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Old 12-12-2012, 05:13 PM
OhSoLost OhSoLost is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Default Lost and confused please help!

Hi Everyone, I am sure this topic has been discussed over and over again and I am sorry to bring it up again. I have read so many of the posts. I can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and someone out there can help me see a light. I suppose I just need some one to talk to. Some one who has gone through what I am at the moment that could tell me about their experiences and perhaps help me on my way. I am going to apologize in advance for my horrifically long post.

I am a mono. Hubby after 12 years has now fallen in love with someone and says he has more love to give. So now after 12 years he is suddenly poly. He wants me to accept this and and be ok with it. (just for the record he does not want me to see anyone else as he feels he can not share me) The other person is someone we know who is/was(Im not even sure I want to know them some days) dear to us. They were never close (If you would like more details you are welcome to email me to explain some more).

I know I have my own fears and insecurities and I am working on them to make a better me but these things take time. This other relationship was deceitful for a week or 2 as they kept from me the fact that they had feelings for one another (even though in my gut I know there was something going on). It took a lot of crying and talking but eventually I realized its something he needs and well lets try it and see (at that point I must say I was hoping it was just a thing he was going through and it would come to and end soon but I see now a few months on that its this or I go my own way) I feel we perhaps jumped into this to fast and I an nervous, confused and at times feel unloved and just a side step.

With out going into to much detail this all started about 5 months ago when I helped this "friend" in a difficult time. She came to have feelings for my hubby. They chatted and decided they wanted to explore this avenue. They saw each other 2 or 3 times over a month period as she lived quite far away. She has since moved closer and we now have gone to more of a "scheduled" time where he spends certain days there and certain evenings there and then the rest of the time is home with me (he sees her every day and sometimes spends up to 15 hours with her all except for 1 day which I have him to myself for us) . We do not have such busy social /work lives so this medium was to work well.

It is very difficult for me but I try to accept they need their time alone too and I have in no way tried to stop him from being there when he is supposed to be there. My issues come in when - while he is there he does chat to me from time to time but it is far and few between however when he is with me (perhaps its just my insecurity and imagination) he chats with her quite a bit. When he is there he says he loves me (I know he does) and he misses me. I do however find it hard when he says these things but then he would for example say he will be home at X time but then arrives an hour or 2 later. Or says he will be leaving soon and then an hour has passed and he is still there.

I know this may sound petty to some but it is a huge trigger at the moment as I feel they have their time together and by him not being home when he says he will be (90% of the time he is never here when he says he will be) or does not chat with me as much as he does with her it kind of is being disrespectful to me. They get A LOT of alone time together. We tried to share the times equally (except overnights those have not happened yet but are in the near future) . I have had this man in MY life 24/7/365 for all this time and it is a HUGE adjustment for me to even go down this poly road with them. I have compromised and given up things I never thought I even would and I feel that when they behave in this matter they walk all over me and it is NOT fair.

She also has stopped chatting with me for the moment as that is her coping mechanism. Frankly I think she feels very guilty for what she is doing and THAT the real reason. I have spoken to hubby about this but he says to just hang on there she will be back to her old self soon.

If anyone has gone through something similar or would like to chat with me and perhaps help me find a common ground here please email me.

OhSoLost
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