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Old 12-18-2012, 04:55 AM
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Unhappy Scary Thought - Are Polys Tools?

I had the scary thought today, that maybe a poly person who permits their partner to enjoy relations with other(s), is really just a tool, and vice-versa.

from the Urban Dictionary:
"Tool" - One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used. A fool. A cretin. Characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.

I say this, because of the reaction I got back from a casual guy-friend when I told him and my SO, that they can play with each other sometime. He is a very handsome guy, even looks a little like Tom Cruise. Anyway, he kind of smiled, like "yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure." It made me feel like a tool. And I can't seem to rationalize my way out of that now. On the one hand I am employing compersion, because my SO is enamored by the guy, and so I said "so go have fun." But on the other hand, the response I got back from the dude, was somehow condescending or something. I'm having trouble fully processing it. But I felt like a tool, in that moment. The guy is so handsome and cute looking, charming, and Alpha all at the same time, that he obviously has had the life-relationship experiences to know every angle there is. And when this came up, he didn't miss a beat, to seemingly know exactly what was going on. That I am a tool. That is how I processed it. Wonder what everyone else's thoughts are?
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:03 AM
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Quote:
that they can play with each other sometime
Does that mean casual sex? Could it be you just are not actually casual about sex and don't like this guy implying that your beloved is just for casual sex use?

Quote:
On the one hand I am employing compersion, because my SO is enamored by the guy, and so I said "so go have fun."
It is not compersive to do things you are not actually happy with/willing to go along with. Are you actually good with your partner pursuing this Mr Crush guy for a casual sex relationship? Friends who share sex? Or just saying so because your partner wants to pursue Mr Crush guy? Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?

Quote:
I had the scary thought today, that maybe a poly person who permits their partner to enjoy relations with other(s), is really just a tool, and vice-versa.
I don't think poly people are "a tool" just because they are open to loving more than one at a time and building their relationships in that manner. But that doesn't mean there aren't people out there in the world more than happy to take advantage of that. That also doesn't mean that there aren't people in the world who have less than respectful communication skills.

I asssume your partner arranged this communication opportunity so that you could let Mr Crush know your partner is not a cheater person. I assume you aren't just telling random people you are ok if they have casual sex with your partner without your partner knowing you are doing that!

Perhaps you would have preferred to hear something more along the lines of "Thank you for that generous willingness and letting me know up front how you feel about my developing a relationship with her" (implied: appreciating you and you partner) rather than ""yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure." (implied: take advantage of your partner and take advantage of you too.)"

Is your partner a person or a thing? Is she a bike?

"Yeah, it's ok with me if you want to ride my bike."
"yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure."
Is it Mr Crush treating your partner like a thing, and that is the bottom line of what bugs you here? You could tell Mr Crush how you prefer to be communicated with. Could also take back the willingness before this develops further. Give you and her time to assess this potential Mr Crush person better. Could tell her

"Changed my mind! Hang on, horsie! He doesn't talk about you (my partner) with respect. I would not be ok with my beloved being with a disrespectful person! Need the clarify here!"
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 06:15 AM.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:13 AM
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Whew, that's a lot to think about, and I'm glad you chimed in. ... I'm going to re-read, haha
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:17 AM
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Just right off the top of my head, I hadn't anticipated being generous to people who would only be taking the generosity if it was by taking advantage of it. I think that's what it's really about. It's like someone who says, here you go everyone who needs money, here's one million dollars to help you out! And a Harvard MBA catches all the money, and says, cool, I'm going to go get a Hummer and put a downpayment down on a home in the Hamptons. As a generous person, you want your generosity to go towards those in need. Can you imagine a buddhist monk, saying, "anyone is welcome to come and enjoy our Tibet", only to have China come and plough down the mountains and make a Disneyland China themepark? How do you think the selfless monk would feel about his actions in that case?

P.S. Just for clarity, I'm a guy, and my SO is a chick, because maybe I think I saw some of that switched around in your posting.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:09 AM
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Quote:
P.S. Just for clarity, I'm a guy, and my SO is a chick, because maybe I think I saw some of that switched around in your posting.
Sorry, I think we are both online at the same time. I was already going back to fix typos and things. (My hands aren't always happy joint hands and it hurts to bend fingers.) I think I get the general thrust of what you are trying to say with your generosity examples, but your partner is not a THING. She is not land, she is not money. She is a person.

You could try give better examples generous, kind, loving treatment of other people, rather than examples of generous distribution/use of THINGS. That would be a better match to the situation.

Quote:
As a generous person, you want your generosity to go towards those in need.
  • HE is not in NEED of relationship with your partner.
  • SHE is not in NEED of relationship with him. Though she may WANT to be in relationship with him because she's got a crush on Mr Crush guy.

Neither will die if this relationship does not come to pass. It is WANT, not need.
  • Your willingness to be be in an Open relationship model with her while she pursues other casual sex FWB people?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues polyship with others?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues BOTH polyships and FWB with others?

That is you being generous toward HER and you. That is wonderful of you to share and gift to her and yourself.

But sharing that open model relationship together is a WANT that you both share willingly at this time. (I would hope!) It is not a NEED.

Compersion is a feeling. You do not EMPLOY it. You just feel it. It is you feeling pleasure and feeling happy when she is feeling pleasure and feeling happiness in another's company.

It is NOT you compromising yourself because she wants to have a thing with Mr Crush. Be clear on your willingness -- both to her and to yourself.

Then you couldn't worry about being a "tool" because you did not put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of unwillingly. Neither she or he could be trespassing on your generous spirit. You only offer what you are actually willing to offer, and when you offer it, you are aware of the risks. But you go there because this you choose to do for yourself and are willing to take the risks.

I am tired. I probably am not making sense. Know I'm not trying to nitpick, ok? I'm just concerned you were uncertain in your willingness because you said had to "employ compersion." Sounds too much like you talking yourself into something you really do not want to do or have.
Quote:
I hadn't anticipated being generous to people who would only be taking the generosity if it was by taking advantage of it. I think that's what it's really about.
But yes, there are people who when given an inch, want to take a mile and are not especially respectful of people or of boundaries in relationships.

You could get the clarify -- ask him to explain his choice of wording there.

If he meant it like a joke because he was taken aback, that is one thing. Then you could tell him you prefer he not joke about your partner and you prefer he talk about her like a gentleman.

If he's a creep, that's another thing.

Either way could tell your partner -- "Hold on horsie! Need more info here on his respectfulness and trustworthiness before this goes further with him! Also need time to reassess my own willing on casual sex FWB!"

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 06:47 AM.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:34 AM
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The permissions are about boundaries of respect, it's not about whether or not she's a thing or not. It's about what I'm comfortable with her doing. If she didn't respect what I'm comfortable with, we'd be strangers passing in the night, every moment of our lives.

Oh wow, your response changed dramatically. Ok, rereading the new edit now...
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is not compersive to do things you are not actually happy with/willing to go along with. Are you actually good with your partner pursuing this Mr Crush guy for a casual sex relationship? Friends who share sex? Or just saying so because your partner wants to pursue Mr Crush guy? Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?
Eesh, we're really drilling down into details here just to double check if I meant what I said? Yes, when I say compersion I mean it. I would be happy if she enjoyed herself. It makes me happy for her to enjoy her life, her fantasies, her wants, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone, than I'm happy to see her enjoy the fruits of our open relationship.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:42 AM
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Eesh, we're really drilling down into details here just to double check if I meant what I said?
Yes. I try not to assume. Esp with online conversation, and esp when I'm tired.

So much of communication is in the paraverbal. I'll stop now, since I think I got it down as best I can at this time. Then we also avoid "crossing" posts.

Hope you get things sorted out.

GL!
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:45 AM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?
I don't think this is a very sound question when you apply reverse logic to it. Of course, no one enjoys having their partner more when their partner is having sex with the entire nation compared to when they are just with you. It's not a question of what I want. It's a question of what I'm comfortable with allowing her to do, in regards to what she wants.

Also, no, she is not pushing anything. She's being very respectful. She has just asked if that's something I would be ok with, because that's something she wants.
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Last edited by PolyPhonic; 12-18-2012 at 07:29 AM.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So much of communication is in the paraverbal. I'll stop now, since I think I got it down as best I can at this time. Then we also avoid "crossing" posts.
Hehe, yeah we're starting to cross posts. And also I'm tired. Let's talk more in the morning! Thank you very much for your dialogue, it's simply the tops!
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