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Old 11-27-2012, 01:10 PM
Daysleeper Daysleeper is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 21
Default Husband Crazy on NRE

I need some advice about communicating with my husband who is completely in the throes of NRE.

Some background: we have been practicing for four years with very little conflict. Up til now, hubby had never met someone he really emotionally bonded with. I had and had been involved with such people several times. Hubby meets an old high school girlfriend of mine. All of us spend a total of seven days together in 3 months, mostly because she lives 500 miles away. She becomes affectionate towards both of us and we return it, but thus far, there has not been even as much as kissing. In high school, this girl and I broke up because she adamantly refused to discuss our relationship, our future, our desires or our emotions. I felt I be never knew where I stood with her. I finally insisted that we talk about it, arranged a specific time to do it: she disappears and I don't hear from her for over a year. She contacted me after 18 months or so, we hung out as friends a few times, didn't speak to her for years, then ran into her by chance again recently. After the affection, I tried to talk to her about her position on non-monogamy, she would not answer. She goes back to her home 500 miles away

When we get home, hubby is talking about marrying her, buying her a car in the near future, inviting her on a trip we planned 6 months ago with friends and paying all of her expenses, spending 100s of dollars a month flying her up here regularly, etc.

I told him I thought it would be a mistake to do something like invite her on a trip before we even knew her position on monogamy, Ldrs, etc, not even getting into specific interest and desire questions. Hubby replies that her behavior makes it obvious she wants to have a non monogamous Ldr with both of us, and she only doesn't say so because she hates talking about emotional things. I have pointed out the difference between hand holding and entering a relationship, but he doesn't see it. He says he may be acting irrationally, but the last time he met a woman who made him act irrationally, he met me. That turned out well, so it must be a good sign in this case too.

How do I talk to my husband about investing too much time and money into something that is not yet even a relationship when he already feels it is very significant? How do I convince him a poly relationship that doesn't involve verbal communication about relationships or feelings will be very difficult, and insisting she talk about these things is necessary? How can I help him see the situation clearly? I have dated people I was serious about for years and not thought these actions appropriate. He has never suggested anything like what he is suggesting here with regards to those relationships. He says we should spend 100s of dollars and almost all of our free time next month on her so we can see if it will work out. I'm not so sure about that idea. It isn't something we have ever done for anyone before.

I want harmony, but I really feel we should wait awhile before spending large amounts of money on her and/or inviting her to live with us. Any advice on how to communicate that to my nre-stricken husband?
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