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  #1  
Old 11-23-2012, 06:41 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Yeah, take that to the power of two!

I'm becoming very attracted and close to someone I've met on OKC. We haven't met in person yet due to the distance.

Currently I'm in a primary relationship with my husband and seeing several other men, but nothing has sprouted into something serious. My husband is very encouraging of me finding someone and when I've joked/stated that I need to find a live-in boyfriend he's agreed.

So, along comes Henn and man, he fits the bill. We've both answered so many questions on OKC that it's mildly embarrassing. (Him 1750, Me 1500) I've taken a bunch of the tests that he's taken and it looks like we share the same brain. Freaky how well we match up.

But part of that great matching is due to the fact that we both enjoy the D/s aspect of BDSM. My husband and I also enjoy the D/s aspect of BDSM. I typically have steered clear of looking for this in future relationships, because I didn't want to confuse the power distribution. I wasn't expecting to find someone that I connect with so strongly to be cut from the same cloth as my husband.

Which leads me to my questions: Have any of you entered into a polyship where you either had two Doms or you were a Dom sharing a sub with another Dom? What kind of structure did you establish? Hierarchy? Were you friends with your metamour? Any advice?

TIA
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2012, 07:16 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hahaha.... someone's feeling the NRE aren't they? ~grins~

Sounds like exciting stuff and it's great that your hubby is on board.

So, your husband is a Dom and so is Henn? Is your husband your Master, or do you use D/s in the bedroom in a less structured way?

I am a Domme and so is my girlfriend. We have shared submissives before. I have also embraced my submissives playing with other Dom/mes, so long as it all matches up and there's no conflicting training, etc (i.e. there's no point in me focusing on chastity play with my sub, if her other Dom/me gets off on frequent masturbation tasks).

Some people believe that a sub should only have one Dom/me; but I disagree.

In the cases where I have shared a sub with my girlfriend, a natural hierarchy has taken place. She usually becomes the 'top dog' with men; whereas women tend to connect more to me. I would love an equal scenario, but so far, we find that the balance shifts at some point.

Double Domming can be really effective. In my case, I love it, because we can work as a team to take on more. My girlfriend likes regular contact with submissives, producing tasks and is a sadist... I am more of a psychological player who dislikes too much contact and enjoys dishing out humiliation... for the right sub, we can offer more together than we can apart and it takes some of the strain off us.

I do think though, that there would have to be guidelines, boundaries, ground rules, limits, etc. in your situation.

It would be wonderful if your husband and Henn could be friends... but it's not strictly necessary, as long as everyone is comfortable and you are happy to be the go-between in terms of communicating agreements and any issues that arise. If hubby isn't happy about a certain aspect of play, Henn can't try to override him and you can't give into both just because you are submissive. Everyone needs to be kind, listen to each other as people and not as D/s characters and keep all parties happy.

Some things to think about...
- do you like the idea of having two Doms? would that work for you realistically? does one of them have more of a power over you, or are they truly quite equal?
- can you see their styles working well together? do they have similar kinks? or very different kinks that won't interfere with each other? (i.e. if hubby Dom likes anal play and Henn Dom likes tit wanks, that's not really going to make a difference either way... haha)
- how would each of them feel seeing marks on you from the other Dom? is there any danger or competition or jealousy/insecurity?
- if one Dom is physically or emotionally harsher, will the other Dom always lose out because you'll need time to come out of sub let down when it's their turn to play with you?
- fluid bonding - want to do it with both? any sexual acts off the cards with Henn? will it hurt your husband if you engage in certain things with Henn?
- if either sets a long term task, such as chastity play, can you balance the poly side of the relationship? if you give two weeks or a month to one Dom with this task, are you willing to devote the same time and concentration to another? or will this cause burnout for you?
- what about down the road... collaring and such? would you consider being collared to both of them, or would you never consider a particular one of them?

If you all prefer a hierarchy of some sort, you would have to decide between you who is the Alpha Dom. As a Dominant woman, I can be a little bit miffed when another Dom/me tries to hand me their sub as a plaything, without giving me equal control. But then... sometimes I have so much on my plate that I am happy about it. It all depends on the other Dom/me and the circumstances.

If you know the answers to all of these questions and still want to go ahead, with everyone's happiness and feelings out on the table... I say, why not? Until you do it, you may not know how you feel. You may love it, or you may not feel right.

I hope this helps!
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In a long-distance relationship with GF (39f)
Dating Descartes in my home country (27f)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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  #3  
Old 11-23-2012, 08:43 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Hahaha.... someone's feeling the NRE aren't they? ~grins~

Sounds like exciting stuff and it's great that your hubby is on board.

So, your husband is a Dom and so is Henn? Is your husband your Master, or do you use D/s in the bedroom in a less structured way?

I am a Domme and so is my girlfriend. We have shared submissives before. I have also embraced my submissives playing with other Dom/mes, so long as it all matches up and there's no conflicting training, etc (i.e. there's no point in me focusing on chastity play with my sub, if her other Dom/me gets off on frequent masturbation tasks).

Some people believe that a sub should only have one Dom/me; but I disagree.

In the cases where I have shared a sub with my girlfriend, a natural hierarchy has taken place. She usually becomes the 'top dog' with men; whereas women tend to connect more to me. I would love an equal scenario, but so far, we find that the balance shifts at some point.

Double Domming can be really effective. In my case, I love it, because we can work as a team to take on more. My girlfriend likes regular contact with submissives, producing tasks and is a sadist... I am more of a psychological player who dislikes too much contact and enjoys dishing out humiliation... for the right sub, we can offer more together than we can apart and it takes some of the strain off us.

I do think though, that there would have to be guidelines, boundaries, ground rules, limits, etc. in your situation.

It would be wonderful if your husband and Henn could be friends... but it's not strictly necessary, as long as everyone is comfortable and you are happy to be the go-between in terms of communicating agreements and any issues that arise. If hubby isn't happy about a certain aspect of play, Henn can't try to override him and you can't give into both just because you are submissive. Everyone needs to be kind, listen to each other as people and not as D/s characters and keep all parties happy.

Some things to think about...
- do you like the idea of having two Doms? would that work for you realistically? does one of them have more of a power over you, or are they truly quite equal?
- can you see their styles working well together? do they have similar kinks? or very different kinks that won't interfere with each other? (i.e. if hubby Dom likes anal play and Henn Dom likes tit wanks, that's not really going to make a difference either way... haha)
- how would each of them feel seeing marks on you from the other Dom? is there any danger or competition or jealousy/insecurity?
- if one Dom is physically or emotionally harsher, will the other Dom always lose out because you'll need time to come out of sub let down when it's their turn to play with you?
- fluid bonding - want to do it with both? any sexual acts off the cards with Henn? will it hurt your husband if you engage in certain things with Henn?
- if either sets a long term task, such as chastity play, can you balance the poly side of the relationship? if you give two weeks or a month to one Dom with this task, are you willing to devote the same time and concentration to another? or will this cause burnout for you?
- what about down the road... collaring and such? would you consider being collared to both of them, or would you never consider a particular one of them?

If you all prefer a hierarchy of some sort, you would have to decide between you who is the Alpha Dom. As a Dominant woman, I can be a little bit miffed when another Dom/me tries to hand me their sub as a plaything, without giving me equal control. But then... sometimes I have so much on my plate that I am happy about it. It all depends on the other Dom/me and the circumstances.

If you know the answers to all of these questions and still want to go ahead, with everyone's happiness and feelings out on the table... I say, why not? Until you do it, you may not know how you feel. You may love it, or you may not feel right.

I hope this helps!
Sparklepop, yes, I think the NRE is kicking in, which reminds me...I wanted to look up discussions on the topic on here. I'd like to load myself with ways to not distance my SO while I'm all twitterpated, but still let myself enjoy the ride.

Anyhow, back to the whole double Dom thing...

I'm happy to hear that you are living this type of thing and that it works well for you and your co-Domme.

Both men are Doms and it appears that they both have similar styles. My husband and I mostly fall into this role in the bedroom, but it does wander out of there and into other areas of our lives quite frequently.

I think it will be key if this is going to work that we start with some dialog between the three of us. Already I can see where their requests may conflict; leaving me unable to meet both of their wishes.

You offered up an excellent list of things to consider. This whole thread was sparked because Henn mentioned wanting to see me wearing his collar (during play) and my brain suddenly fired off, "Whoa! Houston we may have a problem here." It's one thing to find a partner that is sexually dominate, but it's another thing to find a partner that is into BDSM and identifies as a Dom/me.

I can easily picture myself being comfortable having two Doms, but I'm not sure if my husband will be comfortable with that. I think it'll depend on the relationship he and Henn build together. It's early in the game, so I can only speculate. Early in our opening up journey my husband didn't want me being submissive to anyone other than himself. Since then he's voiced that is no longer the case as I'm sexually submissive by nature, so that requirement didn't make sense when he stopped and thought about it. At that time, he still didn't want me to be another person's sub. Because we are constantly shifting and evolving our relationship, I think he'd actually be able to accept this and may even get off on it a bit. Before it was all rather abstract, but now there is an actual person and a growing relationship that offers much of what we both were hoping for me. If he's not willing to try this, then I will let the relationship with Henn go.

Thanks!
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  #4  
Old 11-24-2012, 02:03 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'll imagine you have looked through fetlife.com? If not, the poly and kinky group regularly has queries about this and how to manage that (or to decide if you want to). I don't see anything in the last month or so really about the subject, but when people do ask, there are quite a few responders who juggle that themselves so it's also a good place to get more advice. Sparklepop seemed to have great advice from the D side, fetlife can net you a large variety of info from a sub's point of view too and other challenges people face with that dynamic.

There is also the Two Dominants group, not sure that will be as helpful, doesn't look to be too busy but figured I may as well link to it.
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  #5  
Old 11-24-2012, 02:23 AM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'll imagine you have looked through fetlife.com? If not, the poly and kinky group regularly has queries about this and how to manage that (or to decide if you want to). I don't see anything in the last month or so really about the subject, but when people do ask, there are quite a few responders who juggle that themselves so it's also a good place to get more advice. Sparklepop seemed to have great advice from the D side, fetlife can net you a large variety of info from a sub's point of view too and other challenges people face with that dynamic.

There is also the Two Dominants group, not sure that will be as helpful, doesn't look to be too busy but figured I may as well link to it.
Annieintherain, FL is a good idea. I joined the group in the first link you posted. The problem with posting on there is that we have a lot of friends on FL that are friends in real life, too. Sometimes I'm not comfortable posting, because I know that they are privy to it. Somethings are just too private to broadcast when a large percentage of your acquaintances make up the population. I feel very anonymous on this site. I suppose I could make a sock account for those purposes on FL.
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  #6  
Old 11-24-2012, 03:09 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Quote:
Sparklepop, yes, I think the NRE is kicking in, which reminds me...I wanted to look up discussions on the topic on here. I'd like to load myself with ways to not distance my SO while I'm all twitterpated, but still let myself enjoy the ride.

My GF and I have talked about NRE lately and come up with a list of things that we think help us, if this helps you!

- understanding that the other person will likely be having NRE and not to panic... wait until the buzz wears off... and be patient!
- be careful not to needlessly harp on about how wonderful this new person is, just keep it calm and sensible to keep insecurity down
- speak up when the other person is.... basically being a tool high on NRE
- really try to be aware... ask yourself how many hours you've spent jabbering away to New Person this week... more than two a day? calm it!
- spend extra time with each other when we're high on New Person... give extra attention and love


Quote:
You offered up an excellent list of things to consider. This whole thread was sparked because Henn mentioned wanting to see me wearing his collar (during play) and my brain suddenly fired off, "Whoa! Houston we may have a problem here." It's one thing to find a partner that is sexually dominate, but it's another thing to find a partner that is into BDSM and identifies as a Dom/me.
Ohh... yeah... I can understand Henn's desire to have you wear his collar... but could understand if hubby didn't want that.

This may or may not work for you. When I have played with join submissives, or unowned submissives who want that symbolism, and a collar is too much, I've given each a token that we've chosen together - an anklet, a bracelet and a velvet choker - to wear during play. They told me that the act of wearing something made them feel more 'owned' and intensified the submissive feeling, without the need for a collar.
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In a long-distance relationship with GF (39f)
Dating Descartes in my home country (27f)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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  #7  
Old 11-24-2012, 04:50 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I imagined if I was active on there I'd certainly have a second account mostly filled out but with inaccurate location/demographic info and no links to my partners, so I could ask the questions I needed input on. Especially if I thought I would want to ask for advice more than once a year, I think a mostly fleshed out profile helps people answer questions better, and as sock puppets are allowed unless you're using it for malicious reasons, I can't think of a reason not to use one! (err and to avoid the issue that some people have with it - I'd stay logged in on the sock on a laptop or something so I didn't accidentally post under my actual account when tired or distracted! That seems to happen rather regularly when the OP is feeling emotional)
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  #8  
Old 11-24-2012, 05:48 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
My GF and I have talked about NRE lately and come up with a list of things that we think help us, if this helps you!

- understanding that the other person will likely be having NRE and not to panic... wait until the buzz wears off... and be patient!
- be careful not to needlessly harp on about how wonderful this new person is, just keep it calm and sensible to keep insecurity down
- speak up when the other person is.... basically being a tool high on NRE
- really try to be aware... ask yourself how many hours you've spent jabbering away to New Person this week... more than two a day? calm it!
- spend extra time with each other when we're high on New Person... give extra attention and love
Great list. Good ideas that I can keep handy. I think the fact that my husband is out-of-town for work multiple nights a week, because it'll help me manage NRE displays. I can do the whole infatuation thing when he's gone, so he doesn't have to be exposed to my ridiculousness and when he's home I can make it a point of being truly present with him and make that time about us/him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Ohh... yeah... I can understand Henn's desire to have you wear his collar... but could understand if hubby didn't want that.

This may or may not work for you. When I have played with join submissives, or unowned submissives who want that symbolism, and a collar is too much, I've given each a token that we've chosen together - an anklet, a bracelet and a velvet choker - to wear during play. They told me that the act of wearing something made them feel more 'owned' and intensified the submissive feeling, without the need for a collar.
I love this idea.
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  #9  
Old 11-24-2012, 05:50 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I imagined if I was active on there I'd certainly have a second account mostly filled out but with inaccurate location/demographic info and no links to my partners, so I could ask the questions I needed input on. Especially if I thought I would want to ask for advice more than once a year, I think a mostly fleshed out profile helps people answer questions better, and as sock puppets are allowed unless you're using it for malicious reasons, I can't think of a reason not to use one! (err and to avoid the issue that some people have with it - I'd stay logged in on the sock on a laptop or something so I didn't accidentally post under my actual account when tired or distracted! That seems to happen rather regularly when the OP is feeling emotional)
I should do this. My worry is replying to something via the wrong account. I can see the value in being logged into the sock account being a more fail-safe approach than the other way around. Thanks!
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  #10  
Old 11-25-2012, 05:19 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Good advice from Anneintherain and I'm glad that you found my responses helpful too!

Come back and let us know how you get on with your poly adventures... whether that be with Henn or not!
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Dating Descartes in my home country (27f)



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