Question about meeting new potentials

[NovaFlutterhusky]

So I have been involved in the poly world all of a year almost and there is something that is bothering me a bit. Is it really this hard to meet another poly person or a couple looking for another male? I mean, I am the most open-minded person in the world (also Pansexual) and I am finding that it feels near impossible to even find anyone interested no matter where I post an ad or anything. Is there just something that I am missing? Are my ads too dull or do they just demand too much? Am I too blunt? I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and it really bothers me. My Love can put ads up herself and have people flock to her (Though, the thought there is because she is female biologically). Is it just hard to be a poly male looking for a poly female or a couple that can help meet his needs in ways his primary can't? Is it because i'm in the middle of Pennsylvania?

I welcome all advice and any feedback. Also feel free to note me as well if you wish to talk further on this subject.

[nondy2]

Hi,

We have found that there is a gender imbalance in all directions. We used Cupid and my husband had a hard time meeting anyone, at first. I got tons of messages. So, don't fret, it's definitely not personal!

I can speak to what I responded to online. I responded to guys who took the time to write out a long - thought out message, guys who engaged me about the books I read, or guys who were witty. I ended up dating someone who actually sent two messages and second-guessed himself in the second message, this showed me some humanity and gentleness.

I DIDN'T respond to guys who wrote one word or mentioned sex right away or wrote how are you/ etc. Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Anneintherain]

I think OKC is good, my husband has had lots of luck there and after recently reactivating my profile on there, I think I know why.

Most messages I get are "Hi I like your pictures and your smile" with nothing at all about anything in my profile. Make sure you don't do that. Even a poly guy who was a 96% match just sent me a "I'm in town tonight, are you free?" That makes me have zero desire to get to know them at all, its lazy and a turn off.

Make sure the messages you are sending people are relevant to their profile, call out if you have hobbies in common or they say something you want to know more about, and don't write to them if you're only writing to them because you find them attractive, write to them if you like what you read too (I mean if you're just looking for casual stuff and dont care if it leads to a great relationship, I hear a lot of good things about craigslist)

Have you asked your female partner for input? If she knows you well she could help remind you what awesome qualities you have that she'd want to know about when deciding if she wanted to write back to you or not.

[sparklepop]

Hi,

I sympathise! I was having the same feeling recently on OK Cupid. I am a woman primarily looking for other poly women, and I am finding that tough. When I set my profile to bisexual, about 15-20 men message me every day and no women whatsoever. When I change it to 'gay', I still have to do the searching with women and I'm not coming up with a lot at all.

My girlfriend is a Dominant woman looking for submissive boys. They are ten-a-penny in the San Fran area. Like your OH, men flock to her.

Her husband was really struggling to get any contact with women online. I went in and edited his profile for him and changed some of his pictures. Since then, he's had to do most of the looking, but he's been getting some good replies, instead of no replies.

The changes I made were things like:
- his username had 69 in it, because it was the date of a vintage car he used to have. Changed that! Haha.
- he talked about his job too much and not a lot else
- he showed no passion for anything
- he seemed lukewarm about being poly
- at first, he didn't even say that he was poly, in case it scared women away
- under 'what are you doing with your life', he had put something like 'just making the best of it, I guess, lol' - I changed that and added more interests and joy

I think it's definitely true that women, in general, get more messages. It could be the stereotypical thing of 'men hunt, women like to be hunted'. I have not found many women who have been willing to do the hunting themselves.

It's also true that women can get inundated with messages that are impersonal, like other people have said. In a sea of 'hey, ur hot', you have to stand out by being genuine and, yes, talking about what you have read on their profile.

Also try changing your picture periodically. On FetLife, I used to have a picture of me from a distance, against a wall. I would rarely get messages. Now I have a closeup of my face, looking quite intense and Mistressy... hahaha... and I've had many more messages since then. Sometimes it's trial and error - what you think looks good may not attract people. Even if you do look good, not everyone will be attracted. Also, if you change it every few weeks, you are less likely to get skimmed over by people who have seen your picture before.

You are definitely welcome to send me a message with your username and I can check it out for you and maybe give you some pointers. But I totally understand if you want to remain anonymous!

[Helo]

I'm convinced there is some sort of voodoo magic involved with OkCupid (the same magic that enables my ladyfriend to shake slightly, snap her fingers, and have her bra appear in her hand without having to move any other article of clothing).

From the horror stories I've seen (and to a small degree experienced) I had thought I'd have a MUCH easier time. I took a look at some other guys' profiles on there and...wow. I'm nowhere NEAR a prime cut and I readily acknowledge this, but I still felt like Michael Phelps at a high school swim meet.

Men in general seem to have a harder time with online dating simply because there are SO many other men doing it. Even if you're awesome, you have to get noticed amongst a pack of guys whose greatest accomplishment in life is crushing TWO (count 'em, two) beer cans at once on their forehead.

[Tonberry]

It can be difficult. I've been practicing poly (or at least trying to) for about five years now, and I've only found one person interested in it (my current boyfriend of two and a half years). Everyone else I have approached has been uninterested in dating someone who already has a boyfriend/ is not planning on being exclusive.

Mind you, I don't spend my time on dating sites or in bars or anything like that, I just ask out guys in person when I'm interested in them, and I guess I can be picky (I wouldn't date someone I don't feel I can trust and be friends with, and while there can be special people you connect with right away, I tend to be slower at making such connections).

But yes, I have found it can take years to find partners you are truly compatible with. The way I see it though, it's better than ending up in miserable relationships.

[RfromRMC]

Originally Posted by NovaFlutterhusky

Is there just something that I am missing? Are my ads too dull or do they just demand too much? Am I too blunt? I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and it really bothers me. My Love can put ads up herself and have people flock to her (Though, the thought there is because she is female biologically). Is it just hard to be a poly male looking for a poly female or a couple that can help meet his needs in ways his primary can't? Is it because i'm in the middle of Pennsylvania?

All that could be factors.
Women in poly do tend to have less trouble finding possible partners. That's well known.
You mention location---geography is always a huge factor. What do you know of the poly population in your region? Have you reached out and made friends? Are there even a pool of potential partners anywhere near you?? That's very key and not something to be overlooked!
Also think about your requirements---are anything negotiable? Ever stretch your boundaries? Have you ever turned down anyone interested---and if so, think about why?


Limitless possibilities.