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Old 12-14-2012, 09:46 PM
Daysleeper Daysleeper is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 21
Default Fwb, but not really

One of my best friends is a monogamous guy that I have had to to tame my feelings for for the past 4 years or so. He is one of my husband's best friends from childhood.

I asked him if he would be interested in dating me about 4 months ago, and he told me he has feelings for me, but ultimately he is monogamous, and he has no desire to come between my husband and I. We decided to be friends with benefits, but it turned into something much more like a relationship: staying up talking all night, dropping the l word, sleepovers, constant contact, affection, nre highs on both sides, etc.

About a month ago, he decided to pursue a monogamous ex for a few months. Then not only did he not want to have sex with me, but he put limits on how long our phone conversations could last, the words he wanted to say, etc. I understood that to this other person, our connection might look very much like a relationship, so I stepped back to avoid causing problems there. It was only a little difficult, and I was more upset about my breakup with a long term partner during the same period.

Now he's found that it isn't going to work with the woman he was pursuing, and he is pretty much trying to pick up where he left off with me. In the two months little changed in the way of my feelings. I'd really like to pursue a serious (possibly primary) relationship with him, and he says he loves me very deeply and probably would have married me if he had met me when I was single and mono, but he is mono, and he doesn't want my primary relationship to break.

I am just feeling confused by the fact that he treats me like a girlfriend, says he loves me like one and keeps us in this limbo land. We have great conversations, comfortable affection, deep discussions, are one another's secret keepers. We spend a great deal of time together. We even came out to some mutual friends because we thought our love was too obvious to try to hide. Why doesn't he want to call this a relationship? He says he's monogamous, yet is perfectly willing to carry on with this behavior when most of the time we see one another, my husband is with us, and I make no effort to hide my other relationships. He has very rarely shown any sign of jealousy or emotional problem with the situation. How is this mono behavior? I have told him he'd never have to date anyone else, and understands this. What does the fwb title accomplish when nobody behaves that way?

I'm so emotionally clouded it's difficult for me to see this clearly, and I think I could use an outside view. My husband is privy to all of this and tries to be supportive, but he struggles with not letting my emotional ups and downs with his friend turn into frustration with his friend. So he mostly steps back, occasionally listens to my thoughts and tells me I need to work this out without his help. I don't want to discuss it in such detail with others in the group, because I don't want to cause any messes in other friendships.

Advice in this situation? Part if me says I should just jump back into our non relationship, part of me says to keep my distance and hope the feelings die down. I am not sure what's best.
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