Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 12-07-2012, 09:41 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default I am trying to hear what you are saying.

Chipmunk and I have no relationship. We are currently more like casual acquaintances/roommates. I can really only state the obvious. That she does need to move out on her own. Basically I have been telling Airyn that I don't like this arrangement it doesn't work for me. I told him almost 2 months ago now, that I don't care that he has a girlfriend, but I don't want her living with me. (I have actually told Airyn this multiple times, unfortunately I was also very emotional and/or angry so it was being blown off I think.) However, her moving out is not my decision to make, or not just my decision to make.

I have also talked with Chipmunk multiple times about how she feels, and what she wants/needs. Several times I have asked her to find a way to be able to talk to me, and Airyn about things. This is not happening. I have talked with Airyn about how we have been doing things for Chipmunk that we wouldn't do for Wolf, that we allow Chipmunk to do/act in ways we do not allow Wolf, and that this has to change. Airyn is not fast to make these changes, I am not either. Part of that is that we do feel responsible.

We both feel to varying degrees that we talked Chipmunk into this arrangement, and told her all these things that didn't work out. So we feel guilt (to varying degrees) over things not working the way we had described.

I'm listening, and I'm thinking.
I've been overtly emotional recently.
I've also been doing a lot of reading, research, learning.
I have a lot to think about.
I do understand that people should be accept for who they are. I was presented with a person who expressed her self as something that turned out to not be so. When someone moves in with you, you learn more things about them. Some things are good, some are bothersome, and some can be obnoxious. I have heard about many relationships that were wonderful till after the couple moved in together, and found out that certain traits/habits we not acceptable.

The way Chipmunk happens to be does not work for me in this situation. Would it be ok in a different situation? Possibly, just not in this one.
I told Airyn that if she lived else where, and Wolf and I did not have to see and hear some of these things, then it would not be an issue, he could be in a relationship with her how ever he wants. Since she lives with me, she has to be just as willing as I am to make things comfortable at home. Airyn asked me to be more calm, to help him by finding a way to cope and reduce the stress levels in the house. I have done as much as I can, or as much as I am willing to (the same thing right?) They have both acknowledged (after she and I broke up) that what they are asking of me may be too much. So now I'm saying that yes I can not continue to live this way. I am also giving them the chance to find a way that will allow all of us to live together. Chipmunk can say Ok, I see you don't like how I am, and we can't live together. I will move out. She does not want to do this, and Airyn also does not want her to move out.

Another problem that I have yet to talk much about is that Chipmunk does not react well to me. As in she has begun to dislike me in general. Avoiding being around me, getting moody when we are all together. This makes Airyn feel like he has to be close to her to reduce the potential drama. He told me that he thinks it's jealousy. That I have what she wants, marriage, long term relationship. I can't change that, and I'm not leaving. We presented ourselves as a married couple, as a unit, a packaged deal. She chose to accept what we offered, as much as we chose to accept what she said she was offering (or willing to try). Things didn't work, and have been broken for a long while. I'm reading these forums, learning new things, and trying them on for size. Trying to cope with a situation I don't like, and did not want.

Right now All I can do is shake my head. I'm tired, drained, fed-up. Yes I know we made a mistake. I talked to Airyn about this a long time ago, and we still talk about it some times. The whole thing moved way to fast. To fast for me, to fast for Chipmunk, and to fast for Airyn. It didn't work out, and now we are here. I don't know if this can be fixed, right now I'm resistant to working on having a relationship with Chipmunk at all. I have talked to Airyn about this. It stems from my need for healing. I'm mourning is what I have read here. I'm mourning the loss of my ideals, the loss of something I wanted that didn't work, the end of a relationship. This is new and different for me. lol I have more than 10 tabs open in my browser about communications, loss, grief, how to open, more than two, and so many others.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 12-17-2012, 08:07 AM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Developments: Part 1

Synapsis:

Friday was the roommate comment, Saturday Airyn spent his time out as a couple with Chipmunk, and didn't spend time out with me as a couple or as a family.

The following week:
Monday on the way to Airyn's photography class i tell him about the email I'm writing and he agrees to read it, and offer his advice/suggestions.

Tuesday we take Chipmunk to get her first Tattoo, A piece of Art Airyn drew for her. He's excited to have his art on another person. She's excited to be getting her tattoo she had Airyn draw it up a couple months ago. It's a good day, everyone is getting along, and I feel uncomfortable shattering that with the email so put it off for later after getting Airyn's idea on it.

Wednesday I sent Chipmunk that email

Thursday Airyn and Chipmunk spent the whole day out together with a few moments here and there at the house.

Friday Airyn and I argued about the email. Me telling him that he should have been talking with Chipmunk about these things as they came up instead of me sending her that email. And then we argued about Fridays being just me and him as much as possible. Meaning that Chipmunk should not be making plans for the two of them on Fridays at all. It started with me strongly suggesting she find something to do out of the hour for several hours before she has to be to work. Airyn Trying to make this suggestion seem unrealistic, me sticking to it. In the end we decided to go out ourselves the next Friday.

Saturday Chipmunk is calm, making a B-day cake for her step-dad, and spending most of the day with her family. Airyn and I actually get some awkward quality time (for the first time this week).

This past week:
Monday, Airyn says he wants to spend some time with me, then a couple hours later when we can he changes his mind saying he needs to work on a school project. I received a message from History, and she and I message back and forth for a little bit. Airyn starts quizzing me about being mad at him for him deciding to work on school stuff. Than he decides to lay down with me, but it feels rushed (to me) and as if he's coming to me because he feels obligated, So nothing happens, and we argue. He's got only a very short time before he has to leave to get Chipmunk from work, and he points this out which only solidifies my response.

Tuesday, Airyn cuddles with me for a few mins at my bedtime and tells me that after Monday night he's just going to wait to lay down with me till Friday telling me that I obviously need some quality time, and maybe spending Friday together will help.

Wednesday, Chipmunk is off, Airyn and I have talked about going out to get coffee, but Chipmunk gets ready so I tell Airyn I'm not going.
They get back and Airyn tells me Chipmunk doesn't know how to handle me not going out with them. I tell him it's easy if she going I'm not, If she's not going then I'll go. Wednesday, her day off, she can go. That evening Airyn starts making a spreadsheet showing where he spends his time, and asks me to set up some calculations for him. Till now he has adamantly refused any suggestions that include him scheduling time with me, or Chipmunk, or any one else for that matter.

Thursday we are all in the kitchen Breakfast, and coffee. Airyn and Chipmunk talking about Chipmunk getting to visit with her grandmother next time we go visit Airyn mom (they are only a few hours away). I subtly try to find out how we are going to get Chipmunk to her grandmother with out her introducing Airyn as her boyfriend and me as a roommate. From what Airyn is saying we will have Wolf with us too, so it sounds like I'm going up there with my family, but can't be part of my family. He's not getting it so I say it point blank. Chipmunk isn't telling her family about us, and I'm not going over there with my family and pretending like I'm not there, don't exist, or not part of the family. Chipmunk leaves the room, Airyn and I argue.

This is where things get more interesting.

Airyn is telling me that it's not a plan yet, that its several months away, that this could have come up later in a month or two months. I tell him that if I don't say anything then no one will think about it. That Chipmunk needs to think about what she is asking me to do and actually talk about it. That I'm not sitting in the car while she introduces him as her boyfriend and ignores my existence. That I'm not doing that again, that the roommate things is a very sore point for me, and that he should have seen that from the moment it happened, and all the conversations he and I have had since. That if he didn't want my comments then he should have had that conversation in private. I told him I'm done being considerate, and ignored. Things calm down and we move on. Friday he and I have plans to go out between 11 and noon a be out for several hours. Chipmunk is aware of this, and is just staying at the house.

Then he pulls up the Spreadsheet that I have added his calculations too, and we work out how it should look based on how this week has been going so far, and what the up coming plans are. Chipmunk says she doesn't like his spreadsheet. I don't comment other then to help figure out what time is spent doing what where. Airyn up till know has said he can not and won't schedule time. Now he's showing that he is willing to change this attitude. Airyn tells me that Chipmunk doesn't like the spreadsheet because she feels she'll be losing time with him. I tell him I don't much care if it makes her uncomfortable that he really needs to see that what I have been saying is real, and start working with me to change things. He tells me that everyone knows I'm not getting time. I tell him this isn't true that they have both continued to act as if I'm being unreasonable (I give him so recent examples). I tell him that Chipmunk should be losing some time alone with him, that he needs to be working at being my partner. He asks me if I learned anything or saw anything unexpected in the spreadsheet, i tell him, "No, I've always known That I have been getting the short end of things." And I tell him that i hope the two of them seeing it laid out like this will help to move things in a more positive direction. I also tell him that I see the plans we have for this weekend being a good start at repairing some of the damage.

Thursday night, Friday morning (I'm at work) Airyn tells me they were up late talking. About the roommate comment. This is what he tells me:

Chipmunk says that she should be able to go out and tell people that Airyn is her boyfriend, that I should not have thought otherwise. Airyn tells her that my issue with the roommate comment wasn't about her calling him her boyfriend its that her decision and the response when questioned shut me out. It left me no place by Airyn side, or to be at her store as a family. Even though we are well known as a family. She also talks about deciding who Airyn will be "out as a couple" with before leaving the house so we can still all go out as a group. They also talk about long outings when to switch off and such.

Friday Airyn is really tired from being up so late, and doesn't want to wake up. We get up start on coffee, and head out to half-price books for coffee, and book browsing later then we planned. On our way to Half-price Airyn is telling me about the conversation with Chipmunk the night before. Talking about being able to go out as a group, and deciding before we leave how things will roll. I tell him at first that I don't think I'm up for trying that again right now. He continues explaining. That if it's my day off then he's out with me, If it's Chipmunk's day off then he's out with her. That if we both have off we'll have to figure things out before we leave. If it's something for Wolf then He'll be out as a family with me and Wolf. I tell him that this is sounding like something that could work, and that I'd be ok with trying this out. He then tells me that Chipmunk is going to talk to me tonight after she gets home from work about her job. He asks me to be calm and just to listen to what she's going to say. I tell him I'll try. He asks if I want to hear it from him first so I can be prepared. I ask if he thinks my knowing will make it easier for me to just listen. He says maybe, and thinks about it for a while. Then he tells me that Chipmunk has decided that she is prepared to deal with her co-workers. That she doesn't like that I feel I can no longer go up there. That I won't shop in her store any more. They have talked about what to say. That we are all really good friends, or that He and I are best friends from high school. She has decided that if anyone asks for further details she will decide what to tell them based on who they are, and how comfortable she is with that person. Either way she is willing to allow me to openly shop as a couple with Airyn, or as a family with Airyn and Wolf.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 12-17-2012, 08:15 AM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Developments: Part 2

After dropping Chipmunk off at work I tell Airyn that I have something I want to go out and do while Chipmunk is at the Mall with her mom on Saturday. I tell him about it, about the times and such, and we agree we'll go after we drop off Chipmunk, I ask if he wants to bring Wolf, and tell him that I don't mind it'll be fun. Airyn tells me that Chipmunk wants to do some shopping before going to meet her mom, and he's asking if I'm ok with them getting up really early to go out (since it's my day). I tell him that's fine that I wasn't originally expecting to have any time Saturday, so I feel like it's a bonus. Friday night Airyn and I go out to dinner, come home take Wolf out to see Christmas lights, and then head home to nap. Airyn was up late, and I had worked all night so we were sleepy. Chipmunk gets off, comes home, and she and I do not have that conversation.

Saturday morning early, Chipmunk's mom cancels their plan, she briefly wakes Airyn telling him that they don't have to go out so early. Airyn just agrees and falls right back to sleep (he barely remembers). I wake up an hour or so later, and wake them up in time to take Chipmunk to the Mall, then I find out that's been canceled. Everyone gets up and Airyn and Chipmunk head to the kitchen for coffee makings. Airyn send Chipmunk into the bedroom to talk to me.

She and I have the conversation about her job, and about going out as a group. She tells me I should still be able to go to her job with Airyn, or with him and Wolf. I tell her about her being uncomfortable and how I didn't see that going anywhere good once her co-workers start talking behind her back about her involvement with a family man. She says it's not right that I won't go up there, so I tell her it was the only comfortable choice I had available. Then she talks about the not going out as a group thing (her and Airyn were getting ready to go out for their shopping trip). She's telling me that she doesn't want that, that she wants me to go out with them today, that to her it's separation, and that it's not good. I point out that I was again doing the only comfortable thing available to me. I agree to go out with the two of them, She making a couple stops that are of no interest to me, so I say those are her places, and that we can split the rest. It ends up being to nebulous for Airyn, but shopping trips were never the issue to begin with. However it is still a good exercise to see how this might work, and start fleshing out this idea. Sadly this experiment meant that Airyn and I did not get to go out just the two of us the to market art event I was interested in. I tell him that I'm disappointed, he asks when it's over and I tell him just before Chipmunk has to be to work.

We have a good evening, have some real quality time. Intimate, and tender, and full of love. He likes it when I place in hand at just the right spot for him to feel himself moving within me. After we hop in the shower for more cuddling. Then to the kitchen to make food stuffs. I'm making Mandelbrot (almond bread like biscotti), and then some Latke's. We are actually atheist, but celebrate Hanukkah with Wolf as my family is Jewish even if I've never participated in that religion. He tells me that Chipmunk and her mom are planning to have their mall outing on Sunday. I tell him that means we may get a few hours to ourselves again. I also pull up his spreadsheet to update how things actually went Friday and Saturday. I tell him that we need to make plans and stick to them. That I understand Chipmunk can't control her mom canceling things, but that this isn't the first time her mom has messed up plans. He agrees, but we put off talking more about it till later. Neither of us want to have an argument.

Sunday I talk more with Airyn (after we drop Chipmunk off for lunch with her family) about making plans and sticking to them. I'm helping him add next week to his spreadsheet, and we are getting some basic plans together. I tell him that we really need to stick to our plan, that this week ended up being no different from the previous weeks this month. That I get that Chipmunk can't control her mom's cancellations, and that she still wanted to do her shopping. I tell him going as a group was the right thing to do in this case. It's like giving Chipmunk a positive for finally being willing to talk to me about these things. I tell him that I could have said, "I'm sorry your mom canceled, and I know you want to shop; however, Airyn and I have plans and are going out shortly just us." But I didn't. I tell him he could have done the same thing, and that we could have promised to do the shopping thing on Sunday afternoon instead.

When Chipmunk gets home we find out that she is making plans to visit with her family for most of Friday, so that Airyn and I can still have our Friday even though she happens to have it off. I tell her about the plans I was making for Thursday (her other day off) to be out of the house and give them the majority of the day at home. Everything seems to be acceptable on either end, and couple time is showing to be evening out. At least till the dates get here.

I'm optimistic, but also afraid. I'm worried that this it temporary. Things are getting better between Airyn and I. We had a reasonable amount of alone time (half of which we were a sleep) on Friday. Saturday we really connected, and my confidence was running high so that I kissed him like we used to. He giggled afterwards, and I got all shyish and said he was laughing at me. He grinned and said we hadn't kissed like that in a long time. I just hugged him and said I know, and left it alone. Airyn and I are being more openly flirty with each other again, he's more interested in touch then he's been in months, and I feel better. Not whole, but better then I have in a long while. I told him this, that I've really enjoyed his company this weekend, and that I'm starting to feel better. A couple days is not a trend, nor does it repair months of neglect and rejections, but it is a beginning. I see good things being possible.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 12-18-2012, 02:55 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Another wrinkle:

Another wrinkle:
Chipmunk has been having an unacceptable attitude towards/about Wolf.
This started just after she started getting over the email from me.
First she was pointing out the mess Wolf makes, and leaves around the house. Then She started on aggressively suggesting what she terms "tough love". She told me that we should not allow Wolf to make ramen as her late evening snack because Wolf doesn't clean up her bowl, and leaves it on her computer desk at bed time. The first time I just nodded at her, but basically ignored it. Well except I told Airyn about as he wasn't in the room at the time. I told him that she's only bring this up because of the email. Airyn's said that at least she's commiserating with him now instead of saying that Wolf is just a kid. I point out that Wolf is just a kid, and that she get into trouble for these things. That she looses privileges (like computer time) for not cleaning up after herself on a regular basis. The second time I tell her good luck with that, and, Airyn tells her that isn't punishing Wolf it's punishing him. Wolf still has to eat, and if she can't make her own ramen then he has to make something else for her instead. So her next suggestion (third time) was that Wolf not be allowed to use bowls since she's not willing to clean then. I laughed at her and asked how was Wolf supposed to eat if she can't use a bowl. Airyn suggested that Wolf eat out of the pot instead. I glared at him and tell him that's not a solution.

Then Monday morning I'm getting up and ready for work (around midnight). I'm just walking into the kitchen, and Chipmunk tells me that we shouldn't allow Wolf to use cups any more as she has again left her cup out on her desk. I get rude, and tell her I'm not doing that Wolf is 12. A minute or two later she leaves for the bedroom. I tell Airyn again that Chipmunk is only saying this because of the email she received. That if she keeps on I'll be telling her that I can treat her how she wants me to treat Wolf. I can come home to Chipmunk's dirty dishes in the bedroom, and tell her she can no longer use cups, or bowl, and I can take her laptop away as well if that's what she wants. I tell Airyn that she needs to back off. He tells me to calm down and let it go. I tell him ok, I haven't even had a cup of coffee yet.

After work I still find that I feel the same way. So it's not lack of coffee, or fatigue. It's something that has to be taken care of. Airyn and Chipmunk walk to her job, and I leave about 10 mins later so I can meet up with Airyn and walk home with him. On the way home I tell him that he needs to talk to her about this. That her attitude isn't cool, and that she's digging herself a grave telling us how to discipline our kid. He say that last time her told her that we aren't willing to destroy our relationship with Wolf over dirty dishes. I also tell him that we aren't abusive parents and that telling a kid they can't use cups and bowl is unreasonable, how is she supposed to eat and drink if she can't use the dishes? I tell him that for someone who's told him that she doesn't want kids cause she thinks she'd make a poor mother she has no room to tell us how to raise Wolf. That we've been doing fine for 12 years I think we can handle it. He agrees and says he'll talk to her. I tell him that the best time for him to say something will be the next time Wolf leaves something out and Chipmunk says something to him about it. I say that I'm assuming she says something to him first before bring it to me. He again says he'll take care of it. I tell him I want to be sure that he doesn't put it off. I tell him I was rather sharp with her that morning about it and that it will only get worse if she comes at me again. Then I tell him that it is basically a guarantee that Wolf will leave either her food bowl or a cup out again tonight.

This morning I hear nothing about Wolf's dishes, so I'm hoping they had that talk, but they are still a sleep so I'll have to wait to find out.

I also told Airyn that Chipmunk needs to watch it with getting rude at Takara and calling her uncouth. That I can and will do the same to her if she keeps on. Again I reinforce that he needs to talk to her about these things now. I'll be reminding him today, and telling him that there won't be another email from me 3 months from now. These have to be cleared up now not later.

I see this as Chipmunk being spiteful/vindictive over the email she received. I also view this as a problem that Airyn has allowed to crop up. If he had talked with Chipmunk about each item on that email as they came up, instead of waiting for me to get fed up with it then this situation wouldn't be happening. He should also be backing me up when I say I'm not doing one of her suggestions. If she is making those suggestions to him he should be telling her up front that she's being unreasonable, and unrealistic.

I looked back over some of the emails I wrote to Airyn (and didn't send) and noticed several comments in early September about his issues with the state of our place. So from that I know he has had an issue with Chipmunk's mess for at least three months before I sent her that email. I knew he and I had talked about it multiple times, I just didn't realize for how long he had been complaining at me about it. I knew I had commented to him that I didn't like how Chipmunk talks to him since some time in October. Basically the only person who these issue were "new" for was Chipmunk. I could have brought them to her sooner, but really it was Airyn's complaining that pushed me to send the email. Well that and his inability to talk to Chipmunk about how she orders him around. Up till I sent that email I had only pointed out to him that he was complaining to the wrong person, that it is not my mess we are cleaning up (yet again). I had told him every time that he should start talking to her about how he prefers a neat organized space and ask her to pick up her things. He refused saying he can't do that that I have to let him deal with it his way. I told him that if that's how he feels then he needs to stop coming to me with his complaints cause I'm tired of telling him the same thing.

So this time I was very firm about him talking to Chipmunk NOW about this issue before things get worse. We'll see how this goes.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 12-18-2012, 06:44 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default

Well, I talked to Airyn while he was making coffee. He said it didn't come up, and he didn't talk to Chipmunk about her telling us how to discipline Wolf.

Unfortunately he also told me that he basically erm proactively? avoided it coming up. He said that before he left to pick Chipmunk up from work he told Wolf to clean up her dishes, and be in bed by the time he got back.

Which as a parent was the right thing to do. So not really avoiding discussing this issue with Chipmunk so much as making Wolf do her part. However the result of which means that he did avoid the usual situation of Wolf going to bed and leaving her dishes out. I can't fault him for that, but I really wish he had found another way to take care of this last night. Oh well. There are other nights, it is a very common thing for Wolf to do. Shoot this morning I reminded her that she has to take care of her cats, and she still didn't clean their litter pans before headed to school. *Sigh*

Maybe she needs to try a spreadsheet of her own. Must to find something that actually works for her.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:29 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 146
Default

A struggle I am having with my primary is being codependent. He complains about things that effect us both. I ask him to address the issues and he doesn't so I do.

What this does to us:

He is the good guy!
I am the raving bitch or just a bitch.
Causes conflict between us.
Causes conflict with me and other people.

After therapy I see my part in it. I see his as well. He is setting me up to be the "bad guy".

I believe this relates to your situation and makes one that is already unfair to you even more difficult.

I to have a DD she is 13. Very typical behavior of that age. My concern is for Wolfe, that is she hears such nonsense she will feel less.

I also wonder why Chipmunk must be protected at all costs from her behavior.

I also know often in my life people who trust me the most treat me the worst because they know I am not a runner and will be here. My relationship with my primary who is my husband is that we are in house separated while he works on his FOO issues. I had no choice but to do this as he doesn't respect me as a person and crosses boundaries repeatedly. I needed to do this not just for myself but for my daughter.

I haven't posted in a very long time. I don't presume to judge u, I see our roles with our spouses being similar.
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 12-18-2012, 08:47 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife View Post
A struggle I am having with my primary is being codependent. He complains about things that effect us both. I ask him to address the issues and he doesn't so I do.

What this does to us:

He is the good guy!
I am the raving bitch or just a bitch.
Causes conflict between us.
Causes conflict with me and other people.

After therapy I see my part in it. I see his as well. He is setting me up to be the "bad guy".
Yep this is exactly the problem. He and I had a bit of an argument about it after I sent out the email to Chipmunk. This also why I am on him now over this issue Chipmunk is playing with Wolf. If he can't get past this, and actually stand up for Me, Us, and our kid. The we have a much larger issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife View Post
I believe this relates to your situation and makes one that is already unfair to you even more difficult.

I to have a DD she is 13. Very typical behavior of that age. My concern is for Wolfe, that is she hears such nonsense she will feel less.

I also wonder why Chipmunk must be protected at all costs from her behavior.

I also know often in my life people who trust me the most treat me the worst because they know I am not a runner and will be here. My relationship with my primary who is my husband is that we are in house separated while he works on his FOO issues. I had no choice but to do this as he doesn't respect me as a person and crosses boundaries repeatedly. I needed to do this not just for myself but for my daughter.

I haven't posted in a very long time. I don't presume to judge u, I see our roles with our spouses being similar.
I don't see you judging, I see you stating the obvious. I just wish I was better a saying these things myself. Airyn has had a couple of rude awakening in the last few months, in the past couple weeks even. This will be a hurdle for him. He "thinks" I have been impatient with Chipmunk over these past 4-5 months. Now he is being reminded what my lack of patients coupled with my quick to anger issue really looks like. He hasn't seen/dealt with these in a very long time.

I know my talk with him yesterday stressed him out. I have reminded him about our talk the day he called me his roommate. I told him I was tired, done. then I sent the email and told them both that I'm done with being considerate and ignored.

He's starting to see this some what. Especially after I called them out for not think about or including a discussion on how to explain our relationship to Chipmunk's grandmother. It will be coming up again soon. He thinks that we'll be dropping Chipmunk off, and heading to his mom's. I don't see Chipmunk being the only one to get out of the vehicle. I see her wanting to introduce us, and I see her grandmother wanting to know who she's staying with.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 12-18-2012, 09:04 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 146
Default

Why would you consider moving to a large place with the two of them? Especially, Aeryn, when he won't stand up for your daughter or you.

For me it's one thing to mess with me, that's on me. But fuck with my kid and it's on like donkey kong. I am a a very laid back person for the most part, but I would have been all over Chipmunk.

I have followed your situation since the beginning as being in a poly relationship and having a child. I understand you feel obligated that you talked her into this. However, there is a line of unacceptable behavior and only you can define it. You, my lady have been far more patient then I would be.

The other part of this by you being the bad guy, you also get to be the fall guy when their relationship falls apart due to what ever reason.
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 12-18-2012, 09:11 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 146
Default

I also have something else to say, so why the fuck what if he is stress out over your conversation. Aren't you stressed over this whole thing? Don't you matter in this at all? Putting my personal beliefs out there, but didn't chipmunk state she wasn't buying the portion for Wolfe when making dinner it was for her and Aeryn.

Non polyfamily's realize that time spend with the child is part of their relationship and honestly she is spending time with him and wolfe, her choice she moved in. I don't understand why that doesn't count.

I gucess I just want to say to you, that you and Wolfe count. What person doesn't protect their child? Would Aeryn speak up to a teacher or someone like that to protect Wolfe? I don't mean to be offensive but he is failing in my mind by conflict avoiding with Chipmunk to not protect Wolfe. You need to decide if your okay with that.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 12-19-2012, 10:35 AM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default Miscommunication

There was a miscommunication between myself and Airyn. It dragged out over several days. He was talking about very different amounts of time then I was talking about.

It resulted in an argument, yelling, tears, and physical manifestations of stress.

We figured out what had happened, and several points where it could have been cleared up but wasn't.

I wrote all about it in detail. But I'm not going to post any more about it just yet. I think I'm still too raw, and angry to be level headed. Plus I've barly slept.

Maybe in a couple days I'll reread what I wrote today, and consider if I still feel it is accurate or not.

Livingmybestlife: I actually spoke with Airyn about several of your concerns before reading your messages. Some of these are still up in the air so to speak.

Airyn has not spoken to Chipmunk about her attitude towards Wolf.
I have informed him that his responses to this are placing Chipmunk and I in a position to have a real serious fight. I told him he needs to fix it, that he can not side with her again when this comes up next. He say that she has been pointing out Wolf's mess for a month or more. I told him he should have handled it so she was not thinking it was OK to bring this to me the way she has.

I also told Airyn that his way of handleing Wolfs mess after I told him to talk to Chipmunk about it was him making sure he avoided this issue one more day.

I told him that I see this avoiding of important conversations as a trend. He disagreed so I asked some questions. I asked him if he has talk to Chipmunk about the roommate agreement we need to be ironing out. I asked if he's talked with her about her paying a small amount of rent and 1/4 the utilities starting in January. I asked if he has talked to her about her getting her own apartment, and transportation. He's response, no, but I still have time.

I did not state the obvious, but maybe I should have. January is less then 2 weeks away, and he and I have been talking about these things at least since the Roommate comment (about a 3 weeks ago now). Some things longer then that.

I did tell him that I would not be sending out another email for him three months from now. He says I'm speculating. I say I'm responding to a trend. To how he treats issue between him and Chipmunk, and between Me and Chipmunk, and now between Chipmunk and Wolf.

I expect we'll have this converaation again later today (Wednesday for me).
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
age difference, ffm, fmf, third partner, triad fallout, triads

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:39 PM.