Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #341  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:42 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 385
Default

Hi,

I sympathise! I was having the same feeling recently on OK Cupid. I am a woman primarily looking for other poly women, and I am finding that tough. When I set my profile to bisexual, about 15-20 men message me every day and no women whatsoever. When I change it to 'gay', I still have to do the searching with women and I'm not coming up with a lot at all.

My girlfriend is a Dominant woman looking for submissive boys. They are ten-a-penny in the San Fran area. Like your OH, men flock to her.

Her husband was really struggling to get any contact with women online. I went in and edited his profile for him and changed some of his pictures. Since then, he's had to do most of the looking, but he's been getting some good replies, instead of no replies.

The changes I made were things like:
- his username had 69 in it, because it was the date of a vintage car he used to have. Changed that! Haha.
- he talked about his job too much and not a lot else
- he showed no passion for anything
- he seemed lukewarm about being poly
- at first, he didn't even say that he was poly, in case it scared women away
- under 'what are you doing with your life', he had put something like 'just making the best of it, I guess, lol' - I changed that and added more interests and joy

I think it's definitely true that women, in general, get more messages. It could be the stereotypical thing of 'men hunt, women like to be hunted'. I have not found many women who have been willing to do the hunting themselves.

It's also true that women can get inundated with messages that are impersonal, like other people have said. In a sea of 'hey, ur hot', you have to stand out by being genuine and, yes, talking about what you have read on their profile.

Also try changing your picture periodically. On FetLife, I used to have a picture of me from a distance, against a wall. I would rarely get messages. Now I have a closeup of my face, looking quite intense and Mistressy... hahaha... and I've had many more messages since then. Sometimes it's trial and error - what you think looks good may not attract people. Even if you do look good, not everyone will be attracted. Also, if you change it every few weeks, you are less likely to get skimmed over by people who have seen your picture before.

You are definitely welcome to send me a message with your username and I can check it out for you and maybe give you some pointers. But I totally understand if you want to remain anonymous!
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner

Metamours:
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (27m): GF's submissive



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Reply With Quote
  #342  
Old 12-10-2012, 12:59 AM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279
Default

I'm convinced there is some sort of voodoo magic involved with OkCupid (the same magic that enables my ladyfriend to shake slightly, snap her fingers, and have her bra appear in her hand without having to move any other article of clothing).

From the horror stories I've seen (and to a small degree experienced) I had thought I'd have a MUCH easier time. I took a look at some other guys' profiles on there and...wow. I'm nowhere NEAR a prime cut and I readily acknowledge this, but I still felt like Michael Phelps at a high school swim meet.

Men in general seem to have a harder time with online dating simply because there are SO many other men doing it. Even if you're awesome, you have to get noticed amongst a pack of guys whose greatest accomplishment in life is crushing TWO (count 'em, two) beer cans at once on their forehead.
__________________
=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote
  #343  
Old 12-10-2012, 09:57 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,386
Default

It can be difficult. I've been practicing poly (or at least trying to) for about five years now, and I've only found one person interested in it (my current boyfriend of two and a half years). Everyone else I have approached has been uninterested in dating someone who already has a boyfriend/ is not planning on being exclusive.

Mind you, I don't spend my time on dating sites or in bars or anything like that, I just ask out guys in person when I'm interested in them, and I guess I can be picky (I wouldn't date someone I don't feel I can trust and be friends with, and while there can be special people you connect with right away, I tend to be slower at making such connections).

But yes, I have found it can take years to find partners you are truly compatible with. The way I see it though, it's better than ending up in miserable relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #344  
Old 12-10-2012, 10:46 PM
RfromRMC's Avatar
RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovaFlutterhusky View Post
Is there just something that I am missing? Are my ads too dull or do they just demand too much? Am I too blunt? I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and it really bothers me. My Love can put ads up herself and have people flock to her (Though, the thought there is because she is female biologically). Is it just hard to be a poly male looking for a poly female or a couple that can help meet his needs in ways his primary can't? Is it because i'm in the middle of Pennsylvania?
All that could be factors.
Women in poly do tend to have less trouble finding possible partners. That's well known.
You mention location---geography is always a huge factor. What do you know of the poly population in your region? Have you reached out and made friends? Are there even a pool of potential partners anywhere near you?? That's very key and not something to be overlooked!
Also think about your requirements---are anything negotiable? Ever stretch your boundaries? Have you ever turned down anyone interested---and if so, think about why?


Limitless possibilities.
__________________
Just Rob now. That's all. .


In North Carolina? Check out: facebook.com/ncPoly
In Raleigh/Durham? Check out www.meetup.com/TrianglePolyamory
Reply With Quote
  #345  
Old 02-02-2013, 03:32 AM
flux29 flux29 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Default why is it so damn hard..

I swear it seems impossible to find someone worth while these days.. All I am landing lately is people who want a quick lay.. While that is fun and all, I want a ltr.. My frustration is building...
Reply With Quote
  #346  
Old 02-02-2013, 04:19 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,862
Default

Heh, I can relate to that, from back in the days when I was looking, and I finally gave up. Yes, even on OKCupid, I just had no luck at all. Not even a quick lay; the people I was interested in just didn't feel likewise, not a one of them. And I had a hard time finding percentage matches too. 80% was rare. Usually it was lower. Heck, the lady I'm already with came up only a 65% match or something on that order. And most of the people with higher percentages were, sigh, way too much younger than me.

None of this helps you in your frustrating situation, but at least you now know of one other person who has been there. And OMG, I can't even talk about how horrible the search was before finding OKC. Sigh. It's a meat market out there.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #347  
Old 02-02-2013, 04:52 AM
flux29 flux29 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Default

Ugh, okc is good if i want a great stiff dick for a few nights.. But alas, i dont. Lol
Reply With Quote
  #348  
Old 02-02-2013, 05:12 AM
Pyuvii Pyuvii is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 32
Default

Ya know, I've always found when I stopped looking and stressing over it, someone popped up.
The world likes to be ironic DX
Reply With Quote
  #349  
Old 02-02-2013, 11:14 AM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279
Default

I was like three seconds from giving up on OKC when they threw a perfect pitch. She's pretty awesome.
__________________
=DISCLAIMER=
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote
  #350  
Old 02-02-2013, 03:27 PM
BBQGreg BBQGreg is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 14
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by flux29 View Post
Ugh, okc is good if i want a great stiff dick for a few nights.. But alas, i dont. Lol
I've had success searching for long-term girlfriends with it. It did always take me awhile, but that I think was more on account of who I am/who I appeal to, who appeals to me, and the population of where I was living.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Yes, even on OKCupid, I just had no luck at all. Not even a quick lay; the people I was interested in just didn't feel likewise, not a one of them. And I had a hard time finding percentage matches too. 80% was rare. Usually it was lower. Heck, the lady I'm already with came up only a 65% match or something on that order. And most of the people with higher percentages were, sigh, way too much younger than me.
When I was in college, I had the same "matches as high as the low 80%s are rare" issue. Fast forward 5 years and move to a different city, and high 80s/low 90s was common. But I actually found the 75%-85% range was most interested back in me. And that's where I ultimately found a gem.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, dating advice, dating dynamics, dating etiquette, dating sites, dating websites, internet dating, kissing frogs, meeting people, netiquette, okcupid, on line dating, online dating, online personals, vee is for me

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:37 PM.