Story of the Anti-Unicorn

[samines]

I'm terrible at keeping things up-to-date, so don't expect too much, but I decided to start a thread to talk about me

I am the stereotypical "unicorn" in a lot of ways- I'm 18, female, bi, skinny... also, compersion really gets to me, so I tend to be attracted to couples. Oh, and I'm attracted to the age range 10-15 years older than me. I fit in the "unicorn" category pretty perfectly... except, I'm looking for something so much different.
There seems to be a grouping of couples out there, the ones looking for a unicorn... they want a "wife"... they want "someone to add to our relationship"... how can someone start a relationship expecting that? I guess it's common to mono online dating, too, but I just don't get it. It seems so artificial, so presumptuous.

I've seen another person here use the term "solo" and I think I like that idea for myself. I want to date and fall in love and have serious, long term relationships... I want to have kids, too... in some ways, I do want genuine partnerships... but I think I might be best off if I always have my own place to go back to, my own "home base".

Right now, I have a growing history of non-relationships... the "almost dating" that I got invested in, but never really happened. I'm trying to break out of that and actually get involved with someone[s], but at the same time, I'm frustrated with how "ready-made" the expectations for relationships (even poly relationships) are turning out to be.

I've got a bunch of stuff floating around my head but I figure I'll get back online and write some more later.



(I couldn't help but be entertained by this while I was typing- my spell-check doesn't know the word "compersion". Its guesses were "compassion" or "perversion". Hehe.)

[Helo]

I'm starting to think that poly people in general are unicorns XD

[samines]

Updates to my story!

Tonight, and why I logged on to type: as of about 4 hours ago, I am no longer a "never-been-kissed" girl.
If I need to come up with nicknames to use on here, this is Cute Guitar Guy. We had a sort of date tonight, we did music for a little while and mostly sat around talking. And he asked if he could kiss me, and I said yeah, and... I don't know. We kissed, I went home, I've been awake for hours trying to decide if I liked it.

I've been able to divide the people I'm interested in into two groups- the ones I fall "head over heels" for, would do pretty much anything for, and desire emotionally/physically pretty much without limit- and then the other people- the ones I like. Somewhere between "kinda like" and "maybe really like". The confusing thing is, no one has jumped the gap yet. Of the people that "I like", some of whom I've dated, it never turned into the burning passion/limitless devotion that I know with the former group. And of the former group, I've fallen almost straight away every time.
I would guess that I'm capable of liking someone, and then later falling for them- "that's how normal people work, right?"- but it hasn't happened yet. And now I've gone and let Cute Guitar Guy (who I like, but am not passionately-unreasonably in love with) kiss me.

Any insight on what's going on here? Do I have some fantastic instinct as to how well I "click" with someone, so I either start falling early or I don't ever- or am I somehow preventing myself from getting to "into" the people in the "like" group? From a logical standpoint- I think the people I've fallen in love with are fantastic people with fantastic personalities, and the people I've sorta liked are either "just okay" or someone else's version of fantastic. On the other hand, the people I've fallen for are also the ones I "can't have"- older than me & I was underage; lived far away & medical issues & mono-not-single; older than me & didn't want to be outed as poly... while the people I'm hesitant to get to involved with were my available peers.

So, maybe I have high standards and I'm lucky enough to have already met people who fit them, and everyone else is nice enough but sub-par. Maybe I'm a commitment-phobe and unwilling to invest in something that seems like it could actually happen... Maybe I'm scared that if a relationship isn't an uphill battle, I won't know what it's really worth to me. Maybe some combination thereof?
Maybe I need to stop worrying so much. Let go, see what feels right. That decision got me into this tonight, though- getting kissed. Not sure if I liked it. CGG likes me more than I like him, I think... is it odd that I'd be more comfortable thinking he kinda-likes-me and mostly kissed me because he likes kissing cute girls? 'Cause I would. Maybe part of my deal is that I like to set things up so I'm more likely to get hurt than to hurt someone else. Anyhow, I'm not positive how much he likes me and I'm not really sure how much I like him. Something draws me to CGG, but only a little bit. And I've set the bar really high. I've felt wild, maybe-illogical-but-nonetheless-real love and lust, so this mild-indifference... I could give it a chance, if it'll go somewhere. And honestly I want to give it a chance because damn it, I'm lonely! But I'm not sure if I believe anything will really change.

As for the kiss itself- well, it was a sorta-awkward-kiss of someone who's never been kissed before, and a tentative too-soon kiss that lost out on the element of anticipation. But I've yet to hear a good first kiss story, and as it goes, I'm not sure I don't want him to kiss me again. I just... don't know.
I don't know.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by samines

I am the stereotypical "unicorn" in a lot of ways- I'm 18, female, bi, skinny... also, compersion really gets to me, so I tend to be attracted to couples. Oh, and I'm attracted to the age range 10-15 years older than me. I fit in the "unicorn" category pretty perfectly... except, I'm looking for something so much different.

That's exactly what makes a unicorn a unicorn. That "except" isn't just incidental. It's the entirety of what makes unicorns non-existent.

Somewhere along the lines, people seem to have gotten the idea that a unicorn is synonymous with a hot bi babe, which you are. But they're not the same thing. What makes a unicorn different is exactly what you aren't: someone who wants to "join" a marriage as a second class citizen.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by samines

I've been able to divide the people I'm interested in into two groups- the ones I fall "head over heels" for, would do pretty much anything for, and desire emotionally/physically pretty much without limit- and then the other people- the ones I like. Somewhere between "kinda like" and "maybe really like". The confusing thing is, no one has jumped the gap yet. Of the people that "I like", some of whom I've dated, it never turned into the burning passion/limitless devotion that I know with the former group. And of the former group, I've fallen almost straight away every time.
I would guess that I'm capable of liking someone, and then later falling for them- "that's how normal people work, right?"- but it hasn't happened yet.

You know, I've never looked at it that way, but I would say I'm the same way. There are people I like "a little more than friends" and people I love passionately. No one's ever crossed the boundary. That being said, my girlfriend and I have been together almost a year. Ours has been a slowly growing relationship. I care about her a great deal, I enjoy her company, I love to snuggle with her... but I don't get distracted from my daily life thinking about her, the way I did when I met my husband... the way she tells me she does. :O But for me, it is growing into a fantastic companionship. That's a wonderful advantage of poly: she fits very nicely into my life, I love being with her; but she doesn't fill all my emotional/sexual needs, and she doesn't have to in order for the relationship to be satisfying.

Any insight on what's going on here? Do I have some fantastic instinct as to how well I "click" with someone, so I either start falling early or I don't ever- or am I somehow preventing myself from getting to "into" the people in the "like" group? From a logical standpoint- I think the people I've fallen in love with are fantastic people with fantastic personalities, and the people I've sorta liked are either "just okay" or someone else's version of fantastic. On the other hand, the people I've fallen for are also the ones I "can't have"- older than me & I was underage; lived far away & medical issues & mono-not-single; older than me & didn't want to be outed as poly... while the people I'm hesitant to get to involved with were my available peers.

So, maybe I have high standards and I'm lucky enough to have already met people who fit them, and everyone else is nice enough but sub-par. Maybe I'm a commitment-phobe and unwilling to invest in something that seems like it could actually happen... Maybe I'm scared that if a relationship isn't an uphill battle, I won't know what it's really worth to me. Maybe some combination thereof?

It could be any and all of those reasons. Probably a combination of all. Could be something of a "stage of life" thing, too. You mention being younger than your lovers and that you've only recently had your first kiss, from which I infer that you're relatively young. To have so much insight and consideration at your age puts you far ahead of your peers. So it's not surprising that relationships with your peers are unsatisfying... most early-20's still don't have a clue who they are. Who wants that? Not me. I don't date people who are just coming out of adolescence because they tend to be immature. In your case, at this time in your life, it just happens that those people are your peers.

Maybe I need to stop worrying so much. Let go, see what feels right. That decision got me into this tonight, though- getting kissed. Not sure if I liked it.

Ding ding ding! Give the lady her prize!

I'm a huge supporter of just doing what feels right. Life is about learning. Learning is about doing. Not sure if you liked it? That's fine. I can tell you right now, life will be full of all kinds of things you won't like. Hopefully they'll be outweighed by things you do like, but you can't spend your life on the fence because you're afraid you won't like something.

In Japan, I was pretty sure that fermented soy beans would be awful. I mean, who would deliberately make something rotten before eating it? Gross. But I was in Ja-freakin-pan! I wasn't going to go home without at least trying them. And I was right. They're awful. But I have no regrets.

Very little in life is permanent. You can always change your situation. Always. If you can't change your physical circumstances, you can change your attitude. The only people who get "stuck" are those who convince themselves so. So as Ms. Frizzle says: Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!

CGG likes me more than I like him, I think... is it odd that I'd be more comfortable thinking he kinda-likes-me and mostly kissed me because he likes kissing cute girls? 'Cause I would. Maybe part of my deal is that I like to set things up so I'm more likely to get hurt than to hurt someone else. Anyhow, I'm not positive how much he likes me and I'm not really sure how much I like him. Something draws me to CGG, but only a little bit. And I've set the bar really high. I've felt wild, maybe-illogical-but-nonetheless-real love and lust, so this mild-indifference... I could give it a chance, if it'll go somewhere. And honestly I want to give it a chance because damn it, I'm lonely! But I'm not sure if I believe anything will really change.

There's nothing wrong with a Mr. Right Now. One approach I've done in those circumstances, where I liked someone enough to date them for a while but I knew it wasn't going to be long term, is told them I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. Yeah, that might be a little fib. But you're not building a serious, long term relationship here. There are people who believe in radical honesty, telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I'm not one of them. Oh don't get me wrong, a serious relationship absolutely needs the full truth to function. But this isn't a serious relationship. In my opinion, casual dating can function just fine with the occasional harmless fib.

[samines]

CGG was falling in love with me, I was definitely not falling for him, the kissing did not happen again. No big deal.

What I really wanted to post about has nothing to do with relationships/being poly/ any such. I'M GONNA MOVE OUT!! First place on my own, and it looks like I might end up with a cute little raggedy house, plenty of rooms, & walking distance from the library. It sounds fantastic, and it's the cheapest house/apartment I've found yet, so the only question is exactly how raggedy it ends up being.

I just found it on craigslist this morning, no pictures posted, & it has plenty of chance to fall through- but hopefully I'll hear back from the owner sometime today & check out the house today or tomorrow. I might be living there in half a month!

I'm not sure I can express how EXCITED I am!!

In other news, I am developing in my identity as genderfluid. I'm not in the mood to get into it on here- I'm too excited about getting a house!- but I'm keeping up with that over here: http://slythgf.tumblr.com/