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Old 12-10-2012, 02:49 AM
Maddy Maddy is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Default Probably not a new story...considering polyamory, uninterested spouse

Hi All,

Just sorting things out for myself and though this might be a good resource.
I've had polyamory on the brain for a while now. Thought about discussing it with my husband before but never acted. As of late I thought I didn't want to open the relationship and then try to find someone, but that if someone came into my life that might be of interest I'd act. Well, the universe acted fast on that one and a flirtatious friend of mine moved back here after he had left the state. We hung out with some mutual friends and I thought we could just be friends for a while...He made it clear in our first visit that he wanted to date me and "wished" I wasn't married... and so I thought "oh crap, now I have to talk about it." haha. My husband is not a very emotional person (to say the least), he works A LOT and is also somewhat ADD. We've had this discussion of "needs" for years (Married 3, living together 6.5) and it's just never really changed. I think part of the decision to try poly was resigning myself to the fact that -after lots of work (including some therapy, though it was brief)- it was pretty clear he couldn't give me what I needed (mainly on an emotional front, also dates and simple things) and it makes sense that if I want him still as my spouse and still have these needs, we could open up the relationship...Less pressure for him, more satisfaction for me.

Well, I bravely forged ahead and had that convo...it did not go well. He was "broken open" if you will, suddenly has a lot of emotions he's never had and is pretty clear that he isn't interested in being poly, or "sharing" so to speak.
After years of me turning myself into a pretzel, reading, hoping, accepting, resenting, etc. with little to no movement on his part I'm exhausted...and NOW he "changes." He still is sort of passive in all of this- more than I'd like him to be. I have to decide how I feel about being poly- since I've never done it I don't know...and I'm not sure I can know without trying...yet I can't try, without it being cheating at this point. I haven't seen said love interest since, but I'd like to. The initial NRE was awesome. I limit texting because it ends up crossing (unestablished) boundaries and I really don't want to hurt my husband, nor feel guilt for the rest of my life by acting. I thought there was no reason to do something "stupid" when we could have an "adult conversation" about it first. But basically he sees it as "My wife wants to date other people to save our marriage." and "If you want to date other people then that's a sign it's over."

I don't really know where this leaves my marriage yet...turns out the only feeling that isn't quite going away is the interest in poly. I tried to set it aside and just kept having DREAM after dream about the other person or a friend navigating a poly relationship etc. Also, I'm not really interested in a serial monogomy situation- I don't see the potential love interest as a potential husband, or replacement- I'm not sure it would work but as a secondary partner...as a new person to walk my journey with for however long that lasts- yes. He has something to offer me I want/need.

I'm starting to feel strongly that we walk with different people throughout our journeys for various reasons, to help us grow etc...to be our mirrors and in this case I've long outgrown the reasons I needed my husband initially and I've invested a lot to try to move forward. I'm also not ready to say it's over. Why should I have to? :/

PS. I have a couple of poly friends I've consulted and I've already read the ethical slut in it's entirety...The only thing I haven't done is taken us to therapy yet, because frankly I have plenty of resources in that way for myself and I'm just tired of being the initiator. Sure it makes sense that since I have the insurance that covers it etc. I'd make the call, but really?
He's made some effort, but whether it's "enough" remains to be seen. I'm also well aware of the idea that being poly can shine a light on the relationship gaps and that it requires a large amount of communication.

Last edited by Maddy; 12-10-2012 at 02:51 AM.
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