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  #41  
Old 12-26-2009, 09:40 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
haha, I kinda figured Joreth was a metamour of yours Ceoli. she had interesting timing a while back.
Funnily enough, that timing was entirely coincidental! She joined this board a bit before I started exploring the possibility of a relationship with Tacit. Though I think right now we're still in potential land. We're still really just figuring out what we could develop into in the given circumstances.
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  #42  
Old 12-26-2009, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Funnily enough, that timing was entirely coincidental! She joined this board a bit before I started exploring the possibility of a relationship with Tacit. Though I think right now we're still in potential land. We're still really just figuring out what we could develop into in the given circumstances.
Cool! Things are so strange sometimes.

I hope something can be figured out. If not I'm sure the experience will put you on a more enlightened track when you get back to London. Good luck to you.
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  #43  
Old 12-26-2009, 10:38 PM
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I sorta feel like this thread has gone a really interesting direction... when I think of a DADT policy in terms of an open relationship, my automatic thought is situations where no information or very very little information is shared about metamours to other metamours.... Like, situations where there's an open relationship but the partners involved don't want to know if their partner is involved with someone much less who or to what extent.... and that's the sort of situation that I find unhealthy, and the situation that comes to mine when someone says "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

That said, what do I personally try to negotiate for? At bare minimum, I like to know names of who my loves are involved with, I like to hear some base information on who they are and what their interests are, if they look to be someone who's going to be around for awhile I like to meet them... As far as any sort of sexual involvement, the only information I feel I need to know is whether they are or aren't actively sexually involved... I don't need to know the whens or hows, though I honestly don't mind if it's shared (I personally love to talk about sex in general, so I do enjoy conversations about sex life... but I don't consider these conversations to be a vital part of being functionally poly).
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  #44  
Old 12-26-2009, 10:41 PM
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Ummm...I'm just wondering where all the other men are in this topic. My views of this level of detail are definitely much different and I am wondering if I am just a freak.
The only thing I really need to know is that Redpepper is intimate with someone. Outside of that "I don't want to know". With her tersiary I know they are sexually involved so I do not need to know when or what they do unless it could affect my health or hers. They have a sexual/BDSM relationship...that's all I need...no more please, not necessary and not interesting to me. Oddly enough we all had a great time at the BDSM event but I don't need to know about anything they do behind closed doors.
We've talked about this before and she knows that I prefer simply to know that they have a relationship that involves sexuality and have discussed how to avoid any unnecessary discomfort around it for me. And yes it is about me, I'll own that and am totally cool with it.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 12-26-2009 at 10:45 PM.
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  #45  
Old 12-27-2009, 01:01 AM
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A little late coming into this conversation, but that's an amazing project, Drunken Porcupine!
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  #46  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Um, they are all lined up in front of Mono's apartment building... poor dears, they are hoping one day he won't be mono, I will tell them to head up to Alaska for Maca then, K?
LMAO and trying not to pee in Maca's chair!!!!!!!!!
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  #47  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:32 AM
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I liked the article-I think for me its much like RP says. I COULD sit here and list all sorts of similarities and differences between Maca and GG. In point of fact, I do it a LOT with GG. But I don't with Maca.

I will simply stop the thought right there and if either of them cares to elaborate-well they can log in!
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  #48  
Old 12-30-2009, 01:30 AM
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Um, they are all lined up in front of Mono's apartment building... poor dears, they are hoping one day he won't be mono,
They are actually men dressed up like women hoping to get dirt on me so you'll dump my ass and I'll be out of the way
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  #49  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:02 AM
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This has been an amazing thread. And I've finally reached the bottom of it.

I am surprised to see DADT being discussed as a viable structure within a polyamorous relationship. In other discussions I've seen or participated in, it has been shut down nearly across the board as unhealthy. I feel joyful that it is not the case here.

I am a private person as well. I feel there should be boundaries between the relationships in a larger poly relationship unless all involved naturally feel comfortable getting closer. I specifically mean metamours here. I do not feel they have to connect to each other in any meaningful way. Or try to connect. It happens naturally or it doesn't. Because of this view I would not have a problem being with someone who has a DADT relationship once it was clearly known by all parties that more than one relationship existed around the pivot person.

There is also a progression of trust and intimacy for me. I share profound aspects of my life and myself with my love. I am in a dyad. We've been together for nearly 4 years and known each other a little longer than that. With someone new I wouldn't share as much until I felt ready.

Once while getting to know someone new, I shared something personal about myself and asked that it be kept secret. I was told that all partners would be told because they didn't keep secrets from each other. That really perturbed me and I did not feel inclined to share anything very deep about myself again because of the lack of privacy. It felt very uncomfortable and felt intrusive.

In the end striking a balance between everyone's comfort level seems to be the key.

~Raven~
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  #50  
Old 12-30-2009, 04:34 PM
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Interesting that even the term DADT seems to mean different things to different people.

The form of DADT that is unhealthy for me is one where one partner claims that another is ok with their non-monogamy but does not want to know another relationship even exists, much less who it is with or heaven forbid, actually interact with the metamour at any time.

Having different levels of comfort about discussing details within open relationships is simply that to me: different levels of comfort that are more connected to the individuals involved rather than the relationships. As such, I think those sorts of conversations are best left to negotiations between each dyad.

To me the difference is simple. If I call the house and your SO answers, will the phone be cheerfully handed over? If we are seen together out in public and it is mentioned to your other partner, will s/he be ok with that? If a medical emergecy occurs when you are with your other partner, will I be notified?

If the answer to questions like those is yes, then I don't define that relationship as a DADT in my lexicon, regardless of the level of disclosure beyond that bare minimum. My presence and our relationship are acknowledged and accepted and while that may not be my preferred depth of connection to metamours, it is a situation that doesn't feel inherently unhealthy.

If the answers are negative, then I really don't want to be a part of that sort of configuration because it makes me feel as though we are cheating, even if we technically are not.

One of the reasons I am out to virtually everyone in my life is because I like to talk about my life. It's far easier to simply explain once who everyone is instead of censoring myself when I talk about something that I did with rosevette or an event that the four of us attended or even conversation about the various kids in our family.
To participate in a DADT relationship would require me to restrict my casual conversations in fear that something I said might reach the ears of my partner's SO and cause problems.

I find that my partners mostly are not interested in hearing intimate details about each other and while I would be comfortable with such discussions, I don't really need them. But we do chat about the mundane things that happen in everyday life and that is something that I do prefer.

Perhaps because there was no "primary couple opening up" in any of my configurations, many of the protective rules simply never have applied to the relationships that are in my life.

Whatever it is, I am blessed to have found such a wonderful family of choice who share the same vision and values as I do.
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