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Old 11-25-2012, 05:39 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 461

Hi again Tamcat

It sounds like you have worked through some issues in your head a little; but I understand what it is like to be so confused about what you want. I've been there.

It also sounds like you do love your husband; but not in the same way that you used to, or not in the way that you want to love a partner.

I discovered Sternberg's theory of love a few days ago and I've been slapping it all over the forums... haha... because it really seemed to hit home for me.

It's a simple enough concept, but for me, it make absolute sense and helped me to put certain things in boxes and gain some clarity.

The idea is that there are 7 types, or stages, of love - the 7th type being 'consumate love', which involves the three prerequisites of passion, commitment and intimacy (in the less trivial sense of all three terms). Often, the kind of love we feel for many of our partners is something other than this ideal consumate love.

I had a feeling that it might help you to look at your relationship with your husband and compare it to that of your boyfriend.


You might also find Tennov's theory of Limerence interesting - it talks about that NRE 'love' effect... when we put people on a pedestal, or project our ideals onto them. Limerence takes things one step further; but the general idea of infatuation is there. I found this helpful, as I recognised some of the points in my girlfriend and it's helped me to calm down when I think she's 'falling in love' with someone. It's also kept me level headed when I've though I've been falling in love; but really have been experiencing something a bit less than Limerence:

Anyway... you know something? Nothing that is worth having cannot be reversed or changed. Love can be rediscovered. It is very possible that with a few years of freedom, experience and self-discovery, you and your husband settle into something new that fits... friendship, or something else. Passion can also be rediscovered with time and distance. I was terrified when I left my boyfriend... he was supposed to be my future... I can absolutely understand how you feel... but I wouldn't change a thing. I think that you are heading in the right direction and should follow what your gut instincts are telling you.

me: open poly (31, female)

involved with:
GF: (41, female) my long-distance, long-term partner
Earth: (35, female) newly dating

Hubby: (38, male) GF's husband
Garcon: (28, male) GF's boyfriend/submissive

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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