Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-25-2009, 03:40 AM
WarumonoD's Avatar
WarumonoD WarumonoD is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Default A Few Questions

a little background first: im new to poly ive been mono up untill about 6 months ago, ive acculy known her longer we went to the same bar on swingers night, i wasent a swinger eather i just had friends who were, but now 6 months ago i became the third part of a triad now my lover and her husband have been swingers for a few years, so my first question i guess would be is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono

my next question i guess would have to be where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with.

Third question need some more background, where all liveing togeather 3 in a bed (it works) she likes haveing us togeather, im very hetro and so is he so theres no issues there and i dont have a problem with...one after the other but there will be times when he's is the mood and i wont be thats not an issue there but one of his biggest turnons is seeing someone with her, so my question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her? sense hell never not be in the mood if i am?

i know some of thease questions i should ask them and i plan on it but i guess im just trying to see what other people think befor i approch them i have a hard time asking questions when hes around because i dont want to look stupid or like im trying to overstep my place in the relationship and have him kick me out sense he is her husband.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-25-2009, 04:58 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default Lots of ground to cover here

Quote:
Originally Posted by WarumonoD View Post
a little background first: im new to poly ive been mono up untill about 6 months ago, ive acculy known her longer we went to the same bar on swingers night, i wasent a swinger eather i just had friends who were, but now 6 months ago i became the third part of a triad now my lover and her husband have been swingers for a few years, so my first question i guess would be is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono

my next question i guess would have to be where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with.

Third question need some more background, where all liveing togeather 3 in a bed (it works) she likes haveing us togeather, im very hetro and so is he so theres no issues there and i dont have a problem with...one after the other but there will be times when he's is the mood and i wont be thats not an issue there but one of his biggest turnons is seeing someone with her, so my question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her? sense hell never not be in the mood if i am?

i know some of thease questions i should ask them and i plan on it but i guess im just trying to see what other people think befor i approch them i have a hard time asking questions when hes around because i dont want to look stupid or like im trying to overstep my place in the relationship and have him kick me out sense he is her husband.
Hello War,

Lots of valid questions here and I suspect you'll get some varied feedback from some knowledgeable folks here.
I'll give my 2 cents worth on a few things...

"would be is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono"

Anything is possible and we have folks here in that situation. But it's going to require you to change some of your thinking.

"next question i guess would have to be where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with."

This may be where you are going to have to put in maybe some of the most serious learning about poly beliefs. When you mention asking her not to do something you're speaking from a "control" position. Your first task her will be to see if you can adopt a belief that no person should have "control" over any other. So, for example, if you were to ask her to not sleep with someone else, you would have to have some valid reason to make that request regarding concerns for HER - and NOT YOU ! i.e her safety etc.


"question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her?"


I don't think it's "selfish" per se, but I think it's going to be delicate and needs to be approached slowly & with compassion for everyones feelings. It's something they will need to talk about in depth and they will need to feel sure that your intentions are pure and that it's not an effort to try to drive a wedge between them. Not knowing her husband it's impossible to project any insecurities he may have that he'll have to face but given his comfort level with watching her with someone else I'd suspect that over time he'd be quite comfortable with not being present. PROVIDING he trusts you

So to me, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, you will not technically living a "mono" lifestyle - except in your own mind.
I have a friend here who be able to elaborate on that - maybe even challenge the statement - but I stick to it

GS
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-25-2009, 05:57 PM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
"question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her?"

I don't think it's "selfish" per se, but I think it's going to be delicate and needs to be approached slowly & with compassion for everyones feelings. It's something they will need to talk about in depth and they will need to feel sure that your intentions are pure and that it's not an effort to try to drive a wedge between them. Not knowing her husband it's impossible to project any insecurities he may have that he'll have to face but given his comfort level with watching her with someone else I'd suspect that over time he'd be quite comfortable with not being present. PROVIDING he trusts you
I agree with this, BUT I also have a very strong belief that one-on-one connections are important in our lives and relationships. I believe that all members of a relationship should be able to spend time one-on-one time with each other (as they choose to - i.e. you don't HAVE to build a relationship with a metamour).

Also I would assume that your partners know and understand that you don't consider yourself poly and have come into the relationship still from the perspective of a one-on-one relationship with her.

So IMO, you should be able to ask to spend "couple" time with her w/out drama or repercussion.

Of course "should" doesn't always work in real life. So given that, I'd say that approaching the topic delicately and with the understanding that you're not in any way attempting to influence their relationship, you'd just like a "share" of her time outside the triad ... that would probably work best.

As far as asking her not to sleep with someone else, I think that's trickier. You met her in a swing club, you said, and you knew going into it that she's poly ... so IMO, at this point asking her not to sleep with anyone else would be like ... I dunno, going to a steak restaurant and then complaining because they served you steak, you know?

As GroundedSpirit said, you need to make sure that asking her not to do that is based on HER safety vs. your insecurities or needs or wants.

FWIW, you say that you consider yourself mono, but you are in a fairly intense poly relationship (all of you sharing the same bed, etc.). I'm wondering if you feel that to call yourself poly, you have to have more than one relationship yourself? I know my husband is beginning to accept that he is poly ... even though HE does not have a secondary relationship, simply because he is involved with me and I am involved with others. Because he is willing to accept the life and be part of my connections, he considers himself to be poly by association. It doesn't mean he has to have another partner ever, if he doesn't want one.

But bottom line is this: I've found out that poly is a very broad area. There are more ways to practice poly than I would have ever imagined when I first started learning about the life. And the nice thing is that none of them are technically "wrong" or "right" ... they're just different ways that different people structure their romantic relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-25-2009, 09:07 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,396
Default

Quote:
is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono
Yes-but it requires a great deal of open-mindedness and maturity. It requires you have the ability to accept that people (specifically the ones you are living with) are NOT like you AND that it's OK that they have different lifestyles and preferences than you may.

Quote:
where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with.
This is something that must be ironed out between the three of you. In our V-absolutely. In fact we have agreed that ANY of the three of us has the right PRIOR to a sexual encounter/relationship forming to "veto" ANY of the other of us having a new partner. But we also require that it be PRIOR to a relationship forming and that we speak openly to one another about the issue, and that it not be for selfish purposes (thus we have to be able to back up our request). IF a relationship has already formed then we can still say "hey I think so and so is detrimental because..." but it's up to the person in the relationship to decide how to handle it from there.

As we function as a family (4 kids involved) the biggest focus is on the well-being of the children, not any one of us. But the point is still the same if there aren't kids involved-it shouldn't be a selfish request to help you avoid dealing with your own issues of jealousy or insecurity-but a request based on the best interests of the your partner and the situation as a whole.


Quote:
would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her?

Selfish to Ask? No. But again-this needs to be ironed out between the three of you. Personally I think it's perfectly reasonable. BUT at the same time, we dont' all three share a bed (though personally I often wish we could at least PART of the time).

The thing is-this type of thing is SO individual and depends on the specific parties involved. So what works for one group may or may not work for another....

It sounds like you would all benefit from really sitting down and discussing comfort, needs, boundaries to protect each others comforts and needs at home etc.
I found that for THAT purpose the book "opening up" was great. It brought up lists of ideas that might come up for discussion-great way to get a person's mind thinking of "what ifs" that were well worth discussing.

Like safer sex practices. You might be amazed at how differently people define safer sex. I sure was! We had about an hour talk on that alone as we all three had different understandings and definitions, expectations and theories. Between that book and the thread on here about it-we created our own re-defined definition that works for our V.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-26-2009, 07:28 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Short and sweet.

I'm definitely 100% mono and have been in a monogamous/non-monogamous relationship for almost a year. Anything is possible if you find health within the relationship. It is not easy at times but as long as the relationship is based on mutual fulfillment, anything is possible.

If both of you are clear on what you need and feel healthy and fulfilled and you love each other, you'll have a solid foundation.

What works for some will not work for others. Take advice but ultimately it will come down to what the two of you need, that is the only really important thing.

Will you be in a poly relationship even though you identify as mono? In my opinion yes. But being in a poly relationship doesn't make you poly. Don't get hung up on labels though! I don't even use words like poly or open relationship anymore. They are just labels that doesn't accurately convey my situation.
Take care and good luck!!
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 12-26-2009 at 08:14 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-28-2009, 10:04 PM
WarumonoD's Avatar
WarumonoD WarumonoD is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Default

Thanks Folks

we have talked and thngs have gotten worked out my example for my seconed question wasent exacly fraised right it wasent ment to seem like i was trying to controll the better examble i came up with was a more of famly vs personal IE: Desideing on a vacation destination how much weight did my opinion have, or in general what weight my opinon has, every thing is well in hand now and in part thanks to the gread imput ive recived here kinda helped me modify the questions so they came out more like i intended them so thanks again

D
__________________
Live Free, Die Bloody - D
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:11 AM.