Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 12-01-2012, 11:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
Yes....57 years old. Does that change your POV?
It makes it even more so. He isn't likely to change, given his recent examples of juvenile behaviour.
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 12-02-2012, 03:37 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Default

Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!

WTBE,

You sound like a wonderful person. I truly hope this works out the way you want and it seems it is! I , from what I have read, don't see our guy as playing games or immature. The way I view it is: People get married for all sorts of reason and I think this reason is RARLEy sex or passion and those marriages rarely work out...anyway, when married and knowing each others families, money, property and kids (and mostly attachment) it becomes difficult to unravel. I am soaking for myself, but I think it's probably true for your guy. I think once we are attached to someone even if we want something else, it becomes so hard to change.

I am thinking of my own marriage. I think I could maybe be in a happier marriage and there are certainly people I'm hotter for, but to end something that's been going on for 15 years and creating stability and kids and all that would be very hard...and the primary point is WOULD I be happier? That's the issue - ?

I would also say five years seems like a long time and it is. But what's the hurry? I think that in any live-in situation foks end up hating each other of dishes and child care. That's a place I wish I hadn't rushed to get to!!!
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 12-02-2012, 03:39 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Default

Sorry for the typing errors.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 12-02-2012, 04:32 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default What r u suggesting?

Thanks Nondy

Hard to filter with such different points of view here.

Sounds like you are suggesting that I could consider that even if he always stayed Married and loving her that we could still work?

I didn't consider that because she is opposed to a triad with us as equals and even if she wasn't she has already shown her true heart about it. I Don't know how to get around that.

I have the additional issue of moving to be nearer to him thus leaving my country, my friends, and family. I am very willing to do this but am so afraid of moments like this where we have a blow up over his confused feelings and he literally stops talking to me. It feels like weve broken up. He still has not contacted me since I told him things are changed if he is still is love w her . He hasnt attempted to engage me in conversation about "what do I see changed". He goes to "caves" to think when heavy emotional stuff comes down and I am left reeling without him or any sense of him given he is so far away.

Again this is tortuous because its so rare I see him in person and he was just here. 5 days ago and we got so very close. I truly love him but reconciled with him because he said he didn't love her anymore and that impossible complication was diminishing. Now I learn it has not. It sounds like she is still moving out but he cannot help now he feels. I have no idea what to do next unless I just let him go. If a man loves his wife of 33 years and also considers her his best friend how can I possibly make it with him when she is only accomadating at best even if she were to become open again .



Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!

WTBE,

You sound like a wonderful person. I truly hope this works out the way you want and it seems it is! I , from what I have read, don't see our guy as playing games or immature. The way I view it is: People get married for all sorts of reason and I think this reason is RARLEy sex or passion and those marriages rarely work out...anyway, when married and knowing each others families, money, property and kids (and mostly attachment) it becomes difficult to unravel. I am soaking for myself, but I think it's probably true for your guy. I think once we are attached to someone even if we want something else, it becomes so hard to change.

I am thinking of my own marriage. I think I could maybe be in a happier marriage and there are certainly people I'm hotter for, but to end something that's been going on for 15 years and creating stability and kids and all that would be very hard...and the primary point is WOULD I be happier? That's the issue - ?

I would also say five years seems like a long time and it is. But what's the hurry? I think that in any live-in situation foks end up hating each other of dishes and child care. That's a place I wish I hadn't rushed to get to!!!
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 12-02-2012, 04:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Wha??? I must have stumbled on the wrong list-serv..

Boring, didn't you attack me a few months ago for questioning the maturity of someone who chose to have their only commitment in life be employment? Followed by a number of others and a discussion that it's OK to call disabled people unhealthy and OK to use retard or lame... Whatever!
That would be inaccurate, incorrect, and off-topic. I am not interested in resurrecting that thread here.

To the OP: I am judging your boyfriend's (key word: BOY) character by his actions, not by his age. The information about his age simply leads me to believe that he is not likely to change if he's doing this type of juvenile behaviour after being alive for nearly six decades. It does not make him less worthy of basic human respect, but if you want to put up with his emotional and communicative flakiness? That's your problem.
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 12-02-2012, 05:18 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,257
Default

I think 6 decades would be inaccurate, incorrect. More like 4 and change.
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 12-02-2012, 05:24 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think 6 decades would be inaccurate, incorrect. More like 4 and change.
That depends on how you define "decade". I define "decade" as "10 years". OP said he was 57. According to my math, that's nearly 6 decades. I guess math can mean anything anyone wants it to mean, just like "poly". After all, numbers are fluid, just like language. Right?
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 12-02-2012, 05:32 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,257
Default

I Got how you did your math Nearly might be considered what.

I also gave him credit for some of the early years 0- 18
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 12-02-2012, 07:22 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Love this way is so complex

I think I'm just ready to admit that love arrived at this way is just so complicated and we cannot simplify anything here, including how to count a decade. I ask myself how and why do I keep going with such ever expanding complexities of the heart- is it really providing growth for me, or is it ripping me apart so much I can't remember who I am and what I want and how to stay true to it.

I'm trying hard not to feel like a home wrecker, assuring myself of the differences between pursuing a married man and having been part of a triad I was invited into that fell apart, and that he chose me even if he still ended up in love with us both.

I"m trying hard to imagine a day where there is consistent harmony (at least more than 2 weeks in a row god please) and my heart doesn't feel ripped to shreds.

I'm miserable that he still has made no contact so we could talk about what this means for us, it feels as painful as if we'd broken up - maybe we have...we have come so damn far for this old forlorn dark tearing to still be part of a day, or for it to continue to have such a place in the journey..... but I'll try really really hard to focus on giving him his space and time to figure things out for himself. In the meantime, I do know that know he truly loves me, (I choose to think that I have not been played) and I'll keep that with me always ...with or without hopes for the future.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 12-03-2012, 09:39 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 819
Default

You know, people should put themselves first, then they should put the people they love second. If somebody who said they'd be putting me second failed to contact me during a time like this, I think I would consider that to be too selfish and self centered - 30 seconds for a text you know? Sorry to be negative but I also would have to agree that he doesn't seem to have what it takes to be a good, honest, upfront partner. If he does end up without his wife and with you, and starts dating again (ya sure, its complicated so he wouldn't do it again - I wouldn't count on that though), those same issues are going to manifest themselves again in all the same ways if he hasn't done something to grow past them such as therapy.

I am sure people have mentioned this before, but full triad would mean you are dating her too, I've been confused in your posts since if you had been involved with her I have forgotten you mentioning that. What he wanted (I assume) is a V where both of you get along like gangbusters and dont cause him any stress. I only mention this because advice can be more useful if things are described accurately.

You say that if you lived together you'd be a full partner and "Being a full partner means sharing our lives in full." I want you to really think - if he isn't sharing with you in full now - ie he's still having sex with his wife and upset if you have the nerve to ask him - he's going afk for days, weeks or months at his whim without really caring how it's affecting you, and it's unlikely that it will magically change if you do move in together. Going incommunicado for months - how do you convince yourself that is part of love? 8 months ago you were talking about dating, I hope that you have been open to dating and going out with people.

I'd surely not think about moving to be with him until 6 or so months had gone by with him not living with her and you could see how his actions were going to be when he didn't have her to blame his behavior on.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break-ups, primary, primary/secondary, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:47 AM.