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Old 12-04-2012, 06:49 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 17

Hi Anne,

Thanks so much for your feedback- it is a complicated mess I have gotten myself into for sure...

a daily text isn't too much to ask, but if you're not going to get it, and that is made clear to you either through them saying no, or just not texting you - it's too much for that person to give. Letting go of expectations on what you wish was true vs what is actually true is good for your self esteem because you're not judging your worth by if somebody "loves you enough" to contact you every day. Did you ever have daily contact? Is this something you're asking for this long into the relationship because you have doubt about whether he even wants to be in it anymore so you're looking for reassurance?
Yes- this has been a sticking point for us for awhile. Of course in the beginning I heard from him all of the time, multiple times a day (NRE I think is the term everyone uses on here- all new and exciting). But you are right- I guess I just need to let that go because apparently he cannot bring himself to do it. It seems like such a simple thing to me (30 seconds to say hi or thinking of you), I just have a hard time understanding why he can't do this one little thing!!! Argh.

Would you be/have been content seeing him less often if it meant having mostly solo time with him, or do you like his company so much that if you can see him 4x a week and 3 of them are group outings, that its worth it to you to see him 4x a week?
I much prefer seeing him solo, but was willing to see them as a group or at a kid function (1 time generally) during the week in order to get some more time with him. But it turned into just group options, which is where I had and now again have the problem.

Was a reason given by anybody why 1 night a week used to be OK and it got less and less? Did he volunteer why now you're seeing each other every 2 weeks now, or did you have to ask him for him to explain? Has he expressed a desire to see you more often, or alone, once things calm down?
This has been basically because of a change in work schedule (he is working tons of hours) and a family illness- which I totally understand and have tried to be very patient about. And I have asked him to express these feelings to me (if he wants to see me more, if he misses me etc.) if he is feeling them, so I am still waiting to see what happens here. I do worry that this has all become "too hard" and he is just going to bail.

Also you and the wife agreed if there was an issue you would go to each other with it. Have you told her any of this that you've said here? Been vulnerable and asked that hard question that you really want to know? "I would like to see him by myself most of the time, and I'd like to see him x often. Would that be comfortable with you, and if not could you tell me why, and what would work for you?"
I have not gone to her yet, as I was hoping he and I could make some headway- as you mentioned, our communication is not great either. During our last conversation (when BF & I were resuming) she basically stated that she did not want to be the one sitting at home dealing with all of the crap while I got to be the one doing all of the "fun" stuff. Which, while I do understand how she feels about that I have to say that there is a lot of that situation that I cannot control. We do not live together and I am not invlolved in their family (except as a casual friend). I feel like that falls on him to make more of an effort to make sure they have quality time together as well. RIght?

It seems all of you could benefit from some self help, reading, counseling whatever, you and him to work on communication issues, her to figure out why she wants to be involved in and exert control on a a relationship that she's not involved with.
She thinks pretty highly of her skills as a communicator, wife, mother- I have been told pretty well that this is not her problem. But I am working on my issues and trying to "talk" to him more. Except we end up texting because we have no alone time. I hate having serious discussions via text, so many things get convoluted in print- when you cannot see expressions, tone etc. But he is useless on the phone, so texting it is

I am working up to talking to him about me seeing other people- as I am not getting what I need from him and think that at this time he will not be able to meet my needs, mainly because of his crazy work schedule and family commitments. I want to try and keep our relationship active and begin to date as well. But that is another conversation (and thread)! But I feel like we might be heading towards splitsville, so I might not need to worry about this conversation after all.

It basically comes down to the fact that I am terrified to talk to him about things that are bothering me because I feel like we are one conversation away from him walking away, because it is too hard (we broke up once before for that basic reason- he feels he cannot give me enough to make me happy). Which I know is no way to live. But it's hard to walk away because I love him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. Blah

Thanks again for all of your input
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