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Old 11-25-2012, 06:27 PM
polyprof82 polyprof82 is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 2
Question privacy/ limits with secondaries

I'm new here, but I have lurked for a few hours this morning and haven't seen my question addressed in other threads.

My problem is about boundaries and rules/ agreements. I recently realized that it is important for me to know that my primary partner comes to me first (and preferably last) with problems about our relationship. I found out a while ago that she had been discussing our problems with one of her secondaries and it made me feel threatened. I don't want to prevent her from having a support network of friends, family, therapist... but I would prefer it if she doesn't include her secondaries in this network.

I am open to any and all perspectives on this situation. There are more details below for those who are interested.

About me: a bit of a polywog, been in my first poly-relationship with a lovely lady for about a year. Realizing that I was poly was a revelation. This is the kind of relationship that I have always wanted. My partner keeps telling me that this agreement I am asking for is "too monogamous" and isn't really poly. It drives me crazy, because I really like being poly. I just want a form of poly that feels right to me.

The details:

We had some problems this summer. We both had some emotional issues that ended up bumping into each other and we started fighting. I had problems managing my anger and yelled. I'm working through this anger problem with a therapist and she is working on her things with her own therapist.

She told me at one point that she had started talking about these fights with her main secondary. At the time I didn't express how this made me feel, because I was ashamed of the fights and didn't think I had the right to say anything. But as time went on, I lost all feelings of compersion for this other guy. I became jealous and insecure about our relationship.

She says I am trying to censor her or control her other relationships, but I feel like if this other guy gets to step in as relationship counselor about us, then he isn't really a secondary. I feel like I have been pulled into a V that I didn't agree to.

EDIT: I know a lot of people don't like the hierarchical terms "primary" and "secondary." These fit well for us because my primary and I have been together longer than any of our other relationships and we recognize that our level of commitment makes us more important to each other than any of our other partners. The secondary she talked to also has a live-in primary partner of 5+ years, so it is clear that their relationship is non-primary for both of them.

Last edited by polyprof82; 11-25-2012 at 07:29 PM.
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