Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 09-16-2012, 11:43 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Update

Hello everyone I thought I'd update you. Its been since June I posted and much has happened.

My guys' wife moved back in with him and I didnt hear from him for months. It had been the worst 3 months of my life, I was severly depressed and was just coming out of my fog with some confidence, healing and a little bit of sunshine on the way. He contacted me and OUr contact was sparse at first. he posted with one of his avatars that "I was the meaning of life". I didnt put him back on my skype or IM's and continued to stay open to other relationships. I had been on a date or 2. I had another friend try to get closer but he was too bristly and I pulled back (thats another story). But it deepened between my guy and I at end of July, he asked me to reconcile and be his partner, and that he was going to get a divorce as she could not do poly. I was hesitant and went very slow. I told him it would work best if he rode in on a whitehorse and picked me up. I felt wary at the impending tumult that might occur at falling back in his arms while he navigated a painful divorce.

Anyway, things progressed, and I couldnt fight it anymore and our intimacy deepened while he is managing the break. I am still open to poly but not with her as I know its not for her. It is very difficult because we are still far away, it doesnt make sense for me to join him until he's navigated through the worst. They still live together in a 1 bedroom apt and even sleep in the same bed He said they cannot afford another apt. They havent told the 2 adult kids of teenager yet (the kids all live 1000 miles away from them). She said he had to tell them himself... So he is dreading telling them alone.

He and his wife also do fun things together on the weekends and he has shown me photos of them out doing them (like Hiking). All in this nice town we dreamed of doing some of the same things together. It hurts and I voiced this to him last week. He said there is nothing else to do and he doesn't want to do things alone (he didnt do any of these things before she arrived).

I asked that some balance be taken when navigating between what he is leaving and where he is going to. That perhaps not showing me pictures of him/her/them would be more kind. I suggested he give me as much respect as her and not hang up the phone when someone enters the room. He got angry and said I dont understand the difficulty of his living situation or the pain he is going through while he "destroy's whats left of his soon to be old life".

With the support of a friend, I suggested perhaps he made the wrong choice, that if there is this much pain maybe she is the one he is meant to be with. He got angrier still.

I know he needs support to navigate through this part of the journey. I dont know what to do. I do love him and cherish our time together and he has been very supportive of me in my life and troubles. I would love to continue to be supportive of him but I'm not sure what I'm sacrificing here, or if this is just the price one pays to be in love with someone going through a painful divorce. any advice?
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 09-16-2012, 11:46 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Update to my update

I meant to also add, her not being poly is not the only reason for divorce. He is no longer in love with her and says he is in love with me, and loves they way we challenge each other and approach the world with creativity, intellect, conversation and many other things.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 09-17-2012, 12:37 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

I think that, because of your history of getting jerked around in this relationship, you might be even more sensitive than the average person would be in your position. But even if that weren't the case, if something hurts you, his response should be to listen and try to respond in a way that will help, not get angry at you. He is going through something hard, but so are you, and if he expects support he must also give support.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 09-17-2012, 05:22 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,620
Default

I'd say he's still dissing you.

Hanging up in the middle of a convo because wifey walks in? I'd tell him, no more phone calls then, emails only, until you've moved out.

One bedroom apt and they are still sharing a bed? He can sleep on the couch, or go crash at a friend's.

Dating, going hiking together, because he has no one else to do it with? Get on meetup.com and find a a hiking group or other hobby group. Make new friends. If he and his wife are broken up, they need to stop dating.

Are they still having sex?

I never get when people are supposed to be broken up and still see each other.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 09-18-2012, 03:36 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

To give you some perspective W2BE:

When I met my S/O he had ended his relationship with his ex a month before and though they were still sharing an apartment, he no longer slept in the bedroom with her. He also had financial difficulties being able to afford moving out on his own.

Lemme just say that if he was doing half the things your ex is doing I would have completely dropped our interactions down to nothing more than just friends. If he's doing all of that there's no reason for them to stop sleeping together; hell, they're still doing everything they were doing before he spoke up about divorce!

Don't fall for this. Please. He sounds emotionally manipulative and apparently unable to just be alone, so he can work you over well enough to trade in one relationship for another.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 12-01-2012, 10:52 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Thanks.

Thanks for all the response. He is making great efforts to be with me. She is moving out next week. They are separating. He has told his adult children about it as well.

He flew to see me this past weekend and we have a lovely amazing visit. However, when I asked him the other day how he is feeling about us, he said "as good as could be considering the problem of being in love with 2 women.". He said previously he loved her but not in love so this was a big surprise especially since she's moving out. I said this changes things and I asked how can he imagine it working out between us if he is still in love with her (Remember, she is not up for poly with us). He said you cant put a rating scale on love, and that he's going forward with me so that should be enough. That the fact she's moving out should prove something to me.

When I asked if he is still sleeping with her he got very upset and ran away to think.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more understanding of his confusions? Or am I crazy to think I"m doomed with a man who seeks me out to reconcile with me after hurting me so bad, choosing me over his wife, telling me he isnt in love with her anymore, getting me back in love with him, and now after 4 months of moving forward slips that he's still in love with her??
Thanks for any input.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 12-01-2012, 02:15 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

What a poor poor guy. You don't realize how haaaard it is for him. You're asking all these questions! That's so much pressure! Why can't you just be glad you're getting such a prize of a man? That should be enough for you. Next thing you know, he'll want to bring another girlfriend into the picture and what, you gonna start asking questions about THAT, too? Your problem is that you won't stop being a harpy and treating your man like you appreciate him. I bet his wife did the same thing and now look where she is. You don't want to end up like her do you? Then clean up your act and get your ducks in order, woman. You obviously have issues with priorities.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 12-01-2012, 03:41 PM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 696
Default

Hi,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
He is making great efforts to be with me. She is moving out next week. They are separating. He has told his adult children about it as well.
Which of those indicates his effort to be with you? I'm a little confused. Also three months since previous post. 'Great efforts', to me, would have come sooner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
He flew to see me this past weekend and we have a lovely amazing visit.
Maybe you could be friends with benefits? Really good friends, who care about each other, clearly. If you look at it that, it might be less painful than thinking/expecting it will be more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
When I asked if he is still sleeping with her he got very upset and ran away to think.
But did he provide an answer? You might want to ask yourself why this is such a difficult question. I don't know how you present to HIM, but here, to me, you seem open to the answers, and like you have clarity about what's going on in your life, and clarity about what you want to know from him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
Am I over-reacting? Should I be more understanding of his confusions? Or am I crazy to think I"m doomed with a man who seeks me out to reconcile with me after hurting me so bad, choosing me over his wife, telling me he isnt in love with her anymore, getting me back in love with him, and now after 4 months of moving forward slips that he's still in love with her??
I think 'doomed' is a good word. I would not be nearly as understanding as you have been. I'd also like to point out, he didn't 'get' you back in love with him ~ you walked in all on your own accord. You had all the information, and you chose all your actions. You have the power over your own life.

I'm sad that your sitch sucks so much. Wishing you strength.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 12-01-2012, 04:25 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default Hard for him

Thanks boring Guy. I do know how hard it is for him. I hear about it frequently and i don't usually ask any questions I provide support. It's just he convinced me he was leaving the marraige earlier because he didn't love her anymore and hasn't in a long time. Now he's in love again. My heart hurts for him it must be terrible to love 2 when u can't have them both like he wants it....remember she is not up for poly. Not sure what you mean by not having priorities straight. I have put him first for a very long time and have been incredibly patient i think. I have already suggested being open to others and he is the one saying he doubts that to happen again because of how complicated it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
What a poor poor guy. You don't realize how haaaard it is for him. You're asking all these questions! That's so much pressure! Why can't you just be glad you're getting such a prize of a man? That should be enough for you. Next thing you know, he'll want to bring another girlfriend into the picture and what, you gonna start asking questions about THAT, too? Your problem is that you won't stop being a harpy and treating your man like you appreciate him. I bet his wife did the same thing and now look where she is. You don't want to end up like her do you? Then clean up your act and get your ducks in order, woman. You obviously have issues with priorities.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 12-01-2012, 04:40 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 41
Default

Thanks Novmber Rain
I agree the efforts took a long time...I would have preferred he ride in on a Whitehorse but I try hard to understand how hard this must be for him.

Friends with benefits is interesting but I'm fully in love w him I know I'd be settling for a partial relationship and unable to look for more outside of it.

He did not provide an answer and in fact has not contacted me at all for days now. He tends to take a lot of space when faced with a hard discussion like this and that hurts too especially since we just had a rare in person visit and it was going so well.

I do take responsibility for coming back to the relationship I just didn't realize I would be having to deal with his being back in love w her. He was Adament that was over. I guess knowing they were still "best friends" and doing things together including sleeping in same bed while she readied for moving out should have been a clue.

I have no idea what to do now

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Hi,



Which of those indicates his effort to be with you? I'm a little confused. Also three months since previous post. 'Great efforts', to me, would have come sooner.



Maybe you could be friends with benefits? Really good friends, who care about each other, clearly. If you look at it that, it might be less painful than thinking/expecting it will be more.



But did he provide an answer? You might want to ask yourself why this is such a difficult question. I don't know how you present to HIM, but here, to me, you seem open to the answers, and like you have clarity about what's going on in your life, and clarity about what you want to know from him.



I think 'doomed' is a good word. I would not be nearly as understanding as you have been. I'd also like to point out, he didn't 'get' you back in love with him ~ you walked in all on your own accord. You had all the information, and you chose all your actions. You have the power over your own life.

I'm sad that your sitch sucks so much. Wishing you strength.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
break-ups, primary, primary/secondary, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:51 AM.