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  #21  
Old 12-08-2012, 04:31 AM
amk amk is offline
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LovingRadiance: Thank-you, I’m trying to breath. I think, maybe I’m trying to take on too much at once. I'm putting the cart before the horse

Love2Bake: I feel broken and I’m certain I’m taking things personally that I shouldn’t be. I'm sure that the day will come when I will be sure of how I feel about poly whether I join in or not. I need to seek security in myself, first.

Daysleeper: It’s been a rough year, to be sure. It began with my wife telling me about her attraction to other men, then about her desire for polyamory. There is more, but it has since been “fixed”. I had a vasectomy several years ago because my wife couldn’t be on birth control (we tried them all). Every since then, my sex drive slowly declined and I was beginning to experience symptoms of ED. My wife brought it up to me shortly after all this began, which it doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out, was devastating to me. I have since gone to the doctor and found out I had a testosterone deficiency which, once corrected, is no longer a problem. Quite the opposite, I feel like a 22 year old again and want my wife nearly every day. Other than that, we have no financial issues at all, I get along with my in-laws (although my Mom and I are currently at odds) and we both have very fulfilling jobs that we are excelling in. This is pretty much the only thing that is causing issue.

Dingedheart: She is aware I have an account here, but I asked her to refrain from joining for now. This is my outlet for things I either can’t or don’t want to talk to her about. Now, there is some bleed-over between the two, but for the most part, this is just for me to learn, grow and figure out how I feel.

Snowmelt: You make some good points, but I would like to point out that while my wife has expressed a desire for polyamory, she, herself isn’t sure it will work for her. She has clearly done a lot more soul searching and figuring out what she wants than I have had the opportunity to, but she isn’t moving forward without me. She is waiting for me to figure out if it’s something I think I can handle and whether I want to join or decline. THAT is why I am having a hard time hearing “suck it up” because I am at the cusp of a massive change (and I know I can’t go back). We have a child, as well, which is also a primary focus of mine and one that I haven’t really explored on this board at all.

GalaGirl: You are right in many ways. I think “you have a lot to digest” is an understatement. I also think I went overboard with things on the exact same night my Mom emailed me to tell me that the relationship she and I had (a very close friendship) is over due to some differences of opinion. As far as my support system goes, we have one mutual friend who has similar ideals with my wife as far as poly goes. I can talk to her and plan to soon, but she’s a mother of 4 and quite busy. My wife asked that I keep other friends and family out of it since we have a large number of mutual friends and acquaintances. My Mom used to be a major part of my support system, but I lost that last night when she wrote me off. I guess when it rains, it pours… As far as communication with my wife, we have always been strong in this area. Our 12 years together have taught us to talk effectively about what’s bothering us. I think my wife is feeling guilty for laying this at my feet, so it hurts her to see me obsessing and last night was the worst of it. I read too much, got freaked out and then couldn’t get my emotions under control.

After reading everyone’s posts, I just want to say thank you. After I talked with my wife today, I explained that yesterday was a “perfect storm” and I had felt abandoned and alone. She understood, but was still upset. I left it at that and have decided to take a break from thinking about this for a while. I may PM some of you in the future, so until then, thanks and I will be back.
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  #22  
Old 12-08-2012, 07:54 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amk View Post
She is aware I have an account here, but I asked her to refrain from joining for now. This is my outlet for things I either can’t or don’t want to talk to her about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amk View Post
As far as communication with my wife, we have always been strong in this area. Our 12 years together have taught us to talk effectively about what’s bothering us.
These two statements directly contradict each other. If the first statement is true, the second cannot be true. Why would you not want to talk to your wife (your self proclaimed best friend that you want to be your one and only) about something? Do you think that not talking to your wife about something is going to bring the two of you closer together?

Last edited by snowmelt; 12-08-2012 at 08:01 AM.
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  #23  
Old 12-08-2012, 08:30 AM
amk amk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
These two statements directly contradict each other. If the first statement is true, the second cannot be true. Why would you not want to talk to your wife (your self proclaimed best friend that you want to be your one and only) about something? Do you think that not talking to your wife about something is going to bring the two of you closer together?
I feel like you are over-simplifying this. There are things that I need to figure out that I don't necessarily want to bring up to my wife until I'm ready. Privacy of thoughts doesn't automatically mean poor communication. A great example is what happened the other night: I was in a self-induced tail spin and my wife got frustrated with my insistance on obsessing. In fact, she told me it scared her to see me like that (background: I'm usually very logical and grounded).

I already told her that what is on this site is for me, right now. When I'm ready, I will show her every post I've made from start to finish. Til then, this is where I get to be weak, scared, insecure, hurt and curious and in my mind, that's OK.
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  #24  
Old 12-08-2012, 08:54 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amk View Post
I feel like you are over-simplifying this.
I pointed out two sentences, written in your own words, that directly contradict each other. Your repsonse is to defend yourself. That tells me I have discovered an unresolved core issue between you and your wife. You isolate yourself from her when you feel the need to. Poly brings to the surface all unresolved issues between partners. This is one of yours that is coming to the surface. You can take a close look at it now, or you can wait for another opportunity ( drama ) to look at it later. Your choice.
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  #25  
Old 12-08-2012, 09:46 AM
Daysleeper Daysleeper is offline
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In my opinion, the sentences are not contradictory. Part of having good communication is knowing what to say, who to say it to, and when and how. Sorting through thoughts is not something that has to be done out loud, in real time with a partner. It's often good to think through what you want to say before you say it. This forum gives amk an outlet for doing so, and his wife is aware of this and accepts it.

Amk's wife has many other resources available to her for sorting this out, and she may not feel the loss of this one (not to say there isn't helpful advice here). If amk's wife really wanted to be here and he tried to restrict her, that would be one thing, but for all we know his wife has no desire to read here.

My husband and I don't read each other's emails or listen in on one another's phone conversations. Is it because we have communication issues or because we hide things from one another? No. We just both feel entitled to some measure of privacy.
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  #26  
Old 12-08-2012, 10:13 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I don't have a huge problem with those sentences either. I think the first one quoted didn't have the word YET at the end which was cleared up later.

When your marriage has been turn upside down some people need time to process and calmly gain prospective without constant emotional back and forth of opposing view points.

My wife and I saw a marriage counselor and we had joint sessions and individual sessions if she asked me what I discussed I'd usually had no problems telling her because I thought that was the point ...however she rarely would do the same to her that was private. Not sure that's a core issue of her's or ours or just a preference.
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  #27  
Old 12-08-2012, 10:40 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daysleeper View Post
It's possible your wife's desire to be with other men has caused the problems in your marriage, but it is also possible that it has not. Are you so focused on this information that you are overlooking other issues? Since your wife is willing to wait awhile, I might put some energy into resolving preexisting issues rather than focusing completely on this one.
The point you made here was very insightful. I pointed out a clear contradiction I see in his words. Contradictions point right to unresolved issues. I found one. In effect, I began to answer your question. Unresolved issues are made of pain. No one really wants to look at their pain. Looking at it is the only way to resolve it. Until they do, their problems persist. I want to encourage him to look at his pain, so he sees what I see and can begin to get through it.

If someone gets defensive or angry when their pain is pointed out to them, that means their not ready to look at it yet. That's fine. I respect that. The when and how it gets resolved is always up to them. The fact is, that pain will show up later in some form if it is not addressed now. I pointed out that fact, because I want him to know.

I understand your point about communication. You don't have to be totally open to your partner, but just imagine the intimacy you can achieve with your partner if you are.
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  #28  
Old 12-08-2012, 10:53 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Snowmelt,

Define defensive and angry.

Merely explaining a comment doesn't mean defensive. What in his words gave the impression he was angry with you.?

You found what ?

What core issue do I have by responding to this again.

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-08-2012 at 11:05 AM.
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  #29  
Old 12-08-2012, 11:04 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Define defensive and angry.
The place someone usually goes when they are not ready to look right at something and acknowledge it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Merely explaining a comment doesn't mean defensive.
I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What in his words gave the impression he was angry with you.?
Nothing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You found what?
A core issue in the marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What core issue do have by responding to this again.
I don't understand this question.
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  #30  
Old 12-08-2012, 11:46 AM
amk amk is offline
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Red face Whoa...

I feel like this is getting out of control.

If there are any issues between my wife and I, we have the tools to work them out. I've been married for 12 years and when my wife explained everything, she said that she didn't start feeling this way until early this year. That tells me we were doing ok for most of the marriage, so I'm pretty sure we can navigate this, too.

I appreciate the insights and I'm not calling anyone wrong. I'm confused and hurt and certainly pretty ignorant about all this- which is why I'm here. I could have just rejected everything she told me, and I'd be on my way to divorce or a very one-sided marriage happiness wise. That having been said, I'm a type-A personality, so forcing stuff down my throat doesn't work, either. I'll find the answers in my own time and I thank all of you for giving me plenty to consider.
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