Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-20-2012, 12:47 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Posts: 413

Originally Posted by Archaeolibris View Post
Should I go out with her a few times just the two of us? Perhaps become intimate with her alone before bringing it up? That seems a little disingenuous if it's a decent part of my motivation. Should I send her out with my partner and hope they hit it off too?
Would you be okay, if you liked this person, to date them by yourself? Sure, a fantasy/motivation could be the possibility of a compatible threesome but would you also be satisfied with a twosome? If so, it could be healthiest to approach it as that, with no expectations (even if you have hope that it'll be an intimate experience you could some day share with your partner).

If you only want to be with someone who is into both of you, then yes, anything apart from an upfront approach would be disingenuous. And though that could turn some potential partners off... you'd presumably be left with people who are into that kind of arrangement.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2012, 02:29 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Originally Posted by Archaeolibris View Post
I find that lots of folks (including self-labeled polyamorites) feel loving and casual sex to be mutually exclusive. I suppose, truly, this depends mostly on what you mean by both 'casual' and 'loving,' and I'd be curious to know. There does seem to be some connection here between loving and lasting. For me, I have always found these things to be quite independent. Some of my longest relationships turned out in the end to not be so loving, and likewise, some of the best emotional and physical intimacy I've experienced were with people that I had no expectation of being able to date or even sleep with again. Perhaps this is why I bristle a bit at those who assume that the 'casual' sex I have is meaningless, objectifying or not loving (and therefore not truly polyamorous?). When you take away monogamous commitment as the one and only sign of romantic love, then what other signs are there that people find meaningful?
I personally do think that "casual sex" is mutually exclusive from "loving." I think of "loving" as how I am with people "I love." I think of "casual sex" as sex for the purpose of physical satisfaction, meaning that I don't really care about the person any more than I care about some random person on the street. I can be caring and compassionate without being loving.

That being said, I don't do one night stands. Those encounters don't meet my emotional needs, nor do I need sex badly enough to get it from strangers. For me, I have to be romantically interested in someone to desire them sexually. So while I can, in principle, be caring and compassionate with a one-night-stand, that doesn't hold any interest for me.

I do agree that loving can last a night, and casual can last a lifetime. While I myself am not capable of falling in love overnight and then saying "so long" in the morning, I do not deny that this is possible for some people. And when I was younger, I had friends with benefits, where the sex was casual but ongoing.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2012, 03:56 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,864

Originally Posted by Archaeolibris View Post
/ So then the question remains . . . how and where do you think I (or my partner, or both of us), could meet and actually get to know someone who is interesting, attractive, and down with us both for some adventure? For those open couples who have had success with this, please tell me about how and why it worked for you. What advice do you have about pursuing someone for a fling with your partner?

I should add that we are not looking to add someone to our relationship in the long term . . . we're happy as we are, but it would be really lovely to meet someone, flirt, talk, do some things together, maybe end up in bed all three of us just once or a few times . . .
All of my NSA three(or more)some experiences have evolved out of sexy friendships / FWBs type situations with people that I already knew or knew of ("friends-of-friends") and who already knew what types of things they might expect from me ("Here comes JaneQ...looks like she's on the prowl...don't worry, she'll tone it down if you tell her you are uncomfortable...")

In general, since I am more "sexually aggressive" (i.e. a shameless flirt) than MrS, most of these encounters have been instigated by me...with the exception of my first FFM threesome*. That first time, his ex-girlfriend-then-FWB (SweetPea in my blog here), approached me with a proposition along the lines of: MrS's birthday is coming up and she thinks that MrS would enjoy a threesome with some hot girl-on-girl action and she knows I am attracted to him and she thinks I'm cute and would I consider being a third?

Other encounters:

MrS's close friend VV was having some bi-curious feelings and asked him to keep an eye out for a likely candidate, when he and I started to hook-up he let her know I would probably be game. VV and I started to play together and sometimes invited MrS to play along with us, or with us and another girl that one of us had found to play with. (VV has now been my FWB for close to 20 years - she has a male SO and, in accordance with their agreements, threesomes are off the table with another male - although he did arrange for a mutual female friend that she had played with before to join them as a "birthday present")

Then there was the time that I seduced a bridesmaid at his ex-girlfriend's wedding and asked her if she'd like to join me and MrS back at the hotel for some post-reception sexy-fun-times...

Then there was that Halloween party where everyone was about half-naked anyway...or that party on the night that we set the clocks back for "Daylight Savings" and we decided that nothing that happened in the "free" hour "counted"..

In summation, I guess my advice would be: Cultivate friendships with attractive, interesting, sexually adventurous people and then be open to the possibility of seizing on opportunities as they present themselves.

For us, it seems, the "birthday present" or "special occasion" excuse for hedonistic behavior seems to work - no pressure or expectation that it needs to happen again (although if it works well - no reason you can't later say - "We really had a great time last fall...any chance that you'd be interested in re-visiting that?")

That's just my experience...YMMV.


*PS. You can read about the hilarity that ensued as a result of this first attempt in my "Journey" blog - the Threesome Tangent post.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2012, 08:18 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I have done MMF and FFM threesomes. In every case one party brough up that they were interested in doing so and the rest agreed. In all cases we had some level of friendship.
One case the tree of us worked together, another I was dating him, worked with her, another fwb with her and open relationahip with him, another I was married and he approached her, another I was married and we alproached her, another dh & bf set it up for the night prior to a major surgery I had as a gift to me. In all cases both men were straight. All the women were either bi or lesbian.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 11-22-2012, 04:56 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting you look at swinging sites - I do feel you got somewhat defensive. I can see why the hors d'oeurves comment would make you feel you were being judged, but Nycindie gave good advice nevertheless, and nobody was looking down on you as far as I could tell.

Most people wouldn't consider offering regular dating advice they'd give to somebody asking where to find partners here when all you say you're looking for is short term relationships that need to include threesomes and you want them to have an end date before you've even met them instead of saying you're open to them becoming more, so of course if you ask about this in a poly forum you will get people trying to helpfully suggest you might want to look in places more open to finding that so you'll have better success, and I think that's what they gave you.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2012, 04:58 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 444

You might want to try online dating, especially OK Cupid. You can make a profile where you are seeking bi women, and write thoughtful things on your profile about what type(s) of relationship(s) you are seeking. You can mention that ideally you would want a bi woman who'd be open to exploring a threesome with you and your boyfriend.

I sympathize with your defensiveness about the "swinger" label. It took me a while to feel comfortable with various poly communities and to realize they were not judging me as much as I thought they were. Now I sometimes just take a deep breath and remind myself not to get defensive.

"Swinging" does have connotations of partner-swapping and sex at clubs in front of strangers, so it seems odd when it sounds like sometimes poly people define swinging as any type of sex outside a romantic relationship. (That's not quite what they mean, but it can sound that way at first).

However, you might want to do a more in-depth examination of the swinger community. You may not be a swinger, but maybe you and your boyfriend would click with a bi swinger woman?

I personally do not feel there is a huge black-and-white distinction between "casual sex" and "loving relationships." My best experiences have all started as casual, and my worst relationships have all been "loving."
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:16 AM.