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  #561  
Old 12-07-2012, 06:58 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Gia told me today that Bee's been asking for me when I'm not around. She said that, last night, he picked up a toy that he and I had recently played with and said "Anna, Anna?" to her and Eric. They told him "Sorry, no Anna." Then he went to door and said my name again and looked at them, as if maybe if they opened the door I'd be there.

Just typing the story out, I can feel things shifting in my chest. Simple pleasure at being loved in such an uncomplicated way by someone that I also love. Sadness and a sense of wrongness that he should have to miss me, that I can't just be there with him all the time. Lots of complicated emotions around the idea of family, lots of unanswerable questions about where things might be going. I try not to get too worked up, try not to overthink too much. Yes, Bee loves me, of course he does, it's lovely and I can and should cherish it, but it changes nothing, except, perhaps inasmuch as it ties us all just a little closer.

Ties... but what ties are there, aside from affection, affinity, history, and understanding? Ha, that's no insignificant list when I write it out! And yet, even while so much about my relationships with these people is so wonderful, it's also terrifying, on a certain level, to love so deeply and to not have something tangible to hold on to, like a shared bank account or a commitment ceremony or a role that other people recognize. I don't think it's something we're ready for in the present moment, but I do think it's something I'm wanting more and more...

Eric mentioned to me that he's started a blog of his own. Like Gia and I have been doing, he's looking to explore his sexuality. Whereas she and I are just musing about what we find sexy and why, he specifically has the goal of trying to build a greater comfort with the idea of vulnerability, which he currently has a lot of trouble with. The idea of a more vulnerable, open, and self-aware Eric... wow. I'll be frank, it makes me wonder if he could ever change enough to be open to loving someone other than Gia. For what is a resistance to loving others if not a resistance to vulnerability?

Ugh, I feel so stupid for still holding any wishes and hopes related to him. I don't think I actually even want anything to change in our relationship, is the funny thing. I just want... I suppose I want him to look at me the way I know that I sometimes look at him when he's not looking. I want to mean something special in his heart. I don't mind being vulnerable, generally, but it's kind of terrible to be vulnerable to someone who's not vulnerable in the same way to you. Mostly I've built up enough armour when it comes to him that it's fine, it doesn't ache to be around him the way it once did. Wondering if things could change feels dangerous, because maybe it threatens that armour.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #562  
Old 12-07-2012, 08:23 AM
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I was totally "awwww" reading that <3 I can see, though, how it could bring up quite conflicting emotions.
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  #563  
Old 12-08-2012, 02:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I don't mind being vulnerable, generally, but it's kind of terrible to be vulnerable to someone who's not vulnerable in the same way to you.
I have felt this way with Lively. Sometimes I wonder how it is that I, a 50-something woman who has been in a gazillion relationships, experienced many hardships, and in the midst of dissolving a 12-year marriage, could feel so vulnerable with Lively, a 30-something guy whose longest relationship before being with me lasted only five months or so, a guy who is deeply logical, has difficulty expressing tenderness, can't handle too much affection, and keeps a thick wall around his heart while I wear mine on my sleeve. I even had a dream the other night that he said, "I love you" to me. When I woke up, that was all I could remember of the dream and wondered if that would ever happen. How did I get here?! But it doesn't matter - he is a good man and I love him, and I honestly doubt I will ever hear those words from him.

I am pretty darn certain that whatever makes this difference in affection and love so "terrible" is not the feeling of love itself. Love just is. Nor is it the feeling of being vulnerable, which can be so exciting. It is the wishing things were different, the hoping for more than what I have, and the belief that what he can give is not enough somehow, which creates pain. I have come to realize that it is expectation and longing that hurts - not the love and vulnerability we feel. I keep working on letting go of that, and to just love him. I keep reminding myself that to love him is to let him be who he is, and to create a space for him to feel free. The last time he and I were together, it was wonderful. I didn't have to protect myself, I just felt what I felt and there was no sense of missing out on anything or longing for us to be a different kind of "us."

I'll stop rambling now. Oftentimes, when you write, Annabel, there is a sentence or two that just sparks some thoughts and feelings that have been tumbling around my head.

But that vulnerability... is such a beautiful thing. I think letting ourselves feel that vulnerable really helps us to also become strong. Two sides of the same coin.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-08-2012 at 10:14 AM.
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  #564  
Old 12-10-2012, 07:56 PM
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Thanks for sharing, Nyc. I'm glad you guys are doing well, and I'm glad we can find food for thought in each other's stories (because it definitely cuts both ways).

This I especially liked:
"But that vulnerability... is such a beautiful thing. I think letting ourselves feel that vulnerable really helps us to also become strong. Two sides of the same coin."
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #565  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:05 PM
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Gia and Eric work at the same place, a large and powerful company. Friday night was the company's annual holiday party, and, since they both work there now (Eric had for years, Gia just started this year), they could both go and still both invite others as their one guest each. An ideal situation for poly folks. Gia brought me, and Eric brought Helen, a friend and, newly, lover of his, who I mentioned very briefly when they first got involved about a month and a half ago.

We all had a great deal of fun taking the event very seriously, like a prom. Eric actually rented a tux. Gia dressed me up in a gown and heels, did my hair, and put makeup and jewelry on me. She was dressed impeccably, and Helen looked very nice as well. Our friend who was babysitting Bee for the evening also happens to be a photographer, and he took portraits of us, separately and together.

Despite all the prep, the party was far more lavish -- and crowded, despite the fact that it sprawled over multiple floors -- than either Helen or I had envisioned. I reveled in it (and in the open bar, though I'm proud to say that I don't believe I became obnoxious at any point), Helen seemed nervous all night, Eric mingled effortlessly, and Gia seemed more at ease than Helen but still stuck near the people she knew.

It was a very interesting experience, being out in a poly pod without actually being "out" (Gia and Eric aren't out at work). Being out or in didn't really come up, since no one questioned who we were. More than anything, I just found it delightful. Gia looked so beautiful, Eric so handsome, I was proud to be with them, and felt protective of Helen. We talked about many things at great length, both with others and amongst ourselves, and ate and drank a great deal. It felt almost dreamlike in a way, slightly unreal.

Gia mentioned again, recently, that she worries that our relationship is unfair to me because the pace at which she is able to explore her sexuality is so slow. I wrote her a long email today explaining all the ways in which I feel extraordinarily lucky to be with her. The more I thought and wrote it out the clearer it seemed to me. I'm interested to see how she responds.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #566  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:11 PM
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The party sounds amazing. And I really like the idea of writing down everything you appreciate in Gia and your relationship, for her to see and for yourself as well. It works for me too, when I write stuff down or talk about it with someone, it usually sinks in better that way.
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  #567  
Old 12-12-2012, 05:35 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Gia mentioned again, recently, that she worries that our relationship is unfair to me because the pace at which she is able to explore her sexuality is so slow. I wrote her a long email today explaining all the ways in which I feel extraordinarily lucky to be with her. The more I thought and wrote it out the clearer it seemed to me. I'm interested to see how she responds.
So, immediately after I sent the long email, I sent another one with a haiku summing it all up. She replied, thanking me for the tl;dr version and saying she was really busy and that she'd probably have a chance to read the rest tomorrow (aka the day that just passed). I explicitly said in the email that I didn't require much, if anything, in the way of a response.

She hasn't written back yet. There is absolutely no reason for me to be worried.

And, yet, here I am freaking out. Just a little! Well, enough that I felt like I needed to come here and talk about it. Like, what if I said the wrong thing, what if I took the wrong approach, what if she's asking herself if she can really handle this?

Ugh ugh ugh. I really hope she writes back tomorrow.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #568  
Old 12-12-2012, 06:16 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until she's written me back. I can handle so many things with aplomb, but uncertainty makes me fall apart. This is like being in high school again and it suuuuucks.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #569  
Old 12-12-2012, 06:19 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Lack of feedback is so hard. Our imaginations are ASSHOLES and manage to come up with something (or many things!) a million times worse than any feedback our partner(s) would EVER give, even if they were to give negative feedback (however unlikely). *HUGS* I get it, and I'm sorry you're currently going through it.
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  #570  
Old 12-12-2012, 07:31 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks, TGIG, it helps to hear that stuff. I'm just going to work on not thinking about it, I think that's all I can do right now.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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