Ouch! Break up

[nondy2]

So, I broke up today with the married guy I had been cheating with. I had wanted to for a long time. I know it wasn't ethical.

He was all over the map. He'd say we were just friends and then kiss me when he saw me... I finally asked him to tell his wife about me and open it up as a friendship because we weren't having sex anyway, and he basically said no. So, I said I needed some space. The thing is that I keep suspecting he met someone else, and is just telling me he wants to work on his marriage.

I know people here disagree, but my feeling was if two people are unhappy in marriage and can take refuge in each other, even tho it's unethical it's something. But I started to feel that "rather than that" I was just another girl on Cupid - and one that maybe he got to close to?

This entire thing makes me question my own poly (again!) since I don't want two husbands, the experiment seems doomed for failure. With each guy, I think the will want to move closer or break it off...How do other people do it? I'm just not up to getting attached to a stream of folks and having them then leave my life...and I'm just not up for casual. I always end up being too attached or too disattached.

Does anyone else have 'attachment issues?" Also, how can I keep my guy as a friend? Should I insist he tell his wife?

[learninginTN]

You're not going to get any sympathy from me. I've been cheated on, and it sucks. It took a year of therapy, nights of no sleep, losing weight due to no appetite, and medication for depression. And countless hours lost from being with my children because of all the above.

You can insist he tell his wife all you want, but he's not going to do it because he doesn't want to deal with the aftermath. You could tell her yourself, I suppose, but that comes across as pretty mean-spirited and spiteful.

Best to stay away from him. When, and if, he decides to pursue an open relationship/polyamory, maybe then you can approach him, but even then, you'd still be hiding the affair from his wife. And a relationship that begins with secrets is not likely to be successful anyway. Seek out and find those people who are actually available for a relationship, who can be open and honest, and strive to deal in honesty and openness in all your dealings with people and their emotions.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by nondy2

How do other people do it? I'm just not up to getting attached to a stream of folks and having them then leave my life...and I'm just not up for casual. I always end up being too attached or too disattached

I would recommend you take a look at what you want from a relationship. Then consider if the way you are going about finding love is in line with that goal. If you are dating married men that is going to provide you with a particular outcome. I imagine it will reliably end the way this one did.

As far as morality of the thing, that's for you to decide.

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you might be suffering break up pains. That's never fun.

I am glad you are moving toward exercising your ethics more. That's a good thing, even if you have to travel through stuff to arrive.

When you date next time, you could be more up front about what it is you are seeking and better look out for your own mental and emotional health and well being. Maybe just state what it is you WANT. Not merely what you are willing to "accept" as ok, but what you "actually WANT and can thrive in."


Using this article as a talking point? Could be more clear with your dating partners in the dating process before sex happens or things get emotionally serious.

I'm just not up to getting attached to a stream of folks and having them then leave my life. I'm just not up for casual. "I am not up for a (3) model where the polyshipping people are "Non-primary and Open." If you seek this model, I'm not a good potential poly partner then.

I like attachment and want stronger ties/bonds with my poly partner(s). I could be up for a model where it is more like (1C, 2A, 2B? -- you decide and put in here.)

I could entertain the thought with you and talk about how that could play out for us. Could you be willing to discuss?

So much easier to just spit it out there. You are responsible for knowing and stating your own wants, needs, and limits. You are responsible for you own bet healths and well being.

GL!
Galagirl