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  #31  
Old 12-08-2012, 12:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
I pointed out two sentences, written in your own words, that directly contradict each other. Your repsonse is to defend yourself. That tells me I have discovered an unresolved core issue between you and your wife. You isolate yourself from her when you feel the need to.
Feeling a need to isolate is not a core issue in and of itself, but I think you are way off-base about this, anyway, Snowmelt. I won't get into why, as I don't see an analysis of everything the OP wrote to prove my opinion as really necessary in this thread right now. But I have to say that harping on your viewpoint isn't going to convince the OP to see it your way. You've stated your perspective, now give it a rest and let him take or leave what he will and digest what he needs to digest. He is in a raw, emotional state and processing a lot. Geez.
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  #32  
Old 12-08-2012, 04:59 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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This will be my last reply. In this reply, I am talking to everyone who has participated in this thread so far:

I stirred quite a few emotions when I wrote the words "core marriage issue". Emotions get stiirred when a core issue is pointed out. They don't get stirred when someone talks about an issue that does not exist. If someone talks about an issue that really doesn't exist, people hardly notice and quickly move on to something else. That did not happen here.

Obviously I pointed out something that not only exists in someone somewhere on this thread, but stirred a lot of emotions in most of the people who replied to me. Based on the replies I've received, there is obviously no opportunity to talk about this in a sincere way. The emotions are running too high for that. The simple act of me talking about it seems to continue to stir emotions.

I have no desire to stir emotions further. Doing so isn't helping anyone. I'm withdrawing from this thread. This will be my last reply. That means I will not reply to anyone else on this thread for any reason. I hope that will help calm everyone down. I would like to ask everyone who participates on this thread in the future to consider doing so in a calm sincere way.

Amk ( I hope I spelled your username right) stayed calm and sincere to others on this thread the entire time he was here. He was the one I was talking to when I used the term core marriage issue. I wasn't talking to anyone else, but my words stiirred everyone else. He was the one who came here for help, and he was the one who commented that things were getting out of control.

I see a lot of humor in that. It's funny. Human nature can be really funny.

I hope everyone decides to calm down and focus on amk if he comes back to the thread.

To Amk - Your last reply sounded like you were doing better than you were when you first posted. I hope this thread helped you (and helps you in the future if you come back), even though it got out of control.

To everyone on this thread - I wish you all health and happiness.

That's it for me.
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  #33  
Old 12-08-2012, 05:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GalaGirl: You are right in many ways. I think “you have a lot to digest” is an understatement. I also think I went overboard with things on the exact same night my Mom emailed me to tell me that the relationship she and I had (a very close friendship) is over due to some differences of opinion.
I'm sorry it was one of those "when it rains, it pours" kind of nights. I'm sorry things with Mom are rough right now. That is ONE "serious relationship work thing." Since you flooded when trying read/talk to wife on polyamory things, perhaps not schedule two "serious relationship work things" on the same night. Very draining. Take the time to TLC. It might feel like time is slipping away like a sand timer -- but really, you have all the time you need to spend on this.

You are working on it and moving it forward, which is commendable. But you don't have to be Superman -- coping with mom on one hand and then coping with a major marriage change on the other. You can PACE yourself here. This isn't about breakneck speed!

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to even if she's busy with 4 kids. Try to schedule time with her to air out.

I am glad you are trying to use support here on the forum for you and wife respects that. She hopefully can find another one of the poly online outlets for her "internet support thing" for the "gather my thoughts together" time and then you can cross-share the info when it's "show and tell" time.

Do consider getting professional support as well though. A counselor who is NOT your friend, NOT internet strangers. More "safe" outlets for you. Then you have the friend as the amateur person who is close to you in RL for the perspective. Then you have the amateur listening strangers for that perspective. Then you have the professional but not attached person in the counselor for that perspective, and perhaps give you other new tools.

Maybe you also want a doctor check up -- to have someone on the team looking out for your body bucket issues -- eating, sleeping, stress, etc during this challenging time in the heart and mind. Meds are not the magic pill to solve everything, but if you are experiencing HUGE levels of stress -- there's nothing wrong with getting checked out and if you need it, a prescription to help you sleep!

I don't know how you go about tending your soul/spirit -- but remember to look out for that too.

Gather your support together, gather yourself together. Take your time. BREATHE. Make the safe, quiet space you need so you can examine and discern and then come to a decision on what shape it is you want next for your romance:

1) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in a monogamous CLOSED marriage

2) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in an OPEN marriage that makes space for her dating indefinitely

3) monoamorous you + polyamorous wife in an OPEN marriage that makes space for her dating and then closing down again to a polyfi configuration of some sort

4) monoamorous you + polyamorous her as friends and co-parents, but not as marrieds any more.

5) Something else I cannot think of at this point.

You will get there. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Take care of you. In all your buckets -- mind, body, heart, soul. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Take it one thing at a time. BREATHE. BREATHE.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-08-2012 at 05:33 PM.
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  #34  
Old 12-08-2012, 09:12 PM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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All I can say is I've been there, and I know how you feel. I was pretty taken by surprise and I felt just as devastated at first, and it was a difficult road but I learned to quell my fears and try to trust my wife when she said she still loved me and didn't want to leave me. The jealousy took longer, and it's still not perfect. I don't really get sick anymore when she wants to see another man, but sometimes I get mad about it, especially when she doesn't communicate with me when she planning on meeting a man.

You're entitled to your feelings, and they're valid, but trust, communication, and time will sort them out one way or the other.
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  #35  
Old 12-08-2012, 10:14 PM
amk amk is offline
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Thanks again to all the posters on my thread. The support is amazing and I really needed it.

I am taking the break I mentioned earlier because my wife went to the doctor on Friday and found out she may have a life threatening condition. I need to be her rock right now and that comes before my own emotions. To facilitate that, I am putting all this on the back burner until we know that she is gonna be ok.

You've all been so great. When it's appropriate, I'll be back.
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  #36  
Old 12-09-2012, 04:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Oy! I hope her health isn't as life threatening as first thought...

Yes... this is clearly NOT the time to be negotiating whether or not to Open. Her health and well being is def front burner stuff.

Hope you get news soon!

GG
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  #37  
Old 12-09-2012, 04:57 AM
DsmEvolution DsmEvolution is offline
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Amk, my thoughts and well wishes are with you and your wife. *HUGS*
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  #38  
Old 12-10-2012, 02:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
I stirred quite a few emotions when I wrote the words "core marriage issue". Emotions get stiirred when a core issue is pointed out. They don't get stirred when someone talks about an issue that does not exist. If someone talks about an issue that really doesn't exist, people hardly notice and quickly move on to something else. That did not happen here.

Obviously I pointed out something that not only exists in someone somewhere on this thread, but stirred a lot of emotions in most of the people who replied to me. Based on the replies I've received, there is obviously no opportunity to talk about this in a sincere way. The emotions are running too high for that. The simple act of me talking about it seems to continue to stir emotions.

I have no desire to stir emotions further.
I think you are getting a bit full of yourself here. Do you ever think you could be wrong? Your analysis isn't necessarily correct about all or most who replied here and cited your comments. I was one of the people who responded but rest assured that nothing in me was "stirred" by you. Don't you see how it comes off a s rather high and mighty of you to say that? I simply stated my observation that I believed you were off-base in your assessment of the situation and were harping on your point needlessly. I didn't have any emotions about this thread, other than compassion for the OP. This is just a message board and you are all strangers. It takes a lot more than that to stir my emotions, LOL.
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  #39  
Old 12-10-2012, 02:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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AMK, I wish you and your wife all the best.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #40  
Old 12-22-2012, 06:09 AM
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Diabolika Diabolika is offline
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I've found this thread to be very helpful.. Please let us know what you find out, I sincerely hope all turns out well with your wife's health.
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