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  #1521  
Old 11-25-2012, 02:58 AM
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Mono had his retirement work lunch yesterday. He got many accolades for a job well done over 22 years of service in the Canadian Navy. It was an afternoon of beer, food, pats on the back, presentations and a lot of men in one room. Ha! I wasn't used to that part.

I got an award too. One for the amount of support and time I have put in to supporting Mono in his job. It felt weird receiving it. I am not used to appreciation and although I was choked up at the sentiment I felt part of the appreciation should go to his ex wife. I emailed her for the first time with a picture of me holding it and wrote that I received it on her behalf also as she put in 17 years of marriage to him. I haven't heard back.

It has been interesting and quite comfortable to have Ken around lately. He came for awhile and my co-worker, his gf, showed up too. It was the first time I sat and talked with them together. It went fine. He seemed pleased to sit back and let us talk about work. I felt a sense of relief and reflected on the journey to get to that point afterwards for a bit.

Last night we went to visit our friends up the mountain. We met them when Mono lived up there and we first started dating. After four years they have decided to move out of province this winter. Its the end of an era. Many weekends we have spent with them up there and last night was not only Mono's retirement party, but a kind of a good bye. I found it to be a sad event on many levels due to several circumstances. Everything is changing some how...

I haven't seen Brad or Derby much lately. I have spent most of my time by myself. Taking the time I need to think and re-group on my own. I am transforming some how and I am allowing that process to unfold. I'm turning to myself and giving myself a good look over. Hopefully this will help me understand where my future will go and help me make choices that are healthy for me in the long run. My mind is shifting it seems. When I say to myself I need to look after my primary, myself, it is beginning to take on a whole new meaning. Its early days yet, but that shift is happening.
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  #1522  
Old 11-27-2012, 03:39 AM
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I am waiting for a revelation and a realization of what I should be doing. I spend my time talking to Mono, and then processing the bits I get. That and carrying on life.

It isn't coming. Nothing is coming. Okay its been two weeks. That and ten months worth of him knowing he could love others and hiding it for the most part. Only to want to continue to hide it.

I feel like there is not any indication that I am worth being considered. So much for the "extended consideration" he spoke so highly of. I don't feel considered at all.

Its all about his autonomy, his freedom. When did I become so controlling to him? Just by my very existence?

I worked hard all this time to balance; create a life that meant others could be happy and be free do as they will. Now I am left wondering what I did. Maybe I shouldn't of brought this into my life.

Mono used to be proud that he was with me. Now I am a burden and a block to his freedom to hit the road? I am in some way making him look less than independent? I am somehow making him look like he is tethered down? I have become a burden on his life and his future?

I feel as if I am suppose to sit here and wait for him to come home and suck up what I want for my life; suck up my feelings and just deal. I want some boundaries agreed to. Why is that so hard... I agreed to his boundaries. Why can't he? At least to see if it works. Is that really so smothering to his freedom in the long run?

It worries me that what I ask for seems reasonable to him yet he is unwilling to consider it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. All this effort all written here and what was it for? I really don't know. What am I suppose to be learning?
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-27-2012 at 03:44 AM.
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  #1523  
Old 11-27-2012, 04:41 AM
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Oh RP, I'm so sorry. So many good people going through really tough times right now.
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  #1524  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Oh RP, I'm so sorry. So many good people going through really tough times right now.
really? Who? I haven't been keeping up. Too absorbed in my own stuff.
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  #1525  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:26 AM
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  #1526  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:28 AM
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Thanks to you too. Been thinking about you. Why do we do this poly shit LR? Why? I want monogamy. This sucks.
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  #1527  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:34 AM
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Thanks to you too. Been thinking about you. Why do we do this poly shit LR? Why? I want monogamy. This sucks.
I think we've all been there with that thought at one time or another. It might make for a more even life but when things are going well in poly they're really good, and I think you appreciate the good times more because the not so good times are really not so good.
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  #1528  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:38 AM
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I think we've all been there with that thought at one time or another. It might make for a more even life but when things are going well in poly they're really good, and I think you appreciate the good times more because the not so good times are really not so good.
ya, remind me of good times? I forget.
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  #1529  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:53 AM
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really? Who? I haven't been keeping up. Too absorbed in my own stuff.
AnotherConfused, BaggagePatrol, HyperSkeptic, and others I'm not thinking of just at the moment. Things go painful and bad in monogamy too, of course, I remember this from experience...
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  #1530  
Old 11-27-2012, 05:58 AM
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Dressing up and playing bocci ball at poly camp NW, when we all came to your first burlesque show and brought you flowers, the camping trips that you set up where we all talk and laugh deep into the night. Or even just the simplicity of knowing there's more than one person in the world who has your back 100%.
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