Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship

[AnnabelMore]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's been misleading you, making it sounds like they were more distant than they were. Not answering a direct question is a pretty bad sign. Perhaps he's also been misleading her about his relationship with you, in various ways. It also sounds to me like maybe SHE made the decision to leave HIM, which means he hasn't *chosen* to be with you at all, he just doesn't have the option to be with her in the same way anymore. I don't know either of you, and maybe I'm entirely wrong, but there are SO many red flags here. I'm afraid you may have walked back in to a very bad situation.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual

Thanks boring Guy. I do know how hard it is for him. I hear about it frequently and i don't usually ask any questions I provide support. It's just he convinced me he was leaving the marraige earlier because he didn't love her anymore and hasn't in a long time. Now he's in love again. My heart hurts for him it must be terrible to love 2 when u can't have them both like he wants it....remember she is not up for poly. Not sure what you mean by not having priorities straight. I have put him first for a very long time and have been incredibly patient i think. I have already suggested being open to others and he is the one saying he doubts that to happen again because of how complicated it is.

Well I'm glad you weren't offended by my post, but I was being sarcastic. That is what I meant by not having your priorities straight. I think he's totally playing you. I think he has you wrapped so tight that you'd walk off a cliff for him, if he led you to believe it would help him feel less "terrible".

By the way - when he shut down and "ran away to think" because you asked him if he was still having sex with his wife? That was his way of saying "yes I am still having sex with my wife". Find someone who is a grown-up, and let this man-child's wife have him.

[Wants2BEqual]

Boring Guy I totally didnt get your sarcasm but now I do when I re-read. haha. Whew. And I made the same guess as you. I did tell him that I also need to do some thinking because this changes things. Thanks for your perspective.

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

Well I'm glad you weren't offended by my post, but I was being sarcastic. That is what I meant by not having your priorities straight. I think he's totally playing you. I think he has you wrapped so tight that you'd walk off a cliff for him, if he led you to believe it would help him feel less "terrible".

By the way - when he shut down and "ran away to think" because you asked him if he was still having sex with his wife? That was his way of saying "yes I am still having sex with my wife". Find someone who is a grown-up, and let this man-child's wife have him.

[Wants2BEqual]

Thanks Annabel.

Its really really hard to say if that is right. If I trust him I must believe what he tells me and what he tells me is that he loves and wants me more, but that its been very painfully extracting himself from a 30+ year marraige. She is moving out next week, and she was aware of his trip to see me last week.

He said he hated her this summer for losing me. Now that he has me back, he seems to be falling back for her indicating his general confusion and original desire of us both. My guess is that he still wants the original situation of both of us, and his desire is overtaking logic and reality. I believe him that he is moving towards being with me in his head, but that is heart is on some other kind of dimension that is playing out with brutal honesty.

Also he fantasized last week during intimacy about her being with us. That's no small thing I'm thinking.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's been misleading you, making it sounds like they were more distant than they were. Not answering a direct question is a pretty bad sign. Perhaps he's also been misleading her about his relationship with you, in various ways. It also sounds to me like maybe SHE made the decision to leave HIM, which means he hasn't *chosen* to be with you at all, he just doesn't have the option to be with her in the same way anymore. I don't know either of you, and maybe I'm entirely wrong, but there are SO many red flags here. I'm afraid you may have walked back in to a very bad situation.

[BoringGuy]

Wow he's that old? I thought this sounded like someone in their 20's or 30's. There goes my ageist thinking again, LOL.

[Wants2BEqual]

Yes....57 years old. Does that change your POV?

Originally Posted by BoringGuy

Wow he's that old? I thought this sounded like someone in their 20's or 30's. There goes my ageist thinking again, LOL.

[nondy2]

Hi,

I am confused about the logistics. Why aren't they living together? I can see her point, but I think you have a point too...What does a full partner mean to you?
Does in mean that you want to live with him?

Where I am confused, and I might be dense! is if SHE doesn't live with him, why does she mind if you want to? Is she worried about an emotional disconnect from him? Is she worried about coming to visit and having you there? Why does she "need to move" if you want to live with him? Do all three of you need to co-habitat?

I don't like the words primery and secondary, but for us, it's merely a time factor, my husband's GF gets less time because we live together and are raising a son. If I chose to live alone, I wouldn't mind who my husband lived with...

It is just emotional on the wife's part? The way I look at things in our experience is that I'm not primary because my husband loves me more or is emotionally attached. I feel like he is pretty equally attached to both of us.

Howver, if my husband lived in a different city (and 18 months is a long time) unless I was actively planning to move in with him, I don't see what right I would have to tell him who to live with...

Does that make any sense?

[nondy2]

I missed some posts! Sorry if my questions were already answered...I'll go back and look.

[Wants2BEqual]

Hi Nondy.

She doesnt want to lose him but he made a choice. He had to choose one or the other because poly doesnt work for her in an equal triad. She just doesnt want it. I wanted it earlier this year and was very willing, but she admitted she was just accomodating him and doesnt want it at all. I could never go back to that scenario because now I know her true heart and know it would only be a temporary "accomodation" before the true heart speaks again.

He is leaving her for me is why they are not going to live together. I didnt insist or ask for anything. He and I dont yet live together because he is navigating through this seperation/divorce. I do want to live with him. Being a full partner means sharing our lives in full.

Originally Posted by nondy2

Hi,

I am confused about the logistics. Why aren't they living together?

I can see her point, but I think you have a point too...What does a full partner mean to you? Does in mean that you want to live with him?

Where I am confused, and I might be dense! is if SHE doesn't live with him, why does she mind if you want to? Is she worried about an emotional disconnect from him? Is she worried about coming to visit and having you there? Why does she "need to move" if you want to live with him? Do all three of you need to co-habitat?

I don't like the words primery and secondary, but for us, it's merely a time factor, my husband's GF gets less time because we live together and are raising a son. If I chose to live alone, I wouldn't mind who my husband lived with...

It is just emotional on the wife's part? The way I look at things in our experience is that I'm not primary because my husband loves me more or is emotionally attached. I feel like he is pretty equally attached to both of us.

Howver, if my husband lived in a different city (and 18 months is a long time) unless I was actively planning to move in with him, I don't see what right I would have to tell him who to live with...

Does that make any sense?

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual

If I trust him I must believe what he tells me and what he tells me is that he loves and wants me more, but that its been very painfully extracting himself from a 30+ year marraige. She is moving out next week, and she was aware of his trip to see me last week.

My father used to say that people's feet tell the truth way better than their words. (well, what he actually said was: You gotta look at their feet, kid.) Doesn't matter what the words are, especially if the words and actions conflict. His feet are telling you the truth.