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  #1531  
Old 11-27-2012, 07:13 AM
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I hope you are feeling more positive soon. I feel sad for you guys. Enormous life changes are hard to deal with I think.
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  #1532  
Old 11-27-2012, 07:40 PM
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Dressing up and playing bocci ball at poly camp NW, when we all came to your first burlesque show and brought you flowers, the camping trips that you set up where we all talk and laugh deep into the night. Or even just the simplicity of knowing there's more than one person in the world who has your back 100%.
Thanks sweets. Thanks for this. I do have more than one person who has my back... Thanks for the reminder to appreciate that and give love back from where it comes from. I feel very neglectful of you, Brad and PN. It comes around. I know that. Just now I'm dealing with self neglect and my eyes are being opened up to what I wasn't seeing because I was too blind to see. Good times are always ahead. Just as lousy ones are.

I want this year to end. Solstice holds much promise of clarity I think. The sun will shine on the truth and I am ready for that. 25 days until then and much processing left to do. Clinging on to myself, asking for love and gentleness where ever possible. Hugs are always welcome too. A warm smile is nice. Just some acknowledgment that sometimes I am not strong and that that is okay.

After Solstice I hold on until the end of January when Mono and I go away together again and perhaps all will be clearer still by then. If we make it that far.

My dear loves have yet again pulled through and loved me through this blizzard of a storm. I've been as present as possible with them; asking them about their life, being around when I can. It must be wearing thin now. Its necessary, but I don't expect them to stick around right now. Perhaps even for good. Part of me wants to leave them all entirely so I am not a burden and so I can spend this time I need on myself. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore anyway. The only person I need to spend my time on right now is me. Leaving them hanging is eventually going to be unfair.

I am hoping I look back on this time and laugh at this and laugh at myself for being so stupid. I am turning 43 on the 7th of December. I feel as I did when I was 17 and dumped by my highschool sweetheart. I look back on that and understand now how na´ve and stipid I was. Could I be na´ve and stupid again? For allowing myself to go through this? Time and situations coming up will tell I guess.

Maybe I need to alter my brain to see this all differently somehow. Not sure how to do that and what to do about that. Pondering at the moment.
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-27-2012 at 08:00 PM.
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  #1533  
Old 11-28-2012, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Maybe I need to alter my brain to see this all differently somehow. Not sure how to do that and what to do about that. Pondering at the moment.
I had to do this recently. Not sure if it will last, but it definitely helped for now. I still get a little sad, but our reality isn't bad, as long as I can stave off my depressive moods and triggers.
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  #1534  
Old 11-29-2012, 06:35 AM
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AnotherConfused, BaggagePatrol, HyperSkeptic, and others
Oh dear. I didn't know that. It seems to be going around lately

I'm trying to work on focusing my energy inward. Instead of projecting it outwards in the form of reaching out to others (especially Mono) and constantly checking in with myself in regards to them and in terms of connecting with their energy. Trying not to be so empathic is what I'm trying to do.

It works for a moment and then I slide back. I guess it takes practice. The next step is to do that and relate to others. After that I will have to figure out how to do my job in a field that relies heavily on connection through other means than talking. Its a heart, empathetic, feeling job. Could be tricky.

I figure that if I master this I will lesson the amount of connection I have with others and will be able to meet them where they are at, rather than realize over time that I have invested much more in our relationship than they have. Maybe I won't get as hurt then too. I don't know if it will work, but it gives me something to try anyway. It makes me sad somehowa and I'm not sure why.
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-29-2012 at 06:45 AM.
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  #1535  
Old 11-30-2012, 08:01 AM
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Mono's last work day tomorrow. We are spending an evening together in front of the fire, drinking wine and hopefully talking. I dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.

This weekend we are all off to the mainland for my brother's 40th birthday party. This week has been about family and it continues this weekend. We decorated PN's mum's tree and she fed us supper, PN had a family dinner for me for my up coming birthday, this weekend its the 40th party and then Mono is off to his parents across the country where I will meet him five days later for a week. Back for Christmas stuff happening.

I have been chatting with Derby and Brad via text and even chatting a bit with Ken and Brad's wife via text too. I have begun to renew some of my relationship with my co-worker this week as well. Its been nice to have that connection to others. I look forward to catching up with Derby and Brad next week. Its been awhile since I've seen their faces and held them close. I miss them.

LB had his report card this week. He rocked it. His teachers are very pleased with his pleasant, confident, well mannered and happy demeanor. He is doing really well in his life. I aim to help him keep it that way if I can. Mumma has to be healthy to do that.

Good food, keeping active and busy, spending time alone, writing, avoiding drinking and smoking (I could very easily fall back into that) seem to be helping me stay on top of my mental health and my life. I seem to be finding much solace in my spiritual personal world. Like a squirrel, I am gathering and saving energy for the weeks ahead.
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  #1536  
Old 12-03-2012, 02:18 AM
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Mono decided that he would invite people over for his last day celebration. We had a fire and some drinks and he invited, or should I say instructed me to invite Brad, Ken, Derby and her husband to come over. It was a fun night, but rather sad and happy at the same time. I tried not to read in to the atmosphere and just go with the flow.

Coming back from the main land after a weekend away celebrating my brother's birthday and seeing Mono off to his parents across the country. We had a great time. It was good to get away. My parents booked us in an apartment/suite with them for the night and we spent some time there high above the city looking out at the lights of the high rises and into other people's worlds. It reminded me of how small my world is and how possible it would be to disappear into another life if I chose. I don't choose that, but it gave me hope somehow. My most favorite moment was sleeping between Mono and PN in total comfort and safety. Not gleeful as I have been in the past, but content and close.

I got to see an old friend who I love and care for very much. She is also poly and as experienced as I am. I admire her ability to rise above her emotions to find rational solutions and not over think.

My friend is different from me in that she has arrangements with her loves whereby she is free to sleep with whomever comes and goes in and out of her life and to be as casual or serious as she pleases with others. I don't have that arrangement, nor do I particularly want it. I find the parameters of my relationships give me comfort and offer a solution to my need to keep sexually distant from most people. I could just decide to not have the boundaries I do now that I have practiced them for so long, but its easier to remind myself and tell others that I am not available. At this time in my life I find it a healthy place to be unavailable sexually to anyone outside of my loves and my commitment to that is still strong after many years now.

I listened to my friend talk and tell me her stories and realized that what she has is possibly what Mono wants. He might want me to let go of my need to know details of his life and still be just as connected. Maybe he wants to be able to sleep with his friends or meet someone and hook up, just as she does. It gave me a new perspective. One that I find hard to swallow right now and I am struggling to wrap my head around it, but at least it doesn't seem as charged with secrets, silence and cheating somehow.

Perhaps one day we will have something different going on with our boundaries, but there is a lot of work to do before that. I don't know if we will get there without sever changes to the connection we have. Its hard to rate someone elses connection, but I can't imagine being as connected and being okay with some of her activities, unless I block out my feelings and thoughts or I had a sign of a deeper commitment in our relationship to rely upon. Vague hope of commitment beyond next months rent I doubt will produce such trust for me. I am traditional that way I guess. I suppose in time and with practice the intensity of the charge of the triggers and anxiety I get will subside if I really wanted to work on it.

It would help if I weren't attached to the boundaries we have created that Mono now says he doesn't care about and has let go of ten months ago. Boundaires we worked hard on about who I spend my time with and how we spend time. I wonder how much he would care if I was with somene he disliked for some reason...? Or whether or not he just doesn't have a need to know any more? If he doesn't then why bother telling him what I do? Would this lesson our attachement?

Heading home now. I have lots to think about still and am constantly feeling, feeling, feeling... It will be good to get a break on my own these next five days without Mono until I fly to meet him. I miss him though and wonder if that will ever change when he goes away.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-03-2012 at 02:38 AM.
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  #1537  
Old 12-07-2012, 10:05 PM
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It's my birthday today. Very strange to get a happy birthday from the forum I moderate.

I'm sitting in the airport in Toronto on my way to meet up with Mono in his home city. Its been a quiet week without him and I am nervous about meeting up. I spent the week with my other loves and mostly by myself.

I had a wonderful birthday treat from Derby. She took us to a spa and we got a massage, and other wonderful pamperings. I was thrilled. I had several cries and was so grateful to her for her generosity and care. I love her so much.

I allowed myself to root to the ground and reminded myself to give up my fears and lack of trust and replace them with love and acceptance of what is to come and what is. I used the time to be in my body and nurture myself. The energy I was holding in the form of fear, self hatred and regret disappeared for a time and I was free of it. It was all pulled out of me for that night. Afterward we went to a Thai restaurant and had a good laugh with our smeared makeup, tussled greasy hair and rosy skin. Such an amazing night

I have been doing my best to look after myself this last while by journaling, thinking, pondering small things and taking stock. I have been thiniing of ways to occupy myself in the future during the possible new time of not hanging out with Mono. Occasionally I panic and feel tremendous fear. I don't get a lot of reassurance from Mono about us being okay. He doesn't seem to let on anything of any substance and then I have to remind myself that he is on holiday and that he is having a good time while I am at work and life goes on. The space he has had is noticeable. For me its just been him absent. Then again, he doesn't communicate much anyway. I toss everything back and forth and don't settle on anything solid that makes me feel insecure and then I panic more. Its getting tiresome and I am almost to the point of just pushing all of it away. I worry that if I do too much I will push him away for good and throw my hands up. Patience, patience and waiting.

There have been useful moments of solitude where I have put myself in the shoes of him, the woman he was/is in love with and then myself. Its been useful to help me understand what his position is and how I possibly felt the same as he does at one point with Leo in my life. I don't know what she went and is going through, but I can imagine and that is good enough. It all boils down to knowing that I will be fine if I know the women he wants to be with and have a chance to find my own relationship with them, however remote. I continue to grapple with the secrecy he requires. The disposibility of the women he wants in his life and his lack of caring that they are cheating or that he would be as I won't consent.

So, here we go. Ready to see where we at. I don't know if we will get any further in figuring out what to do or not during this trip. I intend to go and enjoy myself regardless. Take in a city I have not been in before and take care of me as best I can.
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  #1538  
Old 12-09-2012, 04:47 AM
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RP, happy birthday. I am glad you and Derby had a nice spa and dinner time.

As for Mono, I don't know anything but what you've posted over the years, but I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get 2 more bfs, and he has drawn away as he said he would. Your style of doing polyamory is not his... he's off doing his own thing... He lost the feeling of specialness he had, I think. His RP having 5 lovers was too much for him to handle.

I could be totally off base. Just my outsider's perspective.

I am sorry he won't communicate and make a new agreement, or a clean break. You're in limbo and that is a terrible place to be.
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  #1539  
Old 12-09-2012, 12:58 PM
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Thanks for writing Magdlyn I've been reading your blog too I love catching up with your life.

Your point is well taken. I forgot he mentioned that many years ago. I will ask him his thoughts on that. When we actually talk about all this again.

We have been having a really good holiday so far. I've met everyone in Mono's family and am getting on well with his parents. I feel as if I have a glimpse of his life I didn't know before and a new understanding of who he is. Knowing something of his childhood and the culture he grew up in will be helpful I think.
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  #1540  
Old 12-10-2012, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
. . . I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get 2 more bfs, and he has drawn away as he said he would.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Your point is well taken. I forgot he mentioned that many years ago. I will ask him his thoughts on that.
I am very surprised to read that you forgot about that, RP. I thought that was a major term in your agreement with Mono. He has discussed it extensively here, in numerous threads, I recall. I mentioned this to you in June when I said:
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you.
And you and I had a little convo surrounding this -- but in re-reading your responses now, it seems you talked about your connection to Mono needing healing but at the same time you seem to have kind of avoided the fact that he had said he'd disengage if you ever hooked up with a new man after him. I also think it's significant where you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I naively believed in the monogamous dream with him and that's gone. It was like one last ditch effort to think that someone could love me and love me only. I feel stupid about it.
I think that somewhere you fantasized about having your own little monogamous bubble with him while you also pursued other loves. Maybe because your love was so strong, you thought he didn't really mean it when he said he'd start severing his connection if there were any more guys in your life. He wanted to be your last one. Surely, Mono was surprised that he could have feelings for more than one woman, but the distance you are feeling now is something that he prepared you for all along.

I know it sucks to wake up and see something that one has been denying or shutting our eyes to something that was always very clearly stated. Maybe he will change his stance and be able to accept your having additional men in your life, or maybe not, but you are strong and will get through whatever the outcome is. Relationships aren't meant to stay the same forever, anyway. Dynamics change flow and morph into something new all the time as the people change.

I know you will be okay, no matter what. Glad you had a wonderful birthday.
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