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Old 12-10-2012, 08:45 PM
Passionate1 Passionate1 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 18

Thank you to everyones genuine responses. I truly appreciate them all. I need to hear and see from other's perspectives in this area. It is a way to detach myself and look at it objectively. I am, as one would say, too close to the situation and blinded by my own confused feelings in this matter. You see one of the ironies in all of this is the fact that I am a relationship coach. I successfully help others wade through their own stuff and come to happy conclusions (most of the time). Doing this for myself has proven to be virtually impossible.

Yes it was me that brought up swinging. And my husband will say that he was always a step behind me through the process. Once he would get comfortable with something I seemed to change it up. I won't argue this point. I get how he sees it this way. I always felt as if i was looking for something. Swinging felt close to it, but in the same time made me feel empty and "used". At no point has he ever forced me into anything and has usually been very gracious in understanding my need to NOT have multiple casual partners. Prior to meeting O.O I did have a long standing relationship with someone else. We were extremely close friends and I loved him as such. He came to family events and my husband was relatively supportive of this relationship. But then I met O.O and fell in love. I could go on and on about feeling of cosmic fate yada yada. Suffice it to say... the feeling of looking for something stopped the moment I met him.

In the beginning my husband even said "wow he may be really good for you". But soon when the real feelings started to blossom he put on the breaks. I have tried to "leave" O.O 3 times now and have been a mess each time. Husband has given me what he felt "comfortable" with (1x date a week etc) and we have tried to live within those. But after 6 months I know and my O.O knows we want more than that. So we started melding families so to speak. And I guess I absurdly thought that husband would grow to accept and even embrace this. Truthfully there were many moments of being able to see it since it was happening in front of me.

But... husband has honestly said that he is not comfortable with it. He does not want to share me in this way. While at the same time O.O has committed to me and wants a real relationship (more than 1x a week) and to move even closer to what our vision was. Both men were justified in their needs and desires. And that is where I was caught between.

I am petrified I will resent my husband. I don't want to do that. And I truly took stock of the suggestion to make a decision and stick with it. Choosing my husband would be for the sake of my marriage and family. He is and always will be first to me. Even O.O knows this (painfully well)

I know I am poly. I know that my husband and even O.O are monogamous. I don't want to deny something that is who i am, but my word is also just as much who i am. I lived without the "knowledge" of my being poly my whole life (admittedly i have always been a bit restless) so i should be able to revert back?? uhmm.... ugh.

Thank you everyone... truly...
~Life is not about finding yourself. It is about CREATING yourself.
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Old 12-11-2012, 04:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

It sounds like you are the driving force behind your romantic and sexual exploration as a couple and the goal posts keeps moving. Has your husband been told of your latest vision? Does anyone have a ultimate vision? Going from a hobby model to some time split? ...60 /40 ...50/50 If I was him I'd want to know this regardless if it happened or not. Wouldn't that factor in on any decisions on his part.

Would he trust you in any negotiations ....meaning a limit is a limit or as a desensitizing tactic....to be renegotiated later or a gentle slide toward some goal you an O.O. have.

I wouldn't want to be looked at as a jailer or warden keeping you from your true identity. I wouldn't want the resentment of I couldn't or wouldn't do this for you. I wasn't evolved enough or didn't read enough, didn't go to enough therapy sessions. The slow bitterness, the slight less joyful or worse the depressed and quick to temper wife.

Also staying together to honor ones word seems empty in itself....I'd want to know that as well.

Have you given any thought to where the tipping point on hubby's feeling for you are. These things have a way of changing everyone's prospective.

Personally I think you have to honor who you are because life is short too short to live constrained. Go out and build the life of your dreams ...isn't that what you'd tell yourself as a life coach.

Good luck D
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