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  #21  
Old 09-06-2012, 07:56 PM
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Default Clearing

My foul mood is starting to lift, slowly, slowly.

Things with Vix are still raw, and we have a lot of work to do. The big thing now, aside from just recovering from recent trauma, is that she would like to put back on the table the possibility of her moving to Germany with one or both of the girls next year, mainly to see if she can wean herself from asthma medications that are themselves causing chronic health problems.

The prospect fills me with horror and dread and yet, every time I try to articualte my horror and dread, it's taken as a sign that I'm some sort of insensitive monster, that I don't trust Vix's judgment.

I'm at a loss for what to do about that.

In the near term, though, we're starting to settle back into our partnership at home, though it's very difficult to feel or express a lot of affection just now. Vix has pointed this out to me - flung it at me, really - which has just caused further dismay.

Facing our predicament is like getting kicked in the stomach, again and again. I'm doubled over, gasping for breath, and being berated for not being open and affectionate.

As I said, we have a lot of work to do.

In the mean time, I'll be meeting Nyx for lunch tomorrow.She's been reading this thread, and was concerned I was planning to break up with her.

The funny, stupid thing is that I was convinced she would want to break up with me! I mean, what the hell good am I to her?

She and I need to work through a growing distance between us. In an email exchange with her today, I wondered whether the issue is that each of us is trying too hard to stay out of the other's way, to not cause chaos or disruption or added stress in the other's life. So, we don't ask or expect enough of each other.

We're both trying so hard to be low-maintenance that we're not maintaining anything!

So, she and I have work to do, too.

One thing I don't want to lose sight of as this mood lifts is the sense of responsibity it brought to the fore, the sense of seriousness in doing what needs to be done. But this also applies to the work of tending to the relationships that matter most to me, with Vix and the girls, and with Nyx.

I'm still feeling disoriented; the fog hasn't entirely dispersed, and there may still be darkness ahead.

But I'm trying to right myself, nonetheless.
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  #22  
Old 09-06-2012, 09:28 PM
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Default More Clearing

Further conversation with Vix.

Thaw in progress.
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  #23  
Old 09-07-2012, 05:52 PM
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Default Change of Direction

I had lunch with Nyx just now, and she clearly had more to say than could be said in a restaurant. Talking about her own life, the complication of her various commitments, the continuing struggles of her not-quite-primary partner, she was getting pretty upset.

We came back to my place, so we could talk in private. With some coaxing and reassurance, she told me she couldn't date me any more.

It will take a while for the full impact of that to sink in, but I can't really claim to be surprised. She has for some time been, in her own words, stretched too thin. If I'm being honest with myself, I'd have to say it's a good decision for her.

At that point in the conversation I had assured her that, whatever direction our relationship might take, I would be a friend to her. I care for her very much, and she cares for me . . . it's just that the form of that caring will be different, from now on.

Still, this makes me think further about being poly. I mean, one of the things that worried my most in my relationship with Nyx is that there is a limit to what I can offer her, given my other commitments, which meant there was a limit to what I could, in all fairness, expect of her.

How can any relationship thrive under such limitations? How can people avoid being discontented?

I'm not sure, but I may be just about done here.
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  #24  
Old 09-07-2012, 08:14 PM
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Viability-

I think it really and truly depends upon what peoPle want. For example, i dont think i could do poly with a partner who lived further than across the street. But, living altogether I can manage two relationships. I personally want to see my partners daily.
But, other people dont mind if they are limited to seeing partners once a week. It is so very individual.

I will say, i do not think its viable if the parties aren't on the same page with their relationship needs.
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  #25  
Old 09-08-2012, 12:58 PM
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That's all very nice, LR, but not really to the point.

The point is that, even if a live-in triad/quad/vee/n/w is what we were aiming for, there's no way to get there from here.

The point is that I have very little time or energy to offer anyone other than my wife and children because I am also deeply engaged in professional and community life.

I simply cannot ask or expect anyone to be in a relationship with me that will either have to subsist on the crumbs and leavings of my time and attention, or that will cause me to shirk my responsibilities to Vix, the girls, my students, my colleagues, my employer, and my community.

I have reached the conclusion that I should for the foreseeable future be de facto monogamous.

I am also beginning to see why, for most people most of the time, monogamy actually makes a lot of sense.
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  #26  
Old 09-21-2012, 11:59 AM
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Default Ethical Monogamy

In the end, I was poly - or thought I was - for about 18 months. That's about the length of time it takes for a crush to run its course, which seems about right.

My "conversion" back to monogamy has been as swift and thorough as my "conversion" to poly back in March 2011. It's a little like waking up from a pleasant dream in which anything is possible to the dawning realization that I'm still earthbound, but that it's all right.

What turned me, in the end, is the inescapable conclusion that I cannot really do justice to an additional intimate relationship without doing an injustice to my wife, my daughters, and all the others to whom I have commitments. I really do mean "justice" and "injustice" in a full-blooded, ethical sense of those terms.

As I've written, I have responsibilities I ought not to shirk. If I take the additional responsibilities of an intimate relationship with someone else, I will fail in upholding one or another - or all - of those responsibilities. I will end up using someone, taking someone for granted, for the sake of mere desire.

I also understand, more deeply than before, that my own happiness, my own striving to live a rich and full life, is not best served by indulging my libido, chasing after the thrill of falling in love, or giving in to the delusion that I can have or do or be anything I want.

Still, eighteen months of thinking I could be polyamorous has had its effects, and they will be lasting. Before, I tended to take monogamy for granted: I was monogamous because that is what one does.

Now and into the future, I am and will be monogamous consciously, deliberately, ethically. It is the most responsible choice available to me.

That my wife thinks of herself as polyamorous, and will soon be leaving again to spend a few weeks with her boyfriend in Europe, is a serious complication, but her circumstances are different from mine, and I cannot choose for her. She will have to judge for herself whether she can uphold all her responsibilities, and she and I will have to keep working to find our way together.

Now, I think, I really am done here. I've learned a lot from this forum, really.

Thank you all.

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 09-21-2012 at 12:03 PM.
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  #27  
Old 09-21-2012, 12:53 PM
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"Now and into the future, I am and will be monogamous consciously, deliberately, ethically. It is the most responsible choice available to me."

This seems like a win to me. Best of luck, Hyper.
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  #28  
Old 11-26-2012, 02:38 PM
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In theory, poly is very pretty, a vision of freely given consent and boundless love.

In practice, poly is a snare and a delusion, a reckless indulgence that upends households, drains resources and lays waste to souls.

I just thought you all should know this.
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  #29  
Old 11-26-2012, 03:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
In practice, poly is a snare and a delusion, a reckless indulgence that upends households, drains resources and lays waste to souls.
For some people. Not all. I see poly as something so much simpler than many others do. It seems many folks really complicate the shit out of having multiple love relationships, when it can be as easy, simple, and rewarding as having multiple friends.

Sorry it's gone badly for you.
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  #30  
Old 11-26-2012, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
In practice, poly is a snare and a delusion, a reckless indulgence that upends households, drains resources and lays waste to souls.

I just thought you all should know this.
I am sorry the experience went so poorly for you. Wish you the best.
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