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Old 11-26-2012, 10:15 AM
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Mercurial Mercurial is offline
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Unhappy Looking for advice...

From the beginning:
I have had rather difficult relationships in the past and have moved on. Up until the beginning of this school year, my relationships had all been monogamous and unsuccessful (largely due to me having interest in others). I had not considered polyamory until rather recently, and since then I have been living poly and very much enjoying the relationships I am in. That being said, polyamory was more of a thing that happened to me than a conscious decision on my part (which, frankly, I am rather uncomfortable with). These relationships are:
-secondary, with an older married man
-secondary, with a woman closer to my own age
-an intimate friendship with this woman's fiancee
-the beginnings of something with another older man (who is himself monogamous, but accepting of my lovestyle)
This is all going quite well, and I hold tender feelings for all four. These relationships have varying durations, but all are between 1-3 months. However, there is a problem...
As I said, I am not entirely comfortable with the feeling of having fallen into this lovestyle rather than having chosen it. My curiosity concerning polyamory was one of the reasons that I left my most recent monogamous relationship, but admittedly, I am young and not yet sure what I want. I have for some weeks been contemplating whether or not polyamory is right for me. I understand and identify with the explanations I've heard, but I have a tendency to be rather insecure. With this insecurity, it is difficult for me to maintain a sense of self-worth, particularly if I do not feel that I am loved. This tendency can harm not only myself, but those I am in relationships with. A related matter is that of my percieved relative importance. As I said I have secondary status in most of my relationships. I understand and appreciate the reason for this, and it is not in and of itself a problem for me. The problem is, again, my own insecurity and selfish desire to be someone's #1. My conscious mind is well-aware that this is utterly silly, but the nagging feeling persists. Complicating matters further is a young gentleman I've recently met through mutual friends (including, ironically, my girlfriend). He and I felt a spark immediately and have gone on a few dates. He is aware that I am currently living poly, but has said that an ideal situation for him would be monogamous. He is a very recent acquaintance to be sure, but he and I have fallen hard and fast for eachother, and with me already considering returning to monogamy when we met, it has become a perfect storm. The issue arises in that while he is sure of what would be ideal for him, I haven't the foggiest clue what I want. All involved (my current partners as well as "the new guy") have said that this is ultimately my decision, and they will understand, respect, and support whatever it is that I choose. If only I knew what that should be.

I do have tender feelings for those I am currently with, but being in his arms feels so right to me and I don't want to lose that feeling....

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 11-30-2012, 01:03 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mercurial View Post
...Complicating matters further is a young gentleman I've recently met through mutual friends (including, ironically, my girlfriend). He and I felt a spark immediately and have gone on a few dates. He is aware that I am currently living poly, but has said that an ideal situation for him would be monogamous. He is a very recent acquaintance to be sure, but he and I have fallen hard and fast for eachother, and with me already considering returning to monogamy when we met, it has become a perfect storm. The issue arises in that while he is sure of what would be ideal for him, I haven't the foggiest clue what I want. All involved (my current partners as well as "the new guy") have said that this is ultimately my decision, and they will understand, respect, and support whatever it is that I choose. If only I knew what that should be.

I do have tender feelings for those I am currently with, but being in his arms feels so right to me and I don't want to lose that feeling....

Thoughts?
Whew! You have a lot going on. Stop. Breathe for a minute. Stop. Breathe again.

Sounds to me like you are caught up in the whirlwind if a new romance. (You can read tons of stuff on NRE here and elsewhere). It doesn't sound like there is any immediate reason to come to a conclusion - no one is pushing you for an answer right now. You have time to mull it over, practice some introspection, learn your own mind a bit, wait for the NRE flush to fade.

I'd probably recommend telling new guy that you don't know that monogamy will ever be a good fit for you and you are unwilling to make any major decisions while you are all caught up in the storm of emotions a new relationship brews. Personally, I would want to see how I felt about it when the rush of NRE wears off (12-18 months for me) and the feeling of being in his arms is comfortable instead of breathtaking.

I would be very careful, however, of leading him on/ letting him believe that you are "working toward" monogamy when you are unsure of this yourself. Better for him, in the long run, to adjust to a relationship with a poly person and later get the bonus of monogamy if that is what you decide after you have learned, for yourself, what you want, rather than holding on to the hope that you will come around and be crushed if it doesn't happen.


JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
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  #3  
Old 12-01-2012, 04:58 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It might be restful for you to not start or progress further with some of these relationships right now, that is a LOT of stuff happening. New relationships usually have lots of ups and downs and getting to know each other that can keep you feeling stretched thin as it is, I can't imagine trying to juggle all that and feel grounded.

Stepping back a bit could probably help you make sure you are choosing relationships intentionally, as it seems you are a bit concerned about feeling as if life and poly is happening TO you instead of happening because it is what you are choosing and wanting.
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