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Old 12-21-2009, 06:58 AM
NeedAdvice NeedAdvice is offline
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Unhappy I need some advice - Please be kind

I don't know where to begin.

I was in a committed relationship with a woman for almost three years until about two months ago when she discovered that I was romantically involved with another woman that I met through work. It started off very innocently, talking through email, meeting for lunches, becoming close friends, but we just couldn't help but fall in love with eachother. She knew I was already involved with someone. We both tried to do the right thing but couldn't help ourselves.

Both women are completely different people with completely different appearances and personalities. My primary is brunette, very curvy and overweight while my new love interest is blonde, slim with an athletic figure so there is clearly an asthetic difference between the two.

I'm in love with both of them and I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

My primary has moved out and she knows that I'm seeing my new interest, but we are still seeing eachother intimately. I am sleeping with both of them. My primary knows that I'm sleeping with someone else but my new interest isn't completely aware that I'm still as emotionally involved as I am with my original girlfriend.

I never imagined that I would find myself in this predicament. I have tried talking to friends and family and I find no useful advice from them whatsoever. Their views are too negative and unrealistic.

I've always been strictly monogamous in nature but I couldn't help but love both of these women. They are unique and different from eachother in almost every way but I find myself more bonded to my primary in some aspects. We're more best friends while I'm more of a lover to my secondary. My primary is younger while my secondary is older.

I find myself torn between losing both of them - my primary has had unconventional relationships with prior partners in the past where she was accepting of him wanting to introduce others into the relationship. She wasn't happy with the way it turned out then, but I'm wondering if she would be willing to allow me to have a extracurricular romantic and intimate relationships.

I don't think my secondary would be willing to share me with another either- I think she would likely be very disappointed that I feel this way. I honestly don't know - I just realized how I still feel for my primary these past three days!

Can someone please help me? I need some advice. I feel as though loving either of them is not enough and that I am only fulfilled with loving both of them. I'm a giver by nature. I love pleasuring them both sexually especially. They have both told me that I'm the most satisfying lover that either of them have ever had so I have that added pressure on top of everything.

I feel as though whatever I do that I'm going to lose either of them. I had never really heard of the term "polyamory" until my primary commented that she never imaged that I'm a polyamorist - a few google searches later and here I am on this forum spilling out my heart and hoping someone has some practical advice for me.

I don't know what I want - on the other hand, I want many things, the usual things that most people my age want, to have my own home, to be wealthy, to have children, and I find that in many ways these things are more easily possible with my primary than my secondary. There are many things to consider, my primary's weight problem, my secondary's age and the fact that she already has a 10 year old daughter.

My head keeps spinning and spinning.

Somebody have mercy and please tell me what to do!
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2009, 01:12 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Wow. Sounds like a tough spot you're in.

My advice would be to dive right into the honesty pool and start swimming like crazy. If you truly love both of these women and you want a real committed relationship with both of them, you have to trust them both with all your secrets. Anything less is an insult, really.

I have found it amazing that my wife and I can be completely honest about what we want out of life after having discovered that hiding our true desires breeds nothing but longing and resentment. While poly is not the defining aspect of our relationship, it has been instrumental in our development over the last year. For us, being honest is more of a driving factor than protecting the other (or ourselves) from a difficult conversation.

Cliché as it may be, the truth will set you free.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 12-21-2009, 03:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Needadvice,

Well, your "discovery" is somewhat classic in that you've discovered the possibility of having a real heart connection with more than one person. And it sounds pretty classic too that they both have varying attributes you are attracted to that are unique.
But here's the one caution I'd add - one you probably have in your mind anyway. Your secondary (currently), being a single Mom with a 10 yr old daughter is likely to have needs, desires, and an agenda completely outside the scope of debating poly/mono lovestyles. While your primary might or might not be comfortable switching roles and becoming the secondary - even if she were and YOU were, out of practical reasons (money, stability, insurance etc), from what you wrote it seems there would be a huge question of your current secondary being comfortable with any aspects of polyamory.
So you are now put into a "principled" position of opening up with honesty as Catfish rightly suggested if you believe that in concept and reality, poly is going to be a requirement for your happiness - whether it's with these two particular women or not.
Or..............
You can just acknowledge that you've seen the proof positive of the possibility but are not quite up to the reality of it. Which means you have to choose. But even that is not letting you off the hook because someone will be hurt including yourself.
I would try to get a discussion started with your secondary if you haven't already about the REAL advantages for everyone involved. Based on that conversation & reaction, you'll have some decisions to make.

Good luck ! I hope everyone can detach & think rationally.

GS
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:10 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedAdvice View Post

I'm in love with both of them and I'm at a loss as to what to do next.
. . .
Somebody have mercy and please tell me what to do!
Okay, BrotherMan, here's what you do:
Spend some quality time with your innermost heart and figure out what you really want. Make yourself breathe deeply and find your center. Then whatever you do will be coming from your authentic self.

Then, sit down with each of your loves and share your heart with them. With love, respect and compassion for everyone concerned, be honest and let them know what you need and want.

If you and your primary had agreed to be monogamous, you violated your agreement and her trust by becoming "romantically involved" (as you say) with your OSO, and the three of you will have to work through those issues if the three of you are to have a future. I'm not saying it's impossible, but you didn't do yourself any favors there.

But if you approach the situation now with honesty, respect and compassion for everyone involved, you still have a chance to build lasting relationships here.
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  #5  
Old 12-22-2009, 05:54 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think any chance of long term success will have to begin by being honest with them. Lay it all down on the table about how you feel. It is not easy going through all of this for anyone. Talk to them about ethical nonmonogamy. Let them know they are unique people and are not in competition with each other. You love for each is different.

Try to get them to learn about polyamory.

Good luck.
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  #6  
Old 12-22-2009, 06:19 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Here's the thing .. I'm going to be kind, but I'm also going to be honest.

Quote:
It started off very innocently, talking through email, meeting for lunches, becoming close friends, but we just couldn't help but fall in love with eachother. She knew I was already involved with someone. We both tried to do the right thing but couldn't help ourselves.
and
Quote:
but I couldn't help but love both of these women.
"We couldn't help ourselves" is the ultimate cop out for doing something you know is wrong. I understand that you built this connection. I understand that you felt these emotions. But adults who are willing to take responsibilty for his (and her) actions don't fall back on "we couldn't help ourselves" when they let it move to the next level.

And even more so - you made a choice to cheat (and I'm talking about both of you) when there was a 10 year old child involved who could potentially be harmed by the results of the cheating or the relationships.

I think the first thing that you both have to do before you can come to any resolution is admit to yourselves and each other that you MADE A CHOICE. You made a choice to cheat - emotionally and physically.

Quote:
My primary knows that I'm sleeping with someone else but my new interest isn't completely aware that I'm still as emotionally involved as I am with my original girlfriend.
So you're continuing to cheat, but from the reverse side this time.


Quote:
I don't think my secondary would be willing to share me with another either-
So your secondary cheated with you (on your primary) and now she wouldn't be "willing to share you"? Don't you thnk that's just a tad bit hypocritical? She'll cheat with you on your partner, but you can't have anyone else but her?

Quote:
Can someone please help me? I need some advice. I feel as though loving either of them is not enough and that I am only fulfilled with loving both of them. I'm a giver by nature. I love pleasuring them both sexually especially. They have both told me that I'm the most satisfying lover that either of them have ever had so I have that added pressure on top of everything.
Are you poly because you really feel that it is within you to love two women, or are you high on the idea of having sex with two different (and apparently radically different) women and the ego boost of having both of them tell you what a fantastic lover you are?

Quote:
There are many things to consider, my primary's weight problem
Why? What does her weight have to do with whether or not you love her?

Quote:
I had never really heard of the term "polyamory" until my primary commented that she never imaged that I'm a polyamorist -
Having an affair doesn't make you a polyamorist. Cheating (on your primary or your secondary) most defintely makes you the opposite of a polyamorist.

Right now I don't see that you have a primary and a secondary. Right now I see that you have a girlfriend who you cheated on with a lover who you are now cheating on with your girlfriend.

Until you resolve the cheating issues, you can't even begin to discuss the idea of poly with either of them or with anyone else, IMO.

I think you need to spend some time apart from each of them and REALLY thinking about what it is you want - a real, honest, OPEN relationship with both of them, or the thrill of being a secret lover and getting the ego stroking from each of them as they fight over you.

And I'm sorry if you don't find that kind - it's not meant to be unkind. But it is an honest review of what I see in what you wrote.
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  #7  
Old 12-22-2009, 10:31 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I'm afraid I have to echo what others have said.

First you need to take a cold hard look at yourself and what you want (and maybe a side-order of why you want it). Be very very honest with yourself (if you can't be honest with yourself, then you can't really be honest with anyone else).

How important is the truth to you? How important is it that you have a truly open and honest relationship with the both of them? If the truth isn't as important and you would rather go through life essentially doing what it takes to hold on to both of them, then that is your decision, but if you decide that then nobody on this forum will be helping you, because that breaks on of the necessary definitions of poly.

Once you have decided this, and if you have decided that you really need this to be open and honest then you really need to start talking with them openly and honestly about how you feel. I won't pretend with you that this will go well - they will be upset and angry and feel cheated on (because, let's be honest, they were). The question is whether they want to continue with this. Yes you may lose both of them once they both realise that you have lied to them both. That is the risk of cheating first, and then wanting to be honest. You will almost definitely have to go without sex for a while with either of them.

When you have got to that point, you (all involved) then need to start thinking about all the stuff that poly partnerships need - and there is ample reading on this subject out there. Is this something that you all really want in your lives? Which of the typical poly configurations will work for the three of you (note that I didn't say "which one do YOU want").

This is not going to be easy, and I'm not going to pretend that it will be, but I wish you luck.
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  #8  
Old 12-24-2009, 12:05 AM
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Great post Crisare!

Honest and straight forward, just as you can't build a house on a crumbling foundation, you can't build a relationship with lies/cheating!
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Old 12-24-2009, 08:18 AM
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If you should decide to embark on being poly with these two women, if they are interested in that also, then I would suggest that you realize you are going to always be up front and honest and communicate every step of the way... saying you can't help yourself is not going to fly, you will have to get used to really looking at why you do things and what motivates you to do them.

If it is that you think it's kind of crazy wild that you managed to get TWO women,,,, wooo hoooo.... then I suggest you let one free or both because that isn't what poly is all about. On the other hand, you seem to really want some support and advice, so if you really are in love with both then I would agree that you will need to start checking with yourself about everything you think, feel and do and then tell them both every second it comes up... I am here to tell you, there is no hiding in such relationships if you want it to work for the long haul.. just not possible.

good luck.
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  #10  
Old 12-26-2009, 09:08 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Oh yeah - forgot to add - there are two reasons for doing things that I will not accept - one is "I couldn't help myself" and the other is "I was so drunk/high that I didn't know what I was doing". Maybe there are others, but they are equivalent to me.

There are two possibilities for me when someone says that: the first is that they really wanted to do it, but can't think up a good reason why they broke your trust and cheated on you; the second is that they are so lacking in self-control that they can not be relied upon.

Neither for me are a solid foundation for a relationship, I'm afraid.
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