Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-08-2009, 02:19 PM
PorcelainPowder PorcelainPowder is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Normandy, France
Posts: 3
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Couldn't agree more my friend. If this is about getting to have lots of friends with benefits or one night stands I also don't see this as poly. For me poly involves real feelings with depth, not just saying, "I can love more than one person" and using poly as a way to justify having multiple sex partners.

I don't think this is a poly question. I think it is an open relationship agreement issue. You had an agreement, he was not clear on his real feelings, you chose not to address his jealousy concerns and the other girl got hurt because you were not up front with your intentions around sex.
Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but is the way I see it.
I'm sorry, but you don't know me and I feel you are being unreasonably judgmental. It's not that I never wanted real feelings to be attached with this girl, it is that I am not in a situation that permits such a thing so I had to guard my heart and make it an "open relationship." If we had agreed that I was free to pursue a relationship with her things might have gone differently.

I'm sure you didn't start out fully polyamorous either, and that it was a process for you. I'm sure you resent the idea that any poly person just wants to have "legal adultery" as much as I do. Despite my feelings that I can love more than one person, I cannot act on those feelings while in a monogamous relationship. Do you not agree?

I never said I just wanted a bunch of fuck buddies, those are a dime a dozen and I could and have had that easily and plentifully. I don't need poly to justify anything in that situation.

It is easy to write off someone as being just a selfish playgirl and call yourself legitimately polyamorous when you are in a poly relationship, but I liken that to saying a gay man is not really gay because he is dating a girl and hasn't come out of the closet.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-08-2009, 06:33 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PorcelainPowder View Post
I'm sorry, but you don't know me and I feel you are being unreasonably judgmental. It's not that I never wanted real feelings to be attached with this girl, it is that I am not in a situation that permits such a thing so I had to guard my heart and make it an "open relationship."

I'm sure you didn't start out fully polyamorous either,
I apologize if I came off judgemental. It is a weakness I have and should recognize. I am very protective of the ideal of polyamory and what it means to me.

That being said, the above statement indicates that you did not have real feelings for this girl prior to the physical intimacy. This just gives me the impression that this was purely sexually motivated and not a desire to have an intimate relationship which is the difference between open and poly relationships in my opinion. I just feel people need to be very clear on what their expectations are when engaging in a relationship especially when it deals with something as powerful as sex. The emotional impact on the other person should always be considered above personal needs...assumptions should not be made.

As far as me being "fully polyamorous"....That is simple..I am not even a little polyamorous in nature. I am monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. I couldn’t begin to imagine being intimately in love with more than one person.

I again, did not mean to offend.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-08-2009, 06:56 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by StarGazer View Post
To the question in your headline- it sounds as though you are poly, although the insecurity is possible.


However, I disagree that what you had with Sebastian was imposed upon him. Sebastien said you could have sex with women. .
I'm sorry again. Getting the green light to have "just sex" with other women reduces the use of polyamory in this case as a tool to have casual sex. Sebastien didn't have polyamory imposed on him as the nature of the agreement is not polyamorous by definition. There are some very knowledgeable polyamorous people on this forum (I don't include myself in this as I am monogamous) who can lend some advice on this I am sure. I'll step back from this one now and let more experienced people help.

Take care and I wish you the best
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-08-2009, 10:42 PM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 30
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm sorry again. Getting the green light to have "just sex" with other women reduces the use of polyamory in this case as a tool to have casual sex. Sebastien didn't have polyamory imposed on him as the nature of the agreement is not polyamorous by definition. There are some very knowledgeable polyamorous people on this forum (I don't include myself in this as I am monogamous) who can lend some advice on this I am sure. I'll step back from this one now and let more experienced people help.

Take care and I wish you the best
And she only had sex with the other woman- I don't see how polyamory into play came in at all, which further begs the question of how was it imposed upon him?.

If she started dating her behind his back and then said "Oh, I'm in love now, you gotta get used to this"- I'd agree she imposed it upon him. But that's not the situation.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-09-2009, 12:06 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 344
Default

Agreed, it sounds like this is just an "open" relationship and S wasn't ready for it. I'm finding people have to be in a real relationship for a long time to "get it" and begin to deal with it to the fullest extent...and derive deep emotional benefit from the communal aspect of poly. Sleeping around is just sleeping around, not poly.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-09-2009, 02:00 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

It sounds as if you have the opinions of many others that what you attempt to practice is not poly... but thought I would add my two cents for what it is worth...

I agree that what you have practiced so far is an "open relationship." The fact that you called it Poly and then proceeded to have sex with someone even though your partner was struggling makes me think that in fact you were cheating on him... it sounds like you let him know your feelings about wanting to be free to love others, he told you his boundaries, you agreed to respect them, met someone, he felt jealous, nothing was resolved about his feelings and then you slept with someone anyways. This to me is cheating. If someone disrespects another by doing something beyond their comfort zone sexually with or without their knowing it is going to happen to me is openly cheating. To say you won't do it again is ridiculous and unbelievable. Perhaps you should be searching for other like minded people to have romantic relationships with or at least discuss that you are this way inclined before entering a relationship with them. Doing this would be respectful to them and to you. I am not convinced that you love S enough to make Poly or an open relationship work with him by the actions you have taken.

Poly to me is about respecting boundaries both another's and your own, this is how love is proven... it can never be proven by going with your horniness and thinking that just because you have said you are Poly means you can do whatever you want.

I would hope that next time you would take the time to get to know who you are wanting to be intimate with. I would hope you would take the time needed to make sure your partner feels respected, loved, cherished and comfortable with the idea. Lastly, I would hope you would take the time to make sure you partner gets to know your new potential partner and the idea of the two of you being intimate. Only then, when everyone is ready, should steps be taken to physical intimacy. This is what a Polyamorous relationship is to me. Otherwise you do come off as wanting a "fuck buddy" and are in fact a "play girl." This is fine, but call it what it is, not Poly please.

I am not meaning to sound harsh and I am not trying to be judgmental. I feel for you and respect that you are still young and that at your age it is important to try things out in order to find out your place within it all. I was so much like you when I was your age and can completely relate. Sorry too that I sound like an old lady (I'm turning 40 this year) that is inflicting my wisdom on you but I hope that you can take it as such, learn from it, make it your own and turn it into your own wisdom to pass on. You sound like a smart woman who knows what she wants. There is nothing wrong with that, but to do it in harming none and helping all is better all around for you and those around you... and I believe, the whole world... (but that is another thing )
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-09-2009, 02:07 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 344
Default

Good points Redpepper.....
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
confusion, jealousy, polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:01 PM.