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  #11  
Old 11-23-2012, 12:53 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by kitkat88 View Post
From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it.
I don't think it's always about fear or judgment, and sometimes not about lack of understanding, either.

From the start, I have seen the inherent problems with polyamory, particularly for a single person dating a married one. My bf, from the start, who has been living this way for years and understands poly quite well, has told me upfront that it's become an issue for him every single time as these single women start off thinking they'll be okay with it, fall in love, and then, surprise, struggle to accept that he's got a wife and is never going to be any more to them than a guy who sweet talks them but can't ultimately give them anything more.

After a year in, I feel I, too, have a decent enough understanding of poly, and I'm happy enough with the 'part-time boyfriend' deal for many reasons related to my current life...but my situation isn't typical.

The average single woman on a dating site is usually not looking for a half-time boyfriend, one who often can't include her in vacations or holidays, one whose wife in theory could nix the relationship any time and whose wife may be defining the boundaries of their relationship; one who perhaps does not want their relationship acknowledged if he's still in the closet; one she has a hard time explaining to family and friends; one who may not be able to be there if she has a need, because he's on a date or vacation with his wife; one who cannot follow the normal course to engagement, marriage, children. People in general do not go on dating sites looking for a relationship that will be limited from the very start.

It's not fear, judgment, or lack of understanding to not want to date a married man. It's a very clear understanding of the very real problems that are inherent to dating a married man, no matter how much his wife knows and accepts. It's understanding one's own wants and needs from a relationship, and wisely discerning that a married man does not meet that criteria. This is valid and reasonable and should not be discounted as fear, judgment, or lack of understanding.

A person should not be faulted or dismissed as fearful, judgmental, or not understanding, for exercising their prerogative NOT to date a married man.
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  #12  
Old 11-23-2012, 01:36 PM
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Andy4700 Andy4700 is offline
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Excellent post, Whathappened. I could not agree much more.

I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.

I hold out hope that there are a few girls out there that have been married and would never want that again / value their independence too much to want to be tied down in a traditional relationship / are wired poly and want a secondary ect.

It never hurts to ask but always hurts to push...
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2012, 02:17 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by Andy4700 View Post
I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.
and a lot of guys too, for that matter. Can't count the number of OKC messages I've gotten from single guys looking for their 'soulmate to share everything with' (and yes, it is clearly stated on my profile that I am already in a relationship with three other men).

I have a couple of friends (single, looking for a monogamous relationship) who are active on dating sites, and they seem to have just as much, or even more, problems in finding nice people to date, as I did when I started out 'dating while married'. So I'm not even sure anymore that it's the poly-thing that makes things difficult.

Just yesterday, I got a nice message from a guy who has the same taste in music as I do. He is listed as single, and hasn't answered any questions about open relationships. I replied, and asked: so what do you think about the poly-part of my profile? and he replies that he is interested in it, and that btw, he has a girlfriend and she deosn't know he's on OKC. So, I'm glad he's honest about it in the first message, and say byebye.

So this was a case of someone actually attracted to my profile because I am married.. thinking that would mean I wouldn't mind the fact that he is cheating or thinking about cheating.
Not what I'm looking for obviously, but I guess my point is that there are SO many people on dating sites, it just takes a ton of time and patience and careful wording of your profile and only messaging people whose profile you are really drawn to, to make it work. Married or single, that goes foreveryone trying out the online dating pool.
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  #14  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:08 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy4700 View Post
Excellent post, Whathappened. I could not agree much more.

I totally respect the ladies that are looking for "the one" and hold on to the dream of marriage. Having been there now, I have mixed feelings about it personally, but I do see it work out blissfully for many, and genuinely wish that for anyone seeking that lifestyle.

I hold out hope that there are a few girls out there that have been married and would never want that again / value their independence too much to want to be tied down in a traditional relationship / are wired poly and want a secondary ect.

It never hurts to ask but always hurts to push...
Yes, exactly. For some people, the situation works. I'm happy with this 'half-time boyfriend' thing for some of the reasons you mention, and for others. At another time in my life, I may find this totally unacceptable, and it will have nothing to do with fear, ignorance, or lack of understanding. It simply is not going to be right for most people.
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  #15  
Old 11-28-2012, 05:53 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Most of the people on OKC that are a high match% for me are poly or ok with open relationships because I've made it a high priority in my questions answered. I've been lucky to have a strong poly community locally where I can meet people, but I've also met a few through OKC.

When I message people I comment in a way that makes it clear I've actually read their profile. My wife puts in her profile that she'll respond to anyone that sends her a link to a webcomic, and very few do. Also, for photos, I make a point of using ones in which I'm doing something I enjoy, not just standing and smiling for the camera. It seems to help.

When I was more actively using OKC (too busy trying to see the people I'm already dating now), I found I could message people for a couple months and rarely hear anything back, then get messages from several people and have dates with 3 different people set up. It doesn't always make sense, just work on your profile, answer questions, post good photos, and message at least a couple people per day that genuinely interest you.

Outside of that, you may actually get better results simply going out and doing what you enjoy and seeing who you meet along the way, maybe trying meetup.com. Also, see if you can find any local poly meetup groups.
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