlife who owns pawnshops, is charming and cute, is young and probably immature, and if she wants to play with that, go ahead.
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