Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Fireplace

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:46 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default Taking the direction your life must take...

" The inner call also tells us what we will not do.To compromise,for example, is always tempting and often destructive when dealing with a chosen path. My inner sense will not allow compromises that go too much against the direction I know my life must take."
Book-Living Happily Ever After


I'm reading this book that Red Pepper's husband suggested Maca read (via RP on here).

I came across this line today and felt the onset of another "ah-ha" moment.

I know it greatly frustrates people in my life when I say "I just can't do that."
But there are many times in my life when it becomes clear (usually after trying, but honestly I'm actively working to change that now) to me that some feat a person has requested of me, simply does NOT work for the direction my life needs to go.

I find it frustrating to try to explain to a person who is closed off from their own "inner guidance system" that I can't always FULLY explain why I know that some step is WRONG for me, only that I DO know it's wrong for me.

Getting hit with the endless guilt trip of "but I need..." or "I thought you loved me..." or being accused of being selfish (SO not me as anyone who knows me could tell you) etc while they completely avoid taking time to consider MY needs, life, desires, motivations, purpose, responsibilities etc-TOTALLY ticks me off and sends me into an emotional whirlwind. Having longings to just "walk out" on people or vindictively allow them to suffer the potential severe consequences of their behavior, all at once, instead of continuing to patiently explain things to them and/or guide them along.

I've become amazingly adept at controlling my actions-so that I don't DO things based on emotions, but on thought out concrete purposefulness in my life.

Still, I resent people pushing the buttons that "test" that ability as though they expect that since I am good at it, I shouldn't mind continuously being treated like I'm only hear to suffer their bullying, berating, begging, whining and generally manipulating attempts to get me to fulfil whatever it is that will allow them to continue avoiding to deal with their own personal shit...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:56 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456
Default

unfortunately i'm not as good as you, and when people push me to do something i simply can't do, because it goes against my "inner guidance system" i just shut them out, and cut them off completely.

IMHO if someone is willing to totally disregard my boundaries then they can go to hell. sometimes if it's someone i care a great deal about i will try to reestablish the relationship (friends/family/etc.).

maybe someday i will be able to control this, but honestly it works for me, and i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when i go through with it, as i don't take this action lightly, and only do this when i feel it's absolutely necessary.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:56 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default Another line I identify with

"Life purpose or vision generally flows from a clear call of destiny. This call, or interior prompting, makes creative adaptation and self-realization almost inevitable. Yet those who feel this pull may be mysteriously cursed and blessed at the same time. Their road is rarely comfortable in the conventional sense of that word, but neither do they wonder what they should do with their lives."

I think the most common thing that causes me discomfort in living my life the way I know I'm meant to-is people who insist on trying to deter me because of their own need for me to create security for them because they haven't learned how to create it for themselves or they refuse to take responsibility for it in some way or another.

I find that my hardest lesson-one I continue to battle and too often fail at, is that I need to stop bending.

I know my purpose, I know where my life needs to go and I know how to do it. I don't mean I have a "plan". I don't. I mean-I just know... I just FEEL in any given moment "I'm supposed to do this" or "I'm not supposed to do that" and I need to DO or NOT DO those things and stop letting other people's refusal to claim their own shit AND DEAL WITH IT, stop me from my own growth and progress....

Very frustrated with myself because I KNOW this, and I HAVE known this for some time.

But I get caught up between wanting to be patient and understanding... loving and caring while others work through things

-then I let myself keep supporting them patiently and making allowances even when they AREN'T actually working through things but are actually in that moment allowing themselves to "act out" on their fears and insecurities-

and knowing I need to be standing my ground and saying "that is YOUR insecurity talking and I can't bend for that. I love you and I'll be here when you are reading to talk about this productively" or some such thing....
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:59 AM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

After nearly 3 years of living hell where I spent more time doing what other people thought I should do (or what I thought other people thought I should do), I've come to the realization that listening to my gut isn't always a bad thing.

Quote:
I find it frustrating to try to explain to a person who is closed off from their own "inner guidance system" that I can't always FULLY explain why I know that some step is WRONG for me, only that I DO know it's wrong for me.
Yes, I understand that completely. Sometimes I just *know* that something isn't right. And fighting against it has always turned out badly. Now, I listen better.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:03 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyAce View Post
unfortunately i'm not as good as you, and when people push me to do something i simply can't do, because it goes against my "inner guidance system" i just shut them out, and cut them off completely.

IMHO if someone is willing to totally disregard my boundaries then they can go to hell. sometimes if it's someone i care a great deal about i will try to reestablish the relationship (friends/family/etc.).

maybe someday i will be able to control this, but honestly it works for me, and i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when i go through with it, as i don't take this action lightly, and only do this when i feel it's absolutely necessary.
Funny that, because to some degree what you describe is what I am hoping to be better about!
I have found that my life DOES go better when I just tell people "look this is what I have to do so if you don't like it-fuck off" and then quit being around them.

What I find difficult is that some people do make an effort IN GENERAL, but walking through the day to day particulars I tend to make allowances that frankly I don't think help either them or me.

The truth is I feel like I should look at them and say "NO I am NOT going to make these allowances for you, precisely BECAUSE they are based on YOUR insecurities. It's ABSURD of you to ask me to change because in fact this is YOUR issue, not mine and you need to work your ass off to fix it." I think that maybe by NOT being "such a bitch" about it-I allow them to find a comfort zone in the situation as it is, where as it's been well proven that if a person hits "rock bottom" (misery) they will do something to fix their shit more quickly and with less.... fighting against the progress...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:10 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
but walking through the day to day particulars I tend to make allowances that frankly I don't think help either them or me.
That's the hardest part, b'c in the day to day things it seems like "no big deal", but those things add up, and you become a crutch for people. or at least i do
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:11 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default I'm on a roll-may as well keep going... helps me think!!

" The kind of psychological health that creative persons have is not an absence of conflicts but rather a troubled awareness of them. Unusually sensitive to what is not right, what is not fit, what is incomplete, the creative person has a strong drive to resolve that which is disquieting, either through a direct attack upon it or through finding a medium through which it can be given symbolic expression."

Boy does that fit me to a T. Not sure if I am a "creative person" or "psychologically healthy" but I know that I am VERY aware of conflicts, and things that are just "off" and am compelled to correct the issue.

Most often this is just a huge frustration for me if the awareness is about something that involves anyone but myself, because for reasons I haven't yet fully grasped I seem to be surrounded in my life by people who mature, grow and learn only when being kicked and dragged into it.


Obviously as this is so totally encompassing in my life-it's something about ME that needs work. I need to figure out what it is that keeps me "tied down" in bogs of other people's misery so to speak. Why I don't reach out to other people who are actively, SELF-interested and SELF-motivated to learn, grow and mature in their lives, thought patterns and relationships...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:13 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyAce View Post
That's the hardest part, b'c in the day to day things it seems like "no big deal", but those things add up, and you become a crutch for people. or at least i do
Oh I do. I'm seeing it-and it's making me crazy-I just have to decide what I am to do with that knowledge.
The EASY answer is to just say "fuck it" and walk away.
But I think that there is another way and while in my frustration I'm not seeing it yet-I believe it's there...so I'm searching..........
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:15 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

"Our deepest, most committed and responsible love-the love we experience for life, for others, for ourselve: the love that stirs us to find meaning in humble things-flows from our FULLY DEVELOPED, AUTONOMOUS SELF."

I think this is part of why I find myself saying to some people, "no you don't love me"....

I SENSE that they are not "whole" and in that I sense that they are unable to truly love me as I understand love... They can't give their deepest, most committed and responsible love. THey can't find meaning in the humble joy of loving without fearing a lack of "return"...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-27-2009, 06:20 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
" The kind of psychological health that creative persons have is not an absence of conflicts but rather a troubled awareness of them. Unusually sensitive to what is not right, what is not fit, what is incomplete, the creative person has a strong drive to resolve that which is disquieting, either through a direct attack upon it or through finding a medium through which it can be given symbolic expression."
That's me!

I tend to give a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, as i'm always trying to fix everyone around me. it's so bad that i've had to teach myself to ask someone if the want advice or are just venting.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
life direction, own it, purpose, respect, responsibility

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:10 AM.