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  #31  
Old 11-22-2012, 07:07 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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I'm going to skip over late weekend and write about the multi-part conversation between Airyn, Chipmunk and I tonight.

One of Airyn and I's biggest concern is how comfortable Chipmunk really is with He and I being intimate while she is home. From hugs, kissing, making out to sex. Be it in the when we are all together in the kitchen, or when it is just the two of us in the shower or the next room. I have let Airyn know that I am fine with the intimacy and sex between he and Chipmunk. That my issue is MY perception of the two of them being able to do thing he and I can't (or don't get to) do. And that I realize that it is MY perception, and that it is something I have to work on.

So Chipmunk got off work tonight, and we are all chatting amicably in the kitchen. Airyn is making us all something to eat. So we talk about a suggestion/offer that Chipmunk made earlier in the day. Airyn had related her idea to me a couple days ago, but i just kind of blew it off. She wasn't coming to me with the offer, and while it is something I would like I didn't see it as something she was truly comfortable with. So I bring it up, and tell her that the reason I said I needed to think about how I feel about it first is that I'm not confident in what she expects. All I did was ask questions and see what her answers were. They were what I had hoped for. That she was OK with what she was offering. She and I are on the same page, I'm trying to offer her the time she wants with Airyn, and she is trying to offer me the same. Since this is a new offer, and Airyn is uncertain we made it clear that if she finds that she is uncomfortable she has to let us (or at least Airyn) know the same day. Neither of us what her to be uncomfortable. We also talked about her offer being something that I could return the favor for her, and have decided to wait till next weekend before we try it out. Airyn was still worried that it would be uncomfortable and cause him extra stress, so Chipmunk and I both agreed that he nees to give us girls the chance to see how we feel before he gets worried about it.

This is a big step. For one thing the largest part of the conversation was about her expressing her needs/wants. I reiterated again that if she doesn't tell me what she wants then I can't look for ways to provide her with her wants. I explained that if she and I had never had our talk the first Friday of my vacation that I wouldn't be looking for ways to provide her with more day time wakeful hours with Airyn. That my next outing with a new female friend was planned on her day off because it is her day off. I told her that i could have planned it for the day before or the day after, but I chose her day off so she could have what I now understand is something she wants. Daylight hours with Airyn where she is wide awake and not jeopardizing her sleep schedule.

From there I brought up money, and how Airyn has explained that to Chipmunk my way of splitting/sharing the household gas and food expenses is too nebulous and uncertain for Chipmunk. So as a group (threesome) we hashed out a good starting point. And I offered her a solution to her stated problem with bringing her lunch with her to her job so that Airyn does HAVE to bring her anything. I also explained that I realize the real point behind that demand was so that Airyn would come see her on his lunch break. I pointed out that the concern she keeps bring up she has invalidated with her own actions at home. And told her that it doesn't matter if that is a concern or not I have a solution to that that covers both of her concerns, and allows me to have at least one of her work days per week where Airyn isn't obligated to be at her job for her lunch. I also pointed out how she felt the last time she got pissy before going to work and told Airyn not to bother bringing her a lunch. He showed up of his OWN desire to see her at her lunch time, and she was giddy with pleasure. I pointed out that he WANTS to visit her on her lunch break, so she has no need to be so ridge about it. I told her that really All I'm asking for is that if she is working on Fridays to let me have those with Airyn uninterrupted by her. She agreed and was actually all smiles.

I also told her that I feel a time will come where I am up for and able to do certain things with her and Airyn that I would LIKE to be able to do. That right now I'm still angry with her. And that I realize that it is my issue to deal with. I also point out that she has a jealousy issue that she has to work around. I told her that it is normal, and she just has to work it out. That she needs to come to Airyn and I will her issues, and realize that Airyn LOVES her and that she loves him. I told her that if she can't see that then there is a serious problem.

We also talked seriously about shower sexy times. Something that has been acceptable most of the time, but recently Airyn has become uncomfortable because one or the other of us did or said something that made him feel we were NOT ok with it. So she and I both agreed that we are OK. And then it was past time for Chipmunk to get some sleep as she has work bright and early. So I told her to hop in the shower with Airyn. She was complaining about back pain due to working. I told her to take a hot shower, and enjoy the comfort that that and Airyn can provide. That these two things will help her fall a sleep and to sleep better. That she will thank me in the morning cause she will feel better. She was about to ignore my advice so I followed her into the bedroom, and told her and Airyn to get her into a hot shower take care of both of those needs and then she can fall asleep. She and I even kissed for the first time in about a month.

So for now things are looking up. I'm trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too much. Will update as time goes on and I see how things work out.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #32  
Old 11-22-2012, 05:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, I have to hand it to you for hanging in there with this situation. I've been reading your blog and am fascinated by how you are conducting your relationships. There seem to be so many aspects of Chipmunk and Airyn's relationship that you are forced to micro-manage to the nnnnnth degree, and Airyn seems to want to be in control of how you and Chipmunk even speak to each other, what can and cannot be discussed between you, and how things are said and interpreted. That would drive me nuts. I am a very detail-oriented person, but in my own relationships I wouldn't be able to handle such detailed negotiating and all the... nitpicking?... others do that you wind up having to answer to and navigate around. I guess it's because she lives with you that you are sort of put in a position of managing her, too. She sounds so much younger and less mature than you. I can't imagine having to tell a grown adult to bring her own lunch to work, nor that it would even be an issue relationship-wise (what would she do - just not eat at all if Airyn didn't bring her lunch? When she works within walking distance of home? It boggles the mind). I'm not criticizing, but it's kind of exhausting (for me) to read your posts. However, I can't look away.

I do admire how thoughtful you are and how you keep coming back to both Airyn and Chipmunk to express what you need and how you feel. You strike me as rather fearless and assertive in that regard, as that is always something I have to push past numerous insecurities to do, myself.

To me, how you are working it all out really does drive home how unique every poly arrangement truly is, and how they reflect the individuals involved... how they have to reflect the individuals. There really can't be one general set of rules applied to everyone who wants multiple relationships. Keep writing and keep hanging in there! I am sure there are others who also get a lot out of reading your blog.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-22-2012 at 05:32 PM.
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  #33  
Old 11-22-2012, 07:22 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Thank you Nycindie, I appreciate your comments.

If it helps to put my relationships in focus. The first say 10 post are the ones where I'm writing from a place of hurt, and sadness. I readily admit that my view of circumstances at that time is skewed, and is probably still very much out of proportion to what was actually happening. I also admit that these are how I feel, and how I interrupt them to feel so it's not very accurate to what they are actually going through. Unfortunately neither Airyn nor Chipmunk have any interest in participating in these forums.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Wow, I have to hand it to you for hanging in there with this situation. I've been reading your blog and am fascinated by how you are conducting your relationships. There seem to be so many aspects of Chipmunk and Airyn's relationship that you are forced to micro-manage to the nnnnnth degree, and Airyn seems to want to be in control of how you and Chipmunk even speak to each other, what can and cannot be discussed between you, and how things are said and interpreted. That would drive me nuts. I am a very detail-oriented person, but in my own relationships I wouldn't be able to handle such detailed negotiating and all the... nitpicking?... others do that you wind up having to answer to and navigate around. I guess it's because she lives with you that you are sort of put in a position of managing her, too. She sounds so much younger and less mature than you. I can't imagine having to tell a grown adult to bring her own lunch to work, nor that it would even be an issue relationship-wise (what would she do - just not eat at all if Airyn didn't bring her lunch? When she works within walking distance of home? It boggles the mind). I'm not criticizing, but it's kind of exhausting (for me) to read your posts. However, I can't look away.
Airyn isn't so much controlling how I speak to chipmunk nor is he telling me what I can and can not talk with her about. I have asked him to be my sounding board, and help me talk to Chipmunk about the things she and I need to talk about without my being too aggressive with her. I'm not sure if I can adequately explain, but here goes. I have always had a short loud temper. So for someone like Chipmunk who can not handle confrontation, especially with someone who can quickly become loud and aggressive (like I can) it can be difficult for she and I to actually communicate. If something is upsetting me I find it best (now) for me to write out what I want to say, and talk it out with Airyn before taking it to Chipmunk. It worked really well this time, and I plan to do it again. It reduces my tendency to become heated, and helps keep the conversation on the important details instead of allowing things to run off track too. Does this make sense?

Chipmunk is very young, and immature. Until I talked with her last night it never occurred to her that her desire to have Airyn visit her ever day she works for lunch was a negative for my relationship with Airyn. Nor did she realize that it is and would continue to cause friction between she and I. She's very self centered in that way, but what 20 year old one living for the first time outside (direct) parental influence isn't that way. She and I are a lot alike, I'm just older and more aware of these things then she is. I've done a lot of introspection to be where I am now. It hasn't been easy as you can tell from my posts.

I'm not sure if i have said this before, but we all live together. Living together and sharing one bedroom is why Airyn having to bring Chipmunk lunch three hours after dropping her off at work is an issue. If we had more space and I could spend time alone with Airyn even when Chipmunk isn't at work then this would be a non issue (for me). Not sure how Chipmunk would feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I do admire how thoughtful you are and how you keep coming back to both Airyn and Chipmunk to express what you need and how you feel. You strike me as rather fearless and assertive in that regard, as that is always something I have to push past numerous insecurities to do, myself.

To me, how you are working it all out really does drive home how unique every poly arrangement truly is, and how they reflect the individuals involved... how they have to reflect the individuals. There really can't be one general set of rules applied to everyone who wants multiple relationships. Keep writing and keep hanging in there! I am sure there are others who also get a lot out of reading your blog.
If it weren't for the relationship that Airyn and I have I would struggle to come to him with how I feel as much as I do. I do have a very hard time talking to Chipmunk about how I feel. Generally I talk to Airyn about it, and he tells me that I will need to talk to Chipmunk about it, and that he'll be there for moral support so I can feel confident enough to say what I need to say. And his being close helps ground me so that I don't get outside of the communication styles that work best for Chipmunk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
(what would she do - just not eat at all if Airyn didn't bring her lunch? When she works within walking distance of home? It boggles the mind). I'm not criticizing, but it's kind of exhausting (for me) to read your posts. However, I can't look away.
lol, yes it does boggle the mind I've spent the last oh three weeks or so talking to Airyn about it. I was very heated and angry over it. Last Friday was the last straw for me. Airyn had asked what I wanted to do on "our" day. I told him, then he agreed to bring Chipmunk lunch and there goes us having time to go out anywhere. I was very sad about it. And told him that he could ask for the same thing. He was worried that if he just told Chipmunk that he wasn't going to bring her lunch that she'd get pissed (she very sensitive/emotional and quick to be hurt/upset over little things). So I gave him some word choice suggestions that helped. And he did talk to her about this Friday and him actually spending her entire time at work with just me.

Airyn had told Chipmunk months ago that he really needed to be able to spend more time with me. At that time Chipmunk's job did not offer more then an hour a day 3-4 days a week for me and Airyn. I told him to start with reminding her of that, and then to show her how She is able to go out place with him, and I am not due to the whole lunch thing.

Also, Chipmunk has yet to come to me with issues she is having. Generally she talks with Airyn, and I hear about it from him. That might clear things up some what.

The Micro-managing/nitpicking that you refer to is obnoxious to me as well. I don't like doing it, but it seems to be what Chipmunk wants/needs right now. I'm trying to get her to a place where she needs that less. I don't like having an adult child to care for.

And thanks again Nycindie for sharing your thoughts, and empathy. It means a lot to me.

I just started that wonder time of the month, and am being a bit more emotional then I have been before. Tiny things really bothered me this morning. I talked to Airyn about it. He gave me hugs and told me that I shouldn't be worried and worked up about these little things. I told him that logically I know I'm being silly, and that I can tell I'm being emotional I just don't know how to stop. I also told him to took some Mydol, and that I'd (hopefully) be OK again soon. He told me that it's ok. That I'm fine, and we hugged and snuggled for a long while. It was just what I needed this morning.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #34  
Old 11-22-2012, 07:23 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Geez I'm soo long winded when I writing. Lol
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #35  
Old 11-25-2012, 03:18 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Airyn's Birthday

The 23rd is Airyn's Birthday. Chipmunk is scheduled to work from 3:30-10:30. Chipmunk has been scheduled to close this whole week. She typically is scheduled for 10:30 and gets off any where from 9:45-10:15.
Airyn talked to Chipmunk, and a few days later so did I about Airyn not bring her a lunch this day.

Thanksgiving is spent at a good friends house. We share great company, lively conversation, and wonderful food. So much food that we are all tired and overly stuffed by 9pm. Home we go, every one even Wolf falls asleep. At about 5:30am Airyn and Chipmunk wake up needing the bathroom, and are back and forth for about 30 mins. I'm trying to sleep, but they aren't being quite enough for me (light sleeper). Frustrating, but not surprising. They get back in bed, and at 6:30 Airyn is getting up telling Chipmunk he can't fall back to sleep. Gives me kisses, and heads into the kitchen. Well I can't sleep either. I sit up and grab my phone about to message Airyn saying happy birthday, but he walks in and grabs My laptop, and asks if I'm getting up, I just nod.

Airyn heads back into the other room to call his mom. He always calls her on his birthday, and wishes her a happy Birth day. cute. Any way Chipmunk rolls over and says something about him being on the phone. I tell her yea, he may be on the phone for a while cause he's talking to his mom. She rolls back over to go back to sleep. I get dressed and follow Airyn to the kitchen.
I tell him that I was about to message him when he walked in the room. He's all smiles, and when he gets off the phone he checks on Chipmunk to see if she's sleeping or considering getting up. We sit down to play our PC game together, and he tells me she's going to sleep. So we are playing. About an hour or so later Airyn needs something out of the bedroom, and I'm wanting to use the bathroom. So we get up and Airyn notices that Chipmunk is awake, and goes to check on her. I Close the bathroom door to give them some privacy. I don't think anything of it. Airyn doesn't say anything about it either, and eventually we start getting sleepy again. So it's about 11am now and we head back to bed. Lay down, Chipmunk gets up and is being all pissy for some reason. She gets up and Airyn is asking her whats wrong. She says nothing, he says he's tired and is going to take a nap. And Chipmunk says, Whatever, she's obviously unhappy about something.

Airyn and I have no idea what she's upset about, and since she chose not to enlighten us we go to sleep. When we wake up at 2pm later she's sitting by the bed on her laptop. When we start moving around to get up she leaves the room, still being pissy and unwilling to talk to either of us. We get up and start getting dressed, coffee, food. Chipmunk tells Airyn that she wants to leave early so she can buy something at work before she gets started. Ok, I get my shoes on, and so does Airyn. Airyn and I are figure she just wants about 15 mins so we estimate a time, but as soon as we are dressed and ready Chipmunk says she wants to leave NOW (it's about 3pm). Ok out the door we go. Airyn offers to drive since I had not grabbed my ID or phone before Chipmunk was ready to walk out the door. Chipmunk walks out the door and heads down the stairs while Airyn and I are closing and locking up. This is unusual for her since she always waits beside Airyn while one or the other of us lock up. We park at her job, I let her out and she leaves without offering kisses to Airyn. Again this is not normal. She making it clear that she is pissed at Airyn on his birthday. Airyn tells me after she go out that she's upset cause she didn't get good sleep, and that him coming in the bedroom kept her from sleeping. I reminded him that he only checked on her twice, and that the second time was because she was awake. He tells me he didn't think he'd checked on her much at all, and shrugs. Then he tells me he pissed her off further when he told her that he knew they wouldn't get through his birthday with out her getting pissed at him.

We get home, and are talking about what we want to watch after the sun goes down, and decided to watch the second season of Game of Thrones. Mean while we are doing household chores (laundry, dishes). Then we go back to our game from the night before. I'm teasing Airyn about what I wanted to do with him, and how since I'm messy we'll need a towel and a shower. We're hugging and giggling, but not locking Wolf out of our room just yet. It's about 6pm now and we getting up and changing computers around so that we can watch our show on my laptop. We are in the kitchen warming up leftovers from Thanksgiving, and the phone rings. Airyn answers. It's Chipmunk who is telling him that she's about to walk home, she is getting off early because she's sick. She tried calling my cellphone, but got no answer. My phone was in the bedroom, I never thought to keep it close as she always messages Airyn. When we commented that she had not messaged Airyn she says she thought we were going out, and wouldn't be home where he could get the message. What? We never said anything out going out. We told her what was going on. I told her that Airyn didn't want me to take him out that he wanted me to set aside what I would have spent on a restaurant for getting him a new tablet. Whatever, we tell her we are on our way. Grab our shoe turn off the stove, and out the door. I get in the car, and now I'm unhappy kinda pissed actually. Airyn and I are both surprised Chipmunk is coming home, she wasn't sick when she left. I tell Airyn, "great, just great I finally get a chance to have more then 3 hours of your time, and here we are being interrupted for Chipmunk again." Airyn asks me to relax, and be calm. Reminds me it's his birthday, and that he just wants to have a good day. I tell him I'm not going to say anything else, but that I am frustrated. This was my first chance to get more then 3 hours.

We pick Chipmunk up, she says nothing. Back home she goes off to change into her onesie, and Airyn and I are back to heating up our food. Chipmunk had bought crackers and such saying she was having a hard time keeping anything down. She changes and joins us in the kitchen. Airyn makes Chipmunk some tea, and offers to make her the tomato soup with rice that she prefers to eat when she's sick. She tells him maybe, that she can't keep anything down. Then she sits in the floor with her tea, and some crackers. Airyn tells her we are going to go eat in the other room, and asks if she wants to join us. No answer from Chipmunk. We leave, Airyn asks what Chipmunk is doing, and I shrug. She eventually joins us in the bedroom. Airyn and I eat, and Chipmunk lounges in bed. Airyn asks if she's going to sleep. She doesn't know. Airyn and her are talking. Mostly Airyn is talking, and Chipmunk is responding with yes, no, maybe, I don't knows. I finish eating and take my plate to the kitchen. I don't want to go back in there. I'm unhappy that my day has been disrupted, that Airyn is now catering to Chipmunk, and her funk, sick mood. So I sit at my computer in the living room, and am goofing around on the internet. 20 to 30 mins later Airyn sticks his head out the door and tells me, "Some one is slacking off on their laundry duties." I tell him I assumed they needed privacy to talk. He shakes his head, so I join him and put up what laundry is Mine and his. Wolf's and Chipmunks are left in the laundry totes. Chipmunk tells him she'll put her things away tomorrow.

Chipmunk finally agrees to let Airyn make her tomato soup with rice, which he has asked if she wants half a dozen times. So we head back to the kitchen, make her soup, and all go sit at the computers. Airyn bring Chipmunks laptop in and set her up beside him. So he and I go back to the game we were playing before picking Chipmunk up. No more is said about cuddling, sex, or watching our TV show. Chipmunk wouldn't want to watch it she doesn't like horror, gore, scifi. She prefers romance, and drama. Eventually we move back to the bedroom. I tell Airyn that I need to be sleeping by 1am as I'm still getting up at 9am to spend the day with a lady I met online (this will be our second face to face meeting). It's after 11pm when we move to the bedroom, and Chipmunk crawls right into bed. Airyn takes the time to straighten out the blankets and make sure she has lots of covers. Then he and I are sitting together on our PC no longer playing anything together, just being close. I get up and give him hugs. he asks if I'm going to sleep. I tell him I'm going to try, but that I don't really want to. When I get into bed he comes over and tells me he enjoyed spending the day with me that he likes just having me home. It makes me sad, I want to be more then just his gaming buddy. I give him kisses, and nod I can't really say anything. Besides i agreed he should have a good day on his birthday.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #36  
Old 11-25-2012, 04:41 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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5:30 am I wake up and Airyn is still awake, watching something funny with headphones on. I call to him, and few minutes later so does Chipmunk. He can't hear us with his headphone on, so she gets up and asks him to come to bed. They are moving around looking for his house pants, and such. When they finally get in bed, I'm too awake to fall back to sleep. I snuggle up against Airyn's back as much as I can, but by 7:30 I've given up on sleep. So I'm up getting food, make hot tea. and get on the computer. By 9 I'm dressed and mostly ready to go. Just after 9 I get a message from History check to see if we are still meeting. Yes, leaving in about 20 mins see you there at 10:30. I start on some coffee to wake Airyn up with. He'll be happier getting up with just a few hours sleep if he has coffee to drink.

I wake Airyn up telling him his coffee is brewing. He nods and rolls over, not really awake. I start talking to him. "Airyn I have coffee brewing for you in the kitchen, I need you to get up and give me a ride." Airyn mumbles, "why am I giving you a ride" Me,"so I can meet up with History, and you can have the car for the day." Airyn more awake, "Oh yeah that's today." Me, "Yep, your coffee is probably ready now. Get up and dressed, and I'll make your coffee in a to-go mug." He comes to the kitchen to get his shoes, and I suggest he grabs my computer to hook up for music in the car as the iPod needs to be charged. We leave right on time. I'm messaging History telling her that I need to be home around 7pm. I tell Airyn that I'm still not sure how long I will be, but that since the place History and I are going is about an hour away we'll be out for at least 4 hours, probably more. That I figure as long as I get dropped off by 7pm that will be plenty of time for me to get them to the restaurant that they have reservations for. (I'm driving so they can drink safely). He agrees that will be fine, and tells me that I shouldn't feel rushed, and should have a good time.

In the car, Airyn is still not wholly awake, but he's drinking his coffee, and gets iTunes loaded on my computer. So not much is being said, we arrive in 20 mins. I check for messages, and History is already here. I get out of the car, and Airyn and I are trading places. Hugs, kisses, he's telling me to have a good time, and he'll see me in a few hours. I tell him probably not, that I may be out till 7 and then I'll be dropping him off at a restaurant, and won't get to see him today. He just hugs me and sends me off to locate History.

I find her, and we hop into her car and head out. We are off to a Fiber Farm anticipating meeting and petting Alpacas, and handling their wool, yarns, and maybe seeing the spinning wheel and looms that are used by the farm we found. It's a long drive, but conversation is lively. She checks with me about doing a couple errands. I'm cool with it, so basic plans are set. She doesn't have a curfew or set time her husbands wants her home by, so we have basically the whole day ahead of us. We get turned around locating the fiber farm as neither of us have ever been there before. Finally we find it, pull in and realize it is so not what we expected from their website. Still we want to check it out. We walk by the trailer, and into the shed that has "The Store" sign over it's door. There's no one in evidence. The store is in disarray, can't shop, walk thought or touch any of the fibers, and there is very little yarn to be seen. Other then a friendly black cat that came up to me no animals were petable. We leave disappointed. So plan B. We head out to visit for a moment with her parents so she can pick up a few things. Then off to the mall to visit with a long time family friend, and her sister. Her sister has some items that History has purchased ready for pick up. We pick these up, walk around the mall. History introduces me to Teavana, and we browse the holiday stuffs in several shops. Then it's time for lunch so we go upstairs to the restaurant in Macy's. It was yummy, we actually ended up ordering the same thing. She offered to pay when the bill came, I accepted, and we sat and talked more. After we went to a large yarn store. One I had heard about but never been to, and that History had been to several times. We spend oh an hour or more fondling all the yummy yarns, and flipping through knitting pattern books. Then still wanting to hang out we decided to hit the Cheesecake Factory for dessert.

At the Cheesecake Factory we get a nice table, and order tea and Strawberry shortcake. Very yummy, we can't eat it all as we are still full from lunch. I say it's my turn to pay, she accepts. We stay and chat for a long while, neither of us wanting to end our day of adventuring. Then she gets a message from her husband asking her if she can meet him for dinner. We giggle as we are so stuffed now. She calls him back, and they invite me to join them. So I'm calling Airyn telling him what's up. (I've been messaging him on and off letting him know our change of plans and such.) He's ok with me being out later and going to dinner with her family, He's and says that since Chipmunk was running a fever earlier they have decided not to drink, so he tells me to have a good time.

And I do. We get to the restaurant and I meet a close friend of hers, and her brother, and husband. She tells me I have now meet all of her family except for her kids. History and I are giggling about being full, and conversation is lively amongst the group. It doesn't take me long to join in, and be comfortable. Everything, from guns, games (PC, cards, boardgames), movies, tv shows, jobs, and some politics. By the time we are leaving it's 8pm and now I'm giving History directions to my place. I ask how she would prefer to get home, and tell her I can give her easy directions from my place to the streets she knows. She doesn't drive in my area of the city very often (A historic district outside of downtown). So she knows some of the landmarks, but not enough to navigate. She gets around by landmarks and not street names. I get around by street names, so I have to think about it more before I can give her directions she can work with. Still it's easy enough, she drops me off, we hug and say our good byes. I make sure she has directions, and I head in side.

Inside I get hugs from Airyn, and ask if he still wants me to drop them off, and says sure saves them finding parking. So off to the car, I'm telling them about my day and how the Fiber Farm was a bust. Airyn says well at lest you two had fun and found other things to do. Yep. I drop them at the door, and head home. I message history to see that she made it home ok, she did no trouble YEAH! Not quite and hour later they are messaging me they are paying and ready to be picked up. I'm surprised, but figure they just didn't have much to talk about, or didn't feel the need for more privacy since they had had all day together.

I pick them up Chipmunk is freezing since it's cold outside, she's sick, and I guess her coat isn't warm enough. Back home, I'm asking no questions, and am back on the computer. As great as most of this sounds I am leaving things out.

For one thing while I'm out with History and her Husband I get a message from Airyn about splitting anything over 30$ on their dinner out. This is a dinner that Chipmunk wanted to do with Airyn for his birthday. I was ok with it and even told her it should be just the two of them versus all of us. So when I got that message I answered with a question, "Why am I paying for Chipmunk to take you out on a date? Does this mean she can't buy her part of the gas for the car?

No answer. I asked about it when I got home, and Airyn says he didn't want to get into it right now, that he'd like to have a good night after having a good day. Ok FINE. So I spend what wakeful hours I have left be cordial, pleasant, and inwardly pissed. What is going on. We just had a conversation a few days ago about what Chipmunk's part in gas and household food should be, and now they want me to help pay for the date night she wants? They have all day together and are going out to eat, and Airyn doesn't want me to get upset over what ever reason caused him to send that message? But the afternoon I was supposed to get 6 hours I get 3 and it ends with a pissy, funky, sick mood in the room, and Airyn catering to her. When will I get what I'm asking for? Forget one weekend a month, or every other. I want every weekend. I'm done making time for me to be out of the house and giving them more space to be together. I'm done with her moody I can't every time something comes up. As far as I'm concerned this weekend she got what she wanted with Airyn, and I got nothing.

Don't get me wrong I had a blast out with History. History is not a replacement for Airyn, and I don't expect History to be a romantic interest for me. So I have no reason to be ok with Airyn meeting Chipmunk for lunch this week, and I have no reason to leave the house on her days off. NONE.

Sure she's sick, she always sick, but she's not too sick to go out to eat, and have a margarita with a fever. She was just too sick Friday to stay at work with NO fever.

Sigh I'm probably just being/feeling vindictive.
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Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #37  
Old 11-26-2012, 08:38 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Airyn has been a stay-at-home father for the majority of Wolf's life. The first year he and I both worked for a time, and it was decided that I was better suited to work and he to the stay-at-home parental role.

Then we moved out of the city for a few years, Airyn was still the Stay-at-home parent. When we moved back I was feeling burnt out and Asked Airyn to work, and allow me to be the stay-at home parent for a time. We agreed, he found work, and I tried to stay home. It didn't work I am not Suzy home maker, and I was not comfortable at home on my own. I couldn't just stay home I was always out doing things even if it was just going for a walk, or window shopping. Either way I avoided being at home. Eventually I started looking for part-time employment (with Airyn's blessing).

Not long after finding a part-time position I landed the job I have now. Ever since it has been a joke between Airyn and I that I can't stay home. It just doesn't work for me. So I got my current job and Airyn came home to take care of the house, and kid. This was about 9 years ago.

Fast foreward to today.
Airyn is a stay-at-home parent when we meet Chipmunk.
Airyn is a stay-at-home parent when we start dating Chipmunk (as a couple).
Airyn is a stay-at-home parent when Chipmunk moved in with us.
Airyn is a stay-at-home parent when Chipmunk and I end our attempts at dating or being intimate at all.
Airyn is still a stay-at-home parent.

So it's now two month or maybe closer to three months after I broke up with Chipmunk. I'm meeting other bisexual (married) women, and making friends who can relate to how I work as a bisexual women. Airyn and Chipmunk are still dating. Airyn and I helped Chipmunk get a better job closer to home. She now makes more money then she did when we meet her, and is spending less on gas to get to work. She still does not have a car, and has not started saving for one.

My issue with Airyn always offering/being required to pay for part of every outing he goes on with Chipmunk is this. I am not dating Chipmunk, but I am still paying to date Chipmunk. I'm ok with the occasional outing Airyn offering to pay, but every time? No. If Chipmunk is taking him out to eat for his Birthday then she should be taking him out to eat for his birthday, and not be expecting him to pay (or me to pay).

Airyn is upset that I have begun to point out that he has no money of his own to go out with Chipmunk. So I pointed out that he has been going out with Chipmunk, and that that has been another extra expense that I have to pay for since she moved in. He says, "there you are again, You paying, not us, not me. This is why I'm looking for a job again." Me, "But I don't get to see you now, we have very little time together, and now your getting a job?"

Then I explain that this month he has gone out to places with just Chipmunk, has paid for part of every outing except the one for his birthday, and he and I have not gotten to go out. He say that it is cheaper for he and Chipmunk to go out because she pays for part of it too. Ok, but if he had gone out with Chipmunk less often, or had paid less often, then he and I could have taken that and gone out just US. I pointed out that he is spending more to go out with just Chipmunk, then I am to go out with the two ladies I have met.

This didn't go very far for me. I end up telling him that I feel he would rather spend his time and attention with/on Chipmunk. He tells me that I'm not giving him credit for trying to let go of his upset with Chipmunk on OUR day/evening and him still trying to have a good time with just me. He is saying this because I pointed out how last Friday went (not his Birthday, but the previous weekend). We had 3 good hours together, then an intermission where Airyn is running off to see Chipmunk on OUR day. Then three more good hours together, and another intermission. This second intermission Airyn goes to pick up Chipmunk, finds out that she's going to a strip club with her girl friend (who is dating another lady). He gets stressed, upset, and feels disrespected by Chipmunk. Airyn and i talk about it, and by the time we get home from dropping Chipmunk off at this strip club, he's more calm. Still stressed. We go back to watching our movies, but there is no actual snuggling, cuddling, or sexual intimacy. Laying across my Knees is not cuddling or sexy. Then we get sleepy and he rolls over and offer no snuggling or the suggestion of sex and intimacy. I told him that he has pointed out that no matter how tired he is sex is always an option for him, just not with me. That he can have a stressful day with Chipmunk, and cuddle and make out with her under the covers. Making out till she's hot and bother while I'm in the room. I tell him I can hear and see, I know what's going on when I'm in the room. That these things are why I feel he'd prefer to spend his time with Chipmunk. That I was very upset that my first chance to have just 6 hours uninterrupted by Chipmunk was cut off. He says he had a good time. And I tell him that he made it clear he was happy to be picking Chipmunk up early that day. That Chipmunk got what she wants this weekend, and I didn't.

I tell him to come over here and hold me, and tell him that this morning (Sunday) Was the first time we had gotten to cuddle all weekend. I tell him that I missed him Saturday. He tells me that I was out a long time.

He's also telling me that Chipmunk can't help that she is sick, that she's not faking or being malicious. Whatever why should I care if she's sick? She's supposed to go to work Sunday evening, She's spent most of the day in bed sleeping, feeling ill, coughing, ect. She gets up about 2 hours before she has to be to work and take a HOT shower. I've been telling both of them for two months that you take a luke warm shower when you are feverish. She gets out of the shower and feel like crap, Airyn takes her temp and tells me it's 102. I tell him what of course she just took a hot shower. I can only give her advice, if she doesn't take it i have NO sympathy. He tells me she didn't know she was feverish she didn't check first. HELLO she's been in bed ALL day. Where is the logic? The common sense here? If I'm feeling like crap I'm not taking a HOT shower. If I'm sick I'm not taking a HOT shower and making myself feel worse. Airyn doesn't do that to himself either.

She was OK enough to go out for dinner a drink, and walking in the very chilly night Saturday. Why is she surprised that she feels worse the next day? I'm not. Airyn tells me that she didn't drink more then 2 or 3 sips of a margarita, and that that very little alcohol, and that they were only outside for a few minutes.

So there's more talking about this in my near future. I don't want him working if it is going to further reduce the time he has to spend with just me. I don't want him working if the point is so he can take Chipmunk out on dates. But I can't get him to say what his intentions are other then so that he can spend money on his expensive hobbies; Photography, Computers, and now Jewelry making.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #38  
Old 11-26-2012, 09:17 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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So things that would drive me bonkers about the situation aside - I see one thing you talk about that comes up a lot for people. It seems $ is a sticking point (is for me too, Adam works, I don't, dating, budget, limits, justifying paying to go out on dates when I don't have a job, all are on my mind).

You are working, he works but not at a paying job. In any marriage where this is the case, people will recommend that the non job having person have an allowance, or a discretionary budget of their own to manage, preferably in a separate account so they can spend it as they like - dating, hobbies, indulgences. If Airyn had that, and you let go of managing his spending around dates as long as he's pulling from that set aside money, do you think he is capable of managing his dating through that? If he has $X, he should be able to figure out if he can afford to go out or not. If he wants to blow a months "allowance" the first week by indulging in taking out Chipmunk, then its really on them to eat at home the rest of the month, and it wont be up to you to TELL him that, because it will be obvious to him when his bank account is empty.

I will add that a discussion about fairness and what will work realistically for you both should accompany that, usually if both of you have the same budget for dating that sits best with both parties, as it isn't really fair if you prefer to work and have him stay home, but want to spend $100 a week going out while he only gets $25, unless it's agreed that it makes sense due to the situation, so on and so forth.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-26-2012 at 09:20 AM.
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Old 11-26-2012, 11:09 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
So things that would drive me bonkers about the situation aside - I see one thing you talk about that comes up a lot for people. It seems $ is a sticking point (is for me too, Adam works, I don't, dating, budget, limits, justifying paying to go out on dates when I don't have a job, all are on my mind).

You are working, he works but not at a paying job. In any marriage where this is the case, people will recommend that the non job having person have an allowance, or a discretionary budget of their own to manage, preferably in a separate account so they can spend it as they like - dating, hobbies, indulgences. If Airyn had that, and you let go of managing his spending around dates as long as he's pulling from that set aside money, do you think he is capable of managing his dating through that? If he has $X, he should be able to figure out if he can afford to go out or not. If he wants to blow a months "allowance" the first week by indulging in taking out Chipmunk, then its really on them to eat at home the rest of the month, and it wont be up to you to TELL him that, because it will be obvious to him when his bank account is empty.

I will add that a discussion about fairness and what will work realistically for you both should accompany that, usually if both of you have the same budget for dating that sits best with both parties, as it isn't really fair if you prefer to work and have him stay home, but want to spend $100 a week going out while he only gets $25, unless it's agreed that it makes sense due to the situation, so on and so forth.
You are absolutly right, and it is something we are sort of talking about. My concern is that He will revert to where he was before we combined our finances. Where he's not keeping up with what he has, versus how much he is spending.

Thank you for your insight. Don't be afraid to offer other options/suggestions/opinions either. I do appreciate the feed back I get. And I realize that many of my blog posts have a negative unhappy sound. It's my way of purging i think. I mostly feel like it helps too.

This whole thing came up just in the last couple weeks. About two weeks ago I was out with a friend meeting History for the first time, Chipmunk and Airyn come in and get seats, get something to eat, and are having a "lunch date" together. Afterwards we go home together, and I remark on it. Telling Airyn that Chipmunk is going to have to realize that I won't be paying every time they go out together, that some times sure, but not always. He didn't say anything to that. He had already started looking at a job oportunity, and was putting together a resume for it.

I pointed out to him that he has spent as much going out with Chipmunk (one person) as I have going out with History and Boots this month (two people). So I feel I'm the one who's frugal, and financialy aware, and he's not. Plus this past weekend was his Birthday. I talked to him early in the month and that week about he and I going out on his birthday. He asked me to save the money we'd send and put it towards the Nexus 7 he wants. I agreed.

Chipmunk had been talking about taking him out to eat for at least two weeks. She was telling me about a couple places she thought would interest him, and a couple days before her day off (the day she intended to take him out for his b-day) she had narrowed it down to like 3 options, and asked his opinion. They choose a place, and I suggested that they make a reservation as the place they picked is generally busy on a Saturday night. She didn't want to do that, felt it was Airyn's (as the GUY) job to make the reservation. I pointed out that she had asked him out on a date, and so that would be hers to do. Airyn ended up making the reservation, and then last minute is asking me about spliting the cost above a certain amount. Chipmunk was using a groupon to get 30$ for 15$ so 30$ worth of food was covered, but any alcohol was not. So with Airyn not wanting me to take him out I felt it was wrong of him to ask about paying for him to go out on the b-day date with Chipmunk.

What will probably happen is I'll give him cash for the week/month and once that's gone he needs to be done. But we haven't gotten that far yet.

I think that really I'm more hurt that they have more time together then he and I do. I still have a three hour time limit. Even though the lunch thing has been talked about, and is being removed on my days with Airyn, it has yet to happen.

I'm not as angry, or sad now. Just hurting. I want my weekends back, and don't see that happening. I don't feel I have any incentive to be understanding of her needs/wants. I also have no sympath for someone who shows so little common sense, and an lack of willingness to take good advice when it is offered. I have told Airyn several times that the weekends are the hardest for me. It's something I expect we'll talk about more today while I'm less upset and emotional. Something has to give. I'm not going to continue to make time for the two of them If my wants aren't going to be taken into consideration. Ok so she's sick, but she is always sick. I want a good day and a good night with just Airyn too, and have yet to get that.

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #40  
Old 11-26-2012, 11:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It irks me that you are continually put in the position of mothering Chipmunk, and deferring your time with Airyn for her. Now it seems like he's got you mothering him, too. You are amazingly patient and understanding but it sounds like they are starting to walk all over you - certainly not consciously or on purpose, but what will it take for them to wake up and grow up? Especially Chipmunk. Gah, I'd have booted her out of the house a long time ago! Why does she have to live with you? Can't she find a roommate situation somewhere else and be a little more independent? You already have a child!!!
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