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  #31  
Old 12-12-2012, 10:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
It isn't anything but selfish to serve only you when people you claim to care about ask for.you to be there for them. It's not enlightened. It's not evolved. It's being a fair weather lover.
I think you are way, way off-base and out of line when you say this.

Quite often, the most loving and supportive thing we can do for others is let them stand on their own two feet and not coddle them.

To assert that it "isn't anything but selfish" when a person says they need their spouse for comfort but the spouse cannot necessarily be there for them in the way they want, is ridiculously judgmental and almost primitive, frankly. How do you know that the "needy" person wouldn't have been better off solving his problem on his own, and that that would have been the best way their spouse could have been there for them? You weren't in the situation Cleo described and you obviously operate differently, so to make such a blanket statement rather surprises me.

Here's something I learned a long time ago, about when a person is sad or hurting and crying - most people automatically want to put their arms around them and comfort them with "there, there." However, in many cases, doing so actually short-circuits their experience of their own feelings. It is usually more beneficial to allow space for people to feel what they feel and not dissipate the energy with contact or interference until they have reached a place of having ridden the waves of emotions. Otherwise they stay stuck.

I think the shift from couple-centric thinking to autonomy probably has something to do with being more aware of and recognizing what people really need -- versus what they say they need -- without attaching unnecessary sentimentality to one's "role" in the relationship.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #32  
Old 12-13-2012, 02:20 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I've hesitated to put my 2 cents until now.
Quote:
I guess I do feel, more and more, in the context of all my relationships, that I am an "I" instead of half of a "We".
This resonates with me. Because I believe all people are whole and complete in of themselves.

I am not a "broken half" person seeking to find the partner to "complete me."

When I come together with DH, we are two complete, whole people. We come together to create a new thing -- a partnership thing. In this case, a synergy effect.
1 + 1 = 1 + 1 + the (1+1) partnership.
It is not

1/2 me + 1/2 him = 1 couple.


There would still be missing bits. It would be thinking it is


1/2 me + 1/2 him = 1 solid couple.


but really it is


1/2 me + 1/2 him = 1/2 me still with work to do on me + 1/2 him still with work to do on him + (1/2 + 1/2) partnership that is not as strong as it could be if it were made of two whole people. A (1/2 + 1/2) partnership is not a solid (1 + 1) partnership.


I've always felt whole in of myself so I was struggling with the original question. I just do not remember a time when I didn't feel I was a whole person.

Quote:
I was just wondering if anyone else experienced this? Being in a longterm commited relationship, opening up, and feeling this transition from 'we are a couple doing poly' to 'I am a person living a poly life'?
Even before I knew the world "polyamorous" -- I knew I was me and I wanted to live how I wanted to live! Partnered or single -- I am wired polyamorous. My problems where the flip side. Other people not getting me, finding me odd, or "too independent" or "scary" or something. That I wasn't interested in doing "couple things" -- I was. I just wasn't interested in being joined at the hip! I wanted time/space to do independent things too!

I did not share in this thought of "seeking to find the one to complete me."

There are many Right Ones out there. They don't all necessarily come at the Right Time. But they are out there. I guess I thought it was more effective to just be the best me I could be so whenever a Right One type person came into my orbit I was the best me I could offer in dating partnership? A whole me? Not a broken 1/2 me?

I don't know that I articulate how I feel well but that's my stab at it. Hope that helps!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-13-2012 at 02:34 AM.
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